dear india...

Life in a Day.

2011-12-10T08:44:00.001+05:30

I just got through watching a film called Life in a Day [watch it here], 90 minutes of the most inspiring and simplistically beautiful footage I have ever seen. Yes, that is quite a dramatic claim, but I have to attempt to convey just how much this cinematic masterpiece moved me. It's a documentary with a very straightforward and even provincial goal: to portray a single day lived out all over the world. The day was July 24, 2010, making a full moon just about the only significant and notable feature about it. The film moves roughly in chronological order throughout that given day, jumping from location to location and culture to culture, making it a positively absorbing experience. What struck me most about the film, which I guarantee will make you laugh, cry, smile, and stare in horror, is that the things that connect us as humans are the same throughout every country and culture...and are so simple.

Ok, I realize that sounds like the philosophical (albeit sophomoric) realization of an eighth grader, but as someone who has spent a little time living cross-culturally, I know how easy it is to forget the heart of what truly connects us all. When you take away common language, traditions, and food, and sprinkle in simple, yet hard-to-comprehend cultural nuances, you easily find yourself in denial that you were born on the same planet as the people you are facing daily...forgetting that you are both human and both have needs, desires, and emotions...everything just feels foreign and unrelatable.

Though I know it's unrealistic, I wish everyone was required to spend some time living within another culture; I believe there are few experiences as eye-opening. Coming to acknowledge and appreciate the common threads woven between us as people, as pieces of the same Creation, is truly mind-blowing. To finally put your finger on the human condition, on the things that we are all afraid of (loneliness and death), somehow, in a crazy and unexpected way, empowers us to relate to one another though all of our day-to-day differences. The world at large is dauntingly complex and full of a million cultures, languages, and lifestyles that might always puzzle me, but something beyond myself drives me to want to touch it, experience it, feel the pain, loss, love, joy, and intensity of other people. I guess it's safe to say that's a large part of the reason I desire to live in India again, because there is something about intangible human connectedness that draws me outside myself and closer to the all-powerful God who set this universe into motion. In our basic form, what we all desire is God and what we all fear most is a lack of God. If we as Christ-followers can begin to reframe our view of the world and see others as extensions of ourselves in God's creation and image, IMAGINE the ways in which we could experience life and love others. I shudder to think I may spend another moment of my time on earth living outside of the incredible existence that is ours to take hold of.

So with that I humbly ask you, what are YOU waiting for?

Geranium Leaf.

2011-06-28T23:13:00.000+05:30

I have been back from India for 10 weeks and have been experiencing some of the normal side effects of the always emotional reentry phase. I have felt an overwhelming dose of God's grace during this time of my reverse culture shock, and I can say with confidence that this year's transition is a lot easier to cope with than last year's.

One aspect that has yet completely knocked me on my tush has been the lack of a physical place to call my own. As humans, we are natural nesters and it seems the rare occurance to find someone who is a true (and permanent) nomad and loves it...sure, it's GREAT for a period of time...I myself love the idea of wandering from adventure to adventure with only the belongings that I carry, and, needless to say, have done quite a bit of that in the past 18 months. However, I finally reached the end of myself in loving my nomadic ways since upon my return from India I have been homeless. I must clarify that I am using the term "homeless" very loosely so forgive the crude comparison, I just mean to say that I have not had a place to call my own where my bags were unpacked and I wasn't constantly living out of a carry-on sized suitcase and 2 Rubbermaid bins. I was graciously cared for by multiple people who opened up their homes to me and took great care of me while I was in flux. I have always had a roof over my head and thank the Lord for that. Coming into that from 3 months in India where everything is in flux constantly was not ideal but I am growing stronger with every moment that my comforts are stripped away and I realize that I am still just fine, thriving even.

However, I am excited to announce that after 10 weeks of feeling unsettled whist staying with some great friends, I have culminated my time of nomadic wandering with moving into a place with roommates that is all my own. I am nearly all finished unpacking and setting up (it doesn't take me long as I travel light-ish these days) and I cannot express the joy I feel in being set up and organized again. For those of you who don't know what kind of household I prefer, let's just say this girl loves color-sorted closets and perfectly organized drawers and shelves, everything in its place. This is a testament to the completely contradictory dichotomy of me: I love to wander nomadically in search of adventure with only a backpack on my back...yet I relish having a place to nest that becomes my personal sanctuary where I can recharge and let go.

So surrounded by my freshly painted Geranium Leaf green walls, I can't help but feel a deep contentment in the moment knowing that I have once again been given a season to rest and rejuvinate after many months of intense cross-cultural ministry...and I am thankful.

I realize this account begs the question, "so how long will you be sticking around?" and I wish I had a concrete answer for you, but alas, I do not. As much as a blueprint for life would make things somewhat easier, it sure would take the adventure and the flexibility out of things, making us all predictable and irritatingly calm with a lack of passion for the unknown. I believe God has called us ALL into His story, not into creating stories of our own. When you agree to play an integral part in someone else's story, it seem inevitable that you will remain unsure of what's to come...because what's to come is not being determined by you, by your personality, or by your eagerness to control...you are merely along for the ride. Now, the true beauty in this is that God DOES mind our desires and our passion and He DOES use us accordingly based on who He created us to be...which means that in our adventure of the unknown, we can be guaranteed that we will fit in seamlessly, as long as we are remaining submissive to God's leading...remember, it's HIS story we are characters in, not our own. For good measure (and as a reminder to myself), I must point out that fitting seamlessly into God's story isn't about it being easy, because, we can be certain, it won't be. Herein lies the crux of a relationship with Jesus...it is difficult at times but that is where we find the most growth and fruit.

I can loosely sum up my coming future by saying that I don't feel that I am done with India and I most definitely feel I will be back there at some point, possibly sooner than later. What I know is that I was created for this season of life in which I feel an unbridled passion for the work that God is doing in India and I am honored to be a part of it. As a player in a masterpiece that I have not authored, I cannot say for sure when I will be where, but what I know is that I am not on a break from the performance of life and participating in God's story...I am merely playing a different scene for the time being, though I would be remiss to leave out that I am waiting expectantly for the green light to go back to India...

Simplify.

2011-05-07T00:28:00.003+05:30


Quintessential India: Vasintha.

Just over 2 weeks back in the US and already I am swimming in resumes, job postings, and overall blindness when it comes to my near future. Surprisingly, it's a great place to be...even though I whine about it at times. If there is one shred of truth for me in life, it's that God is tangible for daily and it's only by His grace that I am provided for.

I really miss India. Strangely, my Indian life feels simple in my mind compared with my Western life. I felt something yesterday I hadn't felt in a long time...stress. Though India is chaotic and unending in dizzying color and confusion, ultimately things slow down there and a way of life that is simple and provincial sets in. Even though it's a big adjustment to settle into that lifestyle, once I am in it, there is so much more room to breathe, to reflect, to grow, and to just be. Even though I have lots of free time in my now jobless, Western life, the culture here is a swift current that is already sweeping me away...and I feel pressure to earn, to do, to connect.

In the midst of the unknown I am grateful that I actually feel in a pretty good place, especially compared with the transition I faced last year upon returning to the States, which was definitely tumultuous. The reverse culture shock is much less for me now, at least in the dramatic and tangible sense, but I do think it's hitting me at a deeper soul level this go around. I feel at a crossroads in life, though I'm not sure that I actually have to choose anything just yet. I feel as though some "other" person or "greater" force is pushing me to decide if I am going to lay down roots or commit to a missionary lifestyle, when in reality, a missionary lifestyle is already what I've chosen and is undoubtedly what I'm called to. Now it's just a matter of figuring out what that looks like for me (even if that means remaining Stateside for the time being) and silencing the world around me telling me how I should be living my life. Following Jesus is a seriously counter-culture move, which often means going against the grain of popular culture and thinking. So, in short, I am a bit of a weirdo...and I am ok with that.

It's good for me to live in the midst of uncertainty for the time being because that ensures that I am constantly seeking God on what's next and remaining interruptable and ready for anything. As I take much needed time to reflect on the last several months and reconnect with myself (since I have had no alone time in 4 months), I look forward to finding who I am again, the simplicity of Me in a culture that wants me to feel complex and busy. I believe with my whole heart that I will at some point return to India (how could I not?) but I have no idea how soon that will be or in what capacity it will pan out.

I would LOVE prayer for finding a job and place to live since income and housing are 2 staples of normal life here. Even if I only settle for a couple months...or a couple years, I want to make sure my time here is rich with blessing others as I continue to grow personally and come into my calling as a Christ-follower.

Here's to bringing a piece of India home with me...to loving others, to serving the Church, and to remaining flexible.

The birthday miracle.

2011-03-13T20:43:00.000+05:30

I am finally posting a blog. For whatever number of reasons I have sucked at posting blogs about my time in India...it mostly has to do with the fact that I have been personally responsible for posting most of our team blogs coupled with the fact that our internet is somewhat spastic and decides to quit working far too often. Enough excuses though, 3 is a sad number of posts in blogland considering I have been in India for coming up on 9 weeks now. Without further adieu, I bring you India-blog-post-number-four...

Today is my birthday. Today I have ended my 26th year of life and have begun to embark on my 27th. I remember when I was a kid and my grandpa pointed that fact out to me, that when you have a birthday, you are ending the year that actually corresponds with the age you are turning...a simple bit of logic but one that my young brain had never before digested. It made me feel so wise and mature to be able to brag that I was headed into my next year of life, since naturally it made me sound older and I wanted nothing more than to be just that: older. It is safe to say that my mentality has changed a lot since I was a kid and all I wanted to be was another year older so I could gain more freedoms and try new things. Though turning a year older still holds some excitement for me, it also has begun to hold weight; one year older means one year closer to actually feeling "old," one year less to live, one more year without a steady career, money in the bank, and a husband...all the things the world seems to be telling me I need to be stable. It is significant for me to be in India on my birthday for the second year in a row because India has been so much of my life lately. God has been showing me so much of myself here (at moments that can be a scary thing) and I feel myself becoming who I am supposed to be in doing what I love doing: living cross-culturally and serving others. Though I have insecure moments where I question if I would be better off pursuing a "real" career, I know that nothing can satisfy like doing what you feel called to be doing. I therefore find myself completely content on the eve of my 27th year of life because I know that being here is crucial to being who I am today.

March in India marks the end of the extremely short winter here which follows the torrential downpours of monsoon season. The joke among Indians is that the seasons go directly from winter to summer...and they couldn't be more serious. Even though winter isn't exactly cold (at all), summer is BLAZING hot and the temperature has already climbed to the mid-90s, which feels over 100 degrees with the humidity. Today, we visited a village church where we know the pastor and his wife. The painstaking 3 hour service would have been awesome and enjoyable had it not been for the temperature inside the tiny concrete room. We guesstimated that the temperature inside the room was over 100 degrees considering that when we walked back outside after 3 hours, the 90-some-odd-degree day literally felt cool. We were all so hot and sweaty that two of us nearly fainted while sitting in chairs inside the hot oven of a room. Suffice it to say, it was a very challenging and uncomfortable 3 hours which will help you to understand that why, a couple of weeks back when it was raining, we were beyond excited. The first day it rained here I spent a long time outside just letting the drops hit my skin. I got soaked but it was completely worth it, I love the rain. That very day I actually (and quite earnestly) prayed and asked God if he would bring me rain on my birthday. This morning when I woke up the sky was clear and it was obvious that it was going to be hot and sunny. I thought about my prayer and laughed to myself thinking, "how cool would it be if it rained," and I again prayed that God would bring the rain, even though I didn't think it was at all possible considering I was doubtful God would answer such a silly prayer. Oh me of little faith... This afternoon after enduring the hottest 3 hour church service ever, a bunch of us were sitting chatting in my room and got on the subject of my prayer for rain on my birthday. We all laughed it off and moved on to talking about something else. Less than 5 minutes later I was gazing out the window (at the very SUNNY day) and all of sudden I heard rain drops and saw wet spots multiplying on the ground. I was so shocked that I completely interrupted Bethany and yelled, "IT'S RAINING!!!!!!!!!!" We all ran outside and were jumping around like idiots. The day was still bright and sunny and we all looked up into the sky asking, "where is this even coming from?!" There was one small dark-ish cloud directly above our house (no exaggeration) and it was raining JUST on and immediately around our house! Across the street, not 30 feet from where we were standing, the ground was completely dry and there was no rain! I thanked God so much for the wonderful gift of joy he granted me on my birthday. It seemed like such a silly thing but God knew that it would bring me joy as well as stand as such an amazing testament to his faithfulness because he DOES answer our prayers, even small ones!

Every day spent in India comes complete with new lessons and little glimpses into the real-ness of God. Being here is like staring him in the face sometimes, that is how tangible Spirituality is here. Even though I am far away from many of my friends and my whole family on my birthday, I am comforted that I am where I am supposed to be, and God is a God of miracles, JUST when we need them.

A shameless plug.

2011-02-03T11:22:00.002+05:30

I am busy formulating something profound to write on my blog to update all of you on the status of life here...but until then, please enjoy my shameless plug comprised of pictures of myself in my new and prized sari. I have wanted an awesome silk one forever and I finally was able to shop and buy just the one I wanted...for only 10 bucks! Isn't India amazing? Love you and miss you all!

The week in pictures.

2011-01-22T14:39:00.003+05:30

An outdoor market in Dubai that was closed for the
afternoon but we still walked through it and checked out
the neat old style buildings.

The camel that I rode in Dubai.

Friends walking and shopping in Dubai.

The evening water show (Bellagio style!) in front of the
Burj Khalifa in Dubai, the world's tallest building.

Indian style sewing machine at the Ashraya house in Tenali,
a rehabilitation center for women who came out of sex
trafficking and prostitution.

Indian man climbing a huge palm tree to collect buckets
of rice wine, a substance made from fermented palm sap.
He will climb the tree, tap the fronds with a machete
and a bamboo tube and then bring down the buckets
of fermented rice wine. It is said to taste reminiscent
of Blue Moon beer...I got to taste it...it was gross!

Tapping the palm fronds to make the rice wine.

100.

2011-01-18T07:02:00.003+05:30

This post has been a long time coming. I have thought about what to write dozens of times...for nearly months now. I know it's just a blog, but so many important things were evolving in my life that I was nearly too overwhelmed to form my experiences into words. This is also my hundredth blog post, which, for my nerdy self, feels significant. So, without further adieu, I bring you post 100.

It is 5:45am in Tenali, India and contrary to my usual ways, I am awake...by choice. Living in India shifts everything for me, the bad mingled with the good...but this is one of the good things, getting up early and enjoying the pre-dawn quiet of the day. Ironically though, my alarm clock is the neighboring mosque and their loudly projected call to prayer. Though I am not Muslim, there is something reverent about being woken up to pray before dawn, so I have decided to adopt this habit as much as possible. Living in a house with many other people also makes alone time rare and this seems to be just the cure for that.

When I arrived in India merely four small days ago, something epic happened within me. A shift that I had waited my previous 6 months here to feel, finally released and I felt something I had never before felt in India...

that I was home.

It was an incredible revelation for me to feel this way, because, as you may know, my previous 6 month stint here was difficult, to say the least. It was wrought with tough lessons, culture shock, and struggling to find myself in a culture that relegates women to something I was not used to. I was thankful for what became known to be my 6 month India "boot-camp" and shortly after arriving back in the States last June, I realized that the Lord had merely been priming the pump for me to enter into long term ministry in India, which very much surprised me. I immediately knew I was going to come back, I just didn't know when or for how long when suddenly the RockHarbor India Residency was on my radar...and, well, the rest is history.

Despite the small areas of discomfort here (which are of little concern to me at this point), there is so much about this country to fall in love with. Now that I am past the portion of myself that reacted negatively, I can feel that process happening, as I was trusting it would the second time around. God's plan is so beyond perfect and beautiful, it is intricately poetic, despite my best efforts to screw it up at times. For example, yesterday, our first full week day here in Tenali, we were told that we would be visiting one of Harvest India's elderly homes. When we arrived, I was overjoyed to find it was a home I had visited just over a year ago on my first trip. During my first visit there, some of the elderly people got up and shared their stories, many heartbreaking, about poor health, being forced to beg, and being disowned by their families because of their old age or windowed status. Each person that got up to share walked directly over to me and locked eyes with me as they talked. I was unsure why any of them did this, as I was sitting among 15 other people. Others on my team noticed and later shared that they felt that was God confirming through that my choice to stay in India as a missionary; I personally felt as if my heart had been captured in a way it hadn't before. It was an incredibly touching experience and I felt that truly was one of the early formative moments that started me on my journey back to India. So, needless to say, it was extremely special for me to go back to this same elderly home and see once again many of those same faces. I was also able to share this story with the elderly people and thank them for blessing me in a way that ultimately God used to help me come back to India.

I am thankful that the Lord has allowed me to begin to experience the true magic and beautiful intricacies of this place that has captured me. I knew before that it held my heart but it was difficult to even express why or how. I am suddenly feeling that the mystery of India is being revealed to me and the locked door that kept me out and in the dark before has been opened and the light of understanding has flooded over me. I see myself here, not in the sense of seeing myself living here but rather that I have been given eyes to understand myself within the context of this culture...and it makes sense. I am finally finding my identity here...finding my voice.

Take heart.

2010-08-25T07:03:00.001+05:30

Life is overwhelming. The ups and downs, the happiness and sadness, the hard work and the emotions we all feel each day...

it's a lot.

I was reminded today of the fragility of life while reading some updates on Daisy Merrick, the little girl with cancer who has become well known through the amazing power of the internet and the willingness of God's people to pray.

I was also reminded of the strength of the spirit and the ways in which we were created to overcome, to conquer, and to redeem so much of the hard stuff...but not alone.

Every single day I find a portion of my thoughts falling to India and the time I was able to spend there serving, learning, growing, and being challenged. I sometimes have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that I was chosen to go, me of all people...so broken and emotionally scattered...yet I was blessed with an experience of a lifetime. It doesn't make sense, but it's beautiful and for that I am thankful.

While learning to live again in a place labeled "home," I feel the weight of adjustment every day. I feel the anxiety set in each morning taunting me to feel unsettled and unsatisfied. But I have to fight against what the world pushes upon me because I know I serve a God bigger than any pressure, real or imagined.

Take heart, weary servants, knowing that we are not alone in our pain and our anxiety. Remember to let go of the complexities that make our heads spin and simplify life into one thing: loving God so we can love others. There is immense joy to be found in the journey but you have to remember to allow yourself to find it...

Street Sweeping.

2010-08-04T21:11:00.000+05:30

This morning was one of those mornings in which I kept waking up afraid I was going to over sleep...and I over slept. Rather than my alarm waking me, I awoke to the intrusive sound of the street sweeper...and remembered with a sharp pang that my car was still parked on the street and it was a few minutes after 8...

Sure enough I started my day late and with a parking ticket.

Though this is generally not a worthy topic to blog about on it's own, I have been meaning to blog a lot more often and it bums me out that I've already let myself become too busy to do the things I want to do, even the little things.

I miss India and the slow simplicity of life there. Sure, sometimes I got bored but nothing was ever really that stressful. I had time to just sit and think, time to contemplate, time to just be. For whatever reason, I don't allow myself that time here and during moments where I have nothing else to do, I feel anxious about figuring out the next thing I'm supposed to be doing. I have always thought that it was just me but now that I have seen myself outside of my culture, I realize so much of it is just my environment. It feels like a terribly difficult up hill battle to fight against busyness...but I realize it's perhaps what I have to do to maintain my overall health.

Why do we keep ourselves so busy? What are we afraid of?

Dot. Dot. Dot.

2010-07-30T11:56:00.000+05:30

Do you ever have a moment where suddenly you seem to come to the full realization of yourself? A moment above the storm where you can see clearly for miles ahead? A moment in which you feel defined, determined, and delineated from the crowd? A single drop in time where you actually know that you were created for something beyond human contemplation?

I hope you have those moments...

and that you let them change you.

Rain Down.

2010-07-16T00:03:00.000+05:30

Ok, I can't wait to get my day started (and I slept in a bit later than I had planned on...) but before I jump into it I had to take a few moments to share the overflow of blessings in my life.

Brief background on the last 6-ish years: College was a crazy time in my life. I had a difficult time deciding exactly what I wanted to do, or at least deciding to make that happen. Once I finally settled on a school and a degree, I felt the entire experience was an up-hill challenge. Academically I didn't feel like always rising to the occasion and personally I was a huge wreck. My life was flanked with failed relationships and vain pursuits to fill voids, depression, medication, and countless tears and days hiding out in bed. I had some great things come out of those 5 years, mainly some incredible friendships and a whole lot of tough lessons learned. Right after graduation I took a corporate admin job and for the most part hated it...loved the people (most of them anyway) but did not fit into the environment whatsoever. When the opportunity to potentially go to India showed its face, I dove in completely and, well, the rest is history. In a nutshell, the several years leading up to my India adventure were hard and wrought with a lot of challenges, fighting within myself, and days of wandering in the desert. I often asked, "where are you, God?"

Low and behold the Promised Land. Coming home from India started some incredible things happening for me. Before I knew it, I had gone from having nothing to a having car to use and a house to stay in for almost no cost while I was looking for a new job. And then, with literally very little effort, I had a job a week after I moved back into Orange County. A WEEK!

Beyond having all my physical and logistical needs met and exceeded, a "garden" of friendships has begun to explode with new growth in my life. Hardly a day goes by in which I don't receive a text, phone call, or email from someone reaching out or responding to me and wanting to get together. I have this laundry list of amazing people to spend time with and not enough time to do it! I suppose that's a pretty good "problem" to have...

I have encountered a couple of people who, upon hearing my story of blessing, chalked my life up to something as simple as, good people who do good things (referring to India) get rewarded, much like a sort of karma mentality. With all due respect, that is SO not it. I suppose for all intents and purposes you can state that I am a "good" person...in other words, I haven't murdered anyone or tortured any cats (to be debated, heh heh...). In the eyes of the God I serve, I'm just as sinful and screwed up as the people who do murder others. That concept, understandably, is really difficult for people to understand, especially in the world of secular humanism. In terms of what's fair in the eyes of the world, those who murder and act out evil should be considered not as inherently good as those who feed starving children in Africa. I do not wish to debate theologically on any of this, I merely want to remind everyone reading that I have my fair share of crap inside and out and am only considered anything good and worthwhile because I am FORGIVEN.

Let's not preach, shall we? I merely want to remember to be humble and to give the glory to the Big Guy upstairs for the outpouring of blessings in my life. Even if it looks technically "good" that I moved over to India to help those "less fortunate," truth be told, I had a load of very ugly and selfish moments during my time there...ask one of my absolute best friends who witnessed it, Cory.

May my season of blessings serve to encourage others to see the goodness of God and that in the world we live in, we need to call on that far more often than we do. God is all powerful, all knowing, and all loving...and wants to take each one of us into a life of incredible fulfillment. And for those of you doubting that this is possible or true, get in touch with me and I will share with you the nuts and bolts of who I was when I was trying to do life on my own strength...and compare that with the way I am blessed and taken care of in this season (only through submitting my life to the Lord)...and tell me God isn't real. Sure, not every season will bear such comfort and greatness (um, hello, the least six months in India were HARD and PAINFUL!) but the Lord is faithful to bring us to places of rest when we need to feel His covering and love the most. So, after an indescribably challenging time in India, God has granted me incredible solace and has freed me up to share His blessings with those around me.

He gives and takes away.

A Deep Breath.

2010-07-12T00:19:00.000+05:30

Take a deep breath.

Inhale...

exhale.

Today is a day in which I feel I am spinning outside my own universe, looking in on my life and desperately reaching out to grasp at it...but I'm too far away. I am at a disconnect. This is one of those moments in which I am paralyzed by the reality of who I am and where I am...and wondering what to make of all of it. Truth: I usually do well at loving my character and the stuff I have inside me to offer the world. Another truth: if I'm not using those traits and gifts for a purpose I find worthy, I immediately feel...disconnected.

I realize life is full of ebbs and flows, ups and downs, rights and wrongs...but what I want and what I've always wanted is consistency in doing the things I'm passionate about and doing them well. I can't blame the rest of the world or the hand of cards I find myself staring at when I don't have that consistency...it's not just the situation I was was dealt, it's ME.

Mediocrity pisses me off more than anything, especially when incredible people with incredible potential give into it...yet all too often I look in the mirror and see a person who settles exactly for that. Settling. Ugh. I can see it so clearly in the lives of those around me and can even speak encouragement and love to the people I care most about who are bearing the weight of mediocrity...but when it comes to myself, I tend to ignore and allow the complacency to fester, all the while growing increasingly unsatisfied yet doing little about it. What is wrong with me that I would allow my passion to fizzle so easily?

Tomorrow is NOT the day. TODAY is the day. Anything worth doing "tomorrow" is worth doing today, right now. Otherwise, what the hell are we doing if we are living constantly for tomorrow?

I would say, not living at all.

A Wave of the Sea.

2010-07-10T14:15:00.000+05:30

The older I get the more I realize just how volatile and fickle the heart really is. When I say "heart" I am referring to the part of us that allows us to feel, the part that often takes over and pushes the head/logical/thinking part out of the way. One of the most blaring ways in which I find myself adjusting to life as it is now, is in my sensitivity or barometer to the measure of depth around me. I feel I need to explain that better: what I mean to say is that each day is filled with moments that are varying in depth; some moments are touching, sweet, difficult, contemplative, meaningful, and deep, and other moments are superficial, fun, filled with laughter and, ultimately, not as deep. Though I enjoy the latter, I find that I am measuring the depth of each of my moments and feeling that I don't relate as easily to the moments that are supposed to be "fun" and easy to take in. Part of me feels exposed and even guilty in those moments, like I shouldn't be feeling them and I should instead be feeling something more imposing, something more substantial.

I fear I'm not making sense but I have to try and express what I mean. In layman's terms, I'm having a tough time easily having fun right now. There are certain triggers surrounding India and my experiences there that come up from time to time and leave me feeling paralyzed within them. The mere thought of India is filled with such emotion, happy and sad...and everything in between...that often I feel like I can't even think about it at all if I have any hope of reaching the place where I can let loose and have fun.

I have felt really blessed this last week as I have spent a lot of time with people I haven't seen in a while and that really makes me happy...and I have actually had a good deal of fun. But somewhere deep inside, I feel the emptiness that India has left in me...an emptiness that is not filled by anything else right now. I know that's part of this process, letting myself come to terms with the emptiness in hopes of seeing it in a positive light eventually. For the time being, I sort of just feel this nondescript void that I'm not sure how to deal with. It's like the elephant in the room...I can't get around it and I can't get rid of it...but I don't know how to face it head on because it's bigger than me and heavier than anything I could ever lift on my own.

Slowly I progress through this mess that is me, realizing that there is plenty of goodness to revel in along the way...as long as I'm looking for it.

Joy In the Journey.

2010-07-08T22:47:00.001+05:30

I've been back in the States for 3 weeks now, though it feels like a lot longer than that. The first week I was home felt nearly impossible...in many ways. I was hit hard with my need for time for adjustment, patience, grace...things I wasn't easily granting myself. Week two was a bit easier. I found myself settling into just being and not always doing, something that was instantly a challenge for me upon my return. My feeling is that more than anything else I want to know I'm being used and have a specific purpose I'm working toward in life, something I knew was happening in India, but I wasn't so sure was happening here at home.

I have since come to feel extremely blessed and joyful in my life. I may not have everything figured out but I am surrounded by incredible people that love me for who I am. I have only been back in Orange County for five days and I have spent every day with different people that care about me. Even though I don't have a job just yet, I see that as a blessing. I have an abundance of free time and am filling it with things that are good for my soul, things I really need to do as I'm jumping back into real life.

Nothing really profound or super snazzy will come out of this blog post, but I want to write down how I feel each step of the way as I'm learning to process the past 6 months of insanity that was my life. I am beyond grateful for friends and family and more than ever really feel that they are what makes life sweet. Not every day is a complete walk in the park, as I still feel myself recoil a little in large groups and tend to keep certain things to myself as I'm processing, but I'm ok with that. I am learning to sort out a heaping pile of experiences, emotions, and lessons and I know it will take a lot of time so I'm unwilling to rush myself. In the meantime I am finding joy each and every day in the little things that make up my life...like sunshine, sushi, library books, running in a beautiful area, and sharing laughs with people I really appreciate. Regardless of all the tough stuff I am facing internally, I am pleased that I've finally found the joy in my journey.

To Love.

2010-06-30T12:20:00.000+05:30

I know of only one duty, and that is to love.
-Albert Camus

It's incredible, the healing power of love...sometimes more for the lover than the loved. When we choose to deeply, intentionally, and wholly love someone else, the effects are truly life giving.

That is all.

A Post About Home.

2010-06-26T06:05:00.000+05:30

I am home from India. Actually, I have been home for nearly 9 days and this seemed to be the soonest I was ready to post something real about just that, being home.

Spending 6 months in a foreign country as a volunteer/missionary was hard. Hard probably is the understatement of the year and doesn't really begin to cover the depth of the experience. Though I say "hard" I don't mean to leave a negative connotation hanging in the air to be misinterpreted. It was also very good.

And, now I'm home. Though depending on the timing of my life I have used many different factors to determine what "home" actually is, at this point it is where my family is. I don't feel I have any other home at the moment, I suppose that is the nature of residing within a season of transition. It's good to be home...and it's also vulnerable. Home isn't only where your heart is, it's also where your heart is laid bare and suddenly you are the truest form of yourself. And that can be scary.

When I was in India, I had many moments in which I wanted nothing more than to be home...meaning back in the States, near my family, and surrounded by all the things I deemed as comfortable. Now I am here and feel more than a little disillusioned by it all. I am working hard to give myself extra grace during my time of reverse culture shock but I can't help but feel at moments that I wish I were back. This is probably a textbook case of the Grass is Always Greener mentality, as I was relieved and ready to leave India when I did. It's just that I wish I had done more, been more, seen more, stretched myself even further. I'm not one to sit long in the cesspool of regret so I won't allow myself to live behind today. I will however, continue to live becoming better equipped by what I have gone through.

It's bizarre how much I am willing to stay inside my head and process what's just taken place in my life...considering I have had a difficult time doing the simplest of tasks lately like choosing clothes to wear or grocery shopping. Having to make any decision at all feels a little unnatural and overwhelming. I have only to give myself time to readjust and relearn what I already know so well...it's just getting my heart and emotions to follow suit that is the challenge.

In less words, I am happy to be home. Every day is presenting me with something new to test my patience and my resistance. I am glad to have a close source of hope and a loving family by my side. Thank you to all who supported me during my time away. This life is nothing without people to share your trials and happiness with.

Today?

2010-06-24T14:08:00.000+05:30

Today, I am thankful.

Today, I am scared.

Today, my insides ache.

Today, I am appreciating old friends while yearning to strengthen relationships with new ones.

Today, I am missing India, even though I didn't think I would.

Today, I am grappling with making an old life new and placing a new life behind me...yet I can't make sense of anything, old or new.

Today, I am overwhelmed at the familiar and underwhelmed at the expected.

Today, I seem to know what I want yet can't figure out how to get there.

Today, I feel a little lost, a little tired, a little disoriented, a little hopeful.

Dear India...

2010-05-22T05:47:00.001+05:30

Dear India,

It is 5:20 am and I have been faced with the choice to either sleep for an hour or blog...that's right, I have not yet slept tonight as the craziness of preparing to leave has forced me awake. As deliciously tempting as an hour nap sounds before I have to embark on 24 straight hours of travel, I feel I owe you more than a fleeting thought. So, blog it is.

You and I have gotten to know each other well these past 5 1/2 months. We are more than contemporaries or acquaintances and more like...soul mates, kindred spirits even. As surprisingly different as we are (diametric opposites perhaps), we have found a way into each other's hearts, the good mingled intimately with the bad.

When I first met you I had no idea what to expect. I was scared, excited, thrilled, and on sensory overload. There you were in all your complex beauty; raw, real, and not even trying to hide your flaws. You were intimidating. You were inspiring. You were so foreign from everything I had ever known, yet somehow I felt drawn to you. The more I got to know you, the more I realized how many layers you had...sometimes you withheld yourself in ways that frustrated me and sometimes you revealed yourself in ways that left me in awe. You are a bizarre conundrum, the best part being that you make no qualms about it.

I have to admit, somewhat bashfully, that you have seen every side of me...sides I thought were forever dormant. You saw my tears and my triumphs, heard my laughs and my screams. You broke me down into the tiniest fragments of myself while simultaneously bestowing on me many treasures that will change the course of my life forever.

As much as I wanted to hit and kick you in my moments of turmoil, I admit that your trials presented me a view into the world that I had never seen. Like using alcohol to treat a wound, you burned like hell yet somehow made me better, cleaner, and sent me down the road to healing. You amazed me, surprised me, infuriated me, made me feel on top of the world, made me feel worthless, challenged me, slapped me around, and even made me physically ill...but the most valuable thing you ever did for me was teach me.

I can't say for sure why you chose me to come here, but it's undeniable that you did. I'm sure in due time I will gain more understanding of everything I have seen and done with you, even the parts I don't like remembering much.

As I now prepare to leave you, it is with a bitter-sweet spring in my step. I am ready to leave your certain oppressions and sufferings yet I am afraid to fly ahead for fear I may have missed something you wished to show me. I take great comfort in knowing that you will always be a part of me, no matter where this life may lead, and will therefore never cease to affect my very being. You are curious and unique and though I will never understand you completely, I will never stop appreciating you. Thank you for touching parts of my heart that I almost forgot existed.

You have been life's greatest challenge in my quarter century of existence, yet somewhere inside I know you have also been life's greatest gift.

With the deepest of sincerity and gratitude,

Elana

Milk was a bad choice.

2010-05-14T01:05:00.002+05:30

I should be sleeping instead of blogging...but the last several nights I haven't been able to fall asleep until well after 2 or 3am. My goal was to be in bed and asleep by midnight...it's almost 1am. I guess next time I should adjust for a more attainable goal?

I have been thinking a lot about leaving India and what that means for me in the way of closing this chapter, beginning a new one, and figuring out all the pages in between. I couldn't begin to describe my emotions at my current situation but I do know I'm feeling restless and ready for some of the old familiar. Since no detectible levels of processing seem to be occurring in my cerebral real estate, I will move on to more trivial matters.

A few nights ago I went out to see Iron Man 2. I know this might sound so ridiculous, but I wasn't even aware they had movies playing here that are in English without subtitles. In nearly five months, this is the first movie I have gone to (why didn't I know about this phenomenon earlier?!). We went with a new friend who is Indian-American and is studying at a medical college next door to where we live. Being that she is an American transplant, she understands so much of what we have gone through during our time here. It was refreshing to share some discussions and laughs with someone who gets our cultural nuances.

Seeing a movie here is like crossing the border of a militarized country; they search you and the contents of your bag more thoroughly than a high security airport. I was totally busted when they discovered a bag of gummi bears hiding in my purse; they take their food crimes here very seriously. I watched as they temporarily confiscated my snacks and my digital camera battery...yet made no mention of the relatively large pocket knife keeping company with the always perilous gummi samurais and the radioactive battery laser gun. Go figure. They were lucky I wasn't there to stab the employees and make off with all the rupees I could carry.

The only draw backs to my movie going experience (minus the search and seizure bit) were two wholly obnoxious, loud, and crude guys sitting a couple of rows back from us. They were the only ones in the entire theater who thought they had riotous senses of humor...and trust me, they DIDN'T. If I would have heard ONE more comment about Scarlett Johannson's butt mingling in a sentence with the phrase, "your mom...," "last night...," or "*&$%#"...things might have gotten even uglier than their foul sailor mouths. They were Indian-American, also come back to the motherland to study medicine; God help me if I ever wake up in the ER peering into one of their faces. I shudder at the thought.

It's really no wonder why the world hates Americans, producing such upstanding citizens and all.

With that, it is bedtime. Goodnight, India. Goodnight, America. Goodnight, American dudes living in India studying medicine at a nearby college working so hard at your school assignments that you have zero intellectual activity available for use by the end of the night when you are at the movies...you should have stayed at home.

Re-entering the Atmosphere.

2010-05-08T02:25:00.004+05:30

Living in India has been hard.

Very hard.

But, today, a taste of "real life" hit me and I was reminded of the world I am about to step back into. I received an email from my student loan company reminding me of a payment due...and suddenly, to my dismay, I was reconciling, adding, subtracting, calculating, planning, calendaring, and spreadsheet-ing.

It's been over four months since I have paid a single bill.

Until today.

And suddenly my life is once again on the verge of the mayhem I couldn't wait to leave behind last winter. This is a prime example of why the Grass is Always Greener Theory is bologna: while I was in the States last year I was working a job I hated in the corporate world and struggling to get on my feet as a new college grad. The idea of coming to India was romantic in it's anticipated simplicity, yet once I arrived and was faced with the realities of this foreign environment, I began to pine for those comforts I left behind. I have since adjusted as best as possible to this parallel universe but this ultimate truth prevails: every situation has its downsides and its silver lining...no matter where I go and what I do, I will always struggle under varying degrees of discontent.

Simultaneously ending this chapter and beginning a new one in "familiar" life is already starting to present challenges. I am out of mainstream American culture; I am clueless on current events, newly released movies and music, and all other things typical-pop-culture. Where do I begin to reintegrate after becoming so separate and how much do I actually desire to seamlessly fall into the cushy consumeristic lifestyle I once knew? I am disconnected yet longing for my roots; I have yet to find the ideal balance between the two. I desire to stay aware, alert, and sensitive to the world but part of me also looks forward to shutting everything out and sleeping for a week straight to rebuild myself upon returning home. I am stuck somewhere between responsible world-citizenship and feeling superficiality beginning to suck me back into certain aspects of life. How can I live the way I did knowing what I now know?

Impossible.

As I figure it out, in the meantime I want to appreciate everything about India that I like and love while it's still at my fingertips. I am also anticipating many things about the States that I haven't seen/tasted/smelled/experienced for the last 4 1/2 months (it will be nearly 6 by the time I return home...)

-avocados
-cake (cream cheese frosting and fresh strawberries included)
-CHEESEBURGERS (namely those of the In 'n Out and TK Burger variety)
-mom's home cooking
-sandwiches
-salads
-Bagels
-endless amounts of fresh fruits and vegetables (except cauliflower and potatoes, had my fill of those here)

Beyond food items, I am also looking forward to going to the beach, my friends being only a phone call away, comfy couches, and summer BBQs.

For everything I have learned here and am still learning, the lesson of appreciating all I have been blessed with is a frontrunner at the moment. I am looking forward to feeling embraced and comfortable for a time so that I can restore myself and really begin to absorb all I have collected from this endlessly difficult, beautiful, and complicated culture.

I can't think of anything else thoughtful to say, I fear I am too overwhelmed with thoughts to birth anything more that's even remotely cohesive. Adding insult to injury, I am very hungry and completely exhausted. Once again, I have stayed up too late and am allowing myself to be distracted by what's to come. Even if my blog post doesn't reveal my desire to finish strong here in India, I'm truly wanting to make sure I leave a bit of something useful and meaningful behind; I have put in too much to not go out with a bang (for lack of a better descriptive). I have a lot of work to do in the next 14 days.

See you all in 5 1/2 weeks...

Elana & Cory Battle the Spider Mafia.

2010-05-04T19:43:00.003+05:30

Watch and be filled simultaneously with terror, sympathy, and hilarity...
http://corykhill.blogspot.com/2010/05/arachnophobia-in-india.html

Purple Mountain's Majesty...Indian Style.

2010-04-27T20:03:00.008+05:30

Palampur, Himachal Pradesh. View from the home where we stayed.

I am finally back in Ludhiana with semi-reliable internet and some time on my hands to post the promised pictures. My trip to Himachal Pradesh was busy and tiring but ultimately granted me with a great big helping of nature, clean air, and wide open spaces to explore. We were fortunate to be able to experience many a thunder storm during our stay which made me endlessly giddy. The weather was perfect and beautiful and only served to set me up to be less content with the triple digit weather I am once again enduring everyday. At least I have AC...

Today I attended my first Indian wedding. Since the couple getting married are Christians, the ceremony was a blend of some Christian traditions and some Sikh traditions. The groom's relatives are Sikh and vied for a traditional Punjabi wedding but a compromise was struck instead. Considering most of the wedding was conducted in Hindi, I didn't understand much of what took place anyway, not at all taking away from the fun of the experience. Plus, I was able to wear a saree...which caused a big commotion (white girl in saree = a once in a lifetime novelty around here); I think I accidently upstaged the bride, oops. Nonetheless it was a good time.

Today's attire.

While in Himachal Pradesh we got a chance to travel to a city called Dharamsala. Though most of the main city is located in a valley overshadowed by the Himalayas, a portion of it is located up in the mountains (this place has a different name but I can't remember it...). This particular area is highly populated by Nepali people and has a strong Buddhist influence rather than the usual Hindu one. We visited a huge Buddhist temple, a first for me. It was a really neat place, visited by many tourists and Buddhist monks. The temple is very famous within Buddhism and is one of the homes of the Dali Lama. Though you can't always be sure that he is in residence or not (for security reasons), he does make appearances from time to time at the temple itself. We found out later that evening that the Dali Lama had indeed been in residence at the temple that day; he was on the news offering some words to the players of a huge professional cricket match that had also taken place that day in the city. I apparently was in the same place as the Dali Lama and had no idea!

The main bazaar in Dharamsala.

More of the bazaar.

Buddhist monk.

Buddhist monk at the temple in Dharamsala.

Buddhist prayer wheels.

Also at the temple.

Wheat growing under the Himalayan peaks.

Sunset in Palampur.

The peaks in the background towered to 15,000 feet, nothing compared to the Himalaya's Mt. Everest (which was not near where we were, unfortunately).

I want to shake hands with a Sherpa.

2010-04-18T21:31:00.007+05:30

Sometimes throughout my days here in India I dwell on the many thoughts, debates, and marinations that I want to blog about...but when I finally get access to the internet and a chance to blog out the mishmash of "ish" in my brain, I can't seem to hack it.

At the moment I am too tired to think much but I wanted to offer a bit of a simple update post since I have all but dropped off the face of the internet planet of late. I have been traveling a lot and staying in places with very unreliable internet (if I even have it). I went back to Kachhwa for another nine days over Easter. It was not quite as enjoyable the second round, it was so ridiculously hot and humid that I wasn't sure what to do with myself; just sitting still was so sweat inducing that I was completely and utterly uncomfortable the entire time.

After leaving Kachhwa, I headed back to "home base" in Ludhiana for a mere 6 days to work work work before getting to finally take a glorious break and mini vacation for 5 days. We ventured up into the Himalayas to a quaint (if you can call anything in India "quaint"...) little city called Mussoorie in the state of Uttaranchal. We were basically given a free place to stay in a lovely little house owned by some people we have met here in India...they don't live there full time, it's more of a vacation get away. Luckily, there are some guys living in part of the house who are from the states and are doing some engineering ministry in India, so we had some company and people to give us the low down on the local secrets. Basically I spent 5 days reading, watching movies, hiking, and napping...just what I needed.

Currently I am in the incredible state of Himachal Pradesh, it's also in the Himalayas, even more so than Uttaranchal. It is endlessly beautiful here and it even rained today and was cold...heaven!!! We have been traveling a lot through remote mountain towns which has been fun and a great change of scenery. We are due to stay here another week and a couple days before heading back once again to Ludhiana. I have pictures to upload but no easy way to upload them at the moment so a google image of where I am will have to suffice...

Finally to bed...more to come soon. Kisses!

P.S. To my utter disgust it was just brought to my attention that I haven't blogged in 6 weeks. Holy bad blogger, Batman. I referenced Kachhwa in this post thinking that I had told everyone about Kachhwa...but I realized that I had instead sent out an update email about it rather than blogging. I am too sleepy to remedy this problem now...but if you have not yet been informed and would like to be, I will happily forward my latest update email to you, let me know if you wish to partake. In other news, I had a birthday a month ago...I have now lived a quarter of a century...cheers.

The Biz.

2010-03-06T18:00:00.007+05:30

Unrelated to anything else in the universe, can we please for a moment appreciate the facial hair in this photo?

To my complete dismay, I have done a terrible job of blogging about what my daily life is like here in India. I somehow think I should only blog when I have something profound or deep to say (stupid), but I would like to take more opportunities just to describe what it is I actually do here.

During the week I follow a basic schedule that consists of waking up around 8:30am, going to a prayer meeting at 9:00am (which I haven’t been very good at doing lately), and starting work around 10:00am. I use the term “around” because nothing in India is ever on time, I have mentioned the phenomena of Indian Time before; the only thing predictable is that everything is unpredictable. Based on my distaste of anything curry before noon, I usually skip breakfast or satisfy myself with a banana or care-package-sent granola bar (thanks, Mom!!). I live and work in the same big building. The basement is where the offices are and where I sit and work much of the time. The ground floor is a large multi-use room where events and church services are held. The first floor (or second floor to those of you who don’t speak UKisms) has a few sleeping rooms, a prayer meeting room, and the kitchen and the dining room, where I take most of my meals (save for the McDonalds runs…we get desperate around here). The second floor is where my room is, it also has a couple other rooms and the apartment where my boss and his wife live. Finally, the top floor above my room opens onto a huge rooftop terrace (my favorite architectural feature of Indian buildings). I am sitting on this wonderful terrace as I write this and I can see the city on nearly all sides of me. It’s a great place to watch the smoggy sunsets and catch some “fresh” air. Each day around 5:30pm I stop working and go about my evening which usually consists of either going out into the city to walk, get food, or run errands, or reading, writing, watching TV shows on iTunes, or sitting on the terrace.

A noteworthy thing about Ludhiana (the city where I live much of the time), it is NEVER quiet here. At this moment (roughly 30 minutes before sunset) I can hear tons of birds, cars, tuk tuks (auto rickshaws), people, hundreds of mangy dogs, children, and Muslim prayers being blasted over the mosque’s loud speakers. I can see buildings for miles, or at least as far as the pollution allows. The land here is very flat and lacks any especially tall buildings (minus the one very tall and large Hindu temple due west of me)…I am in fact on top of one of the tallest buildings I can see, making the view the best around. Truthfully, beyond the piles of trash and rubble everywhere, there is something wonderfully enticing about India and its many diversions from my familiar life in the US.

Beyond the physicality of the place where I am living, my job here is equally challenging, diverse, and unpredictable. When you are working for a passionate, opinionated, quirky, strong-willed Indian boss, anything can happen...and I mean anything. It definitely keeps me flexible and on my toes, good things for me. Basically my job here places me as 50% of the communications team for OA. My main task is to create communications geared toward North American supporters and granting organizations. Recently my wonderful partner-in-crime and I rejuvenated an already quarterly-generated newsletter with a more Western feel and tone. I am essentially the go-to girl for all things English...writing, editing, story telling; I guess you could call me the Grammar Guru, if you will (and I hope you will because who doesn't love cheesy Indian jokes?). I have also edited some books, training manuals, and other materials written by people here who don't speak English as their first language and appreciate my ever-present gift of gab (at least someone does!). My next task is to help OA organize and collect information on some of the hundreds of people groups that are represented in India. They are working on making information profiles and short videos for each one in order to help keep track of which people groups have active ministries/social projects within them and to help get grant funding for each specific group. Tomorrow, said partner-in-crime and I will travel 23 hours by train to the state of Uttar Pradesh, to a city called Kachhwa, to spend two weeks working with another branch of OA. We will be responsible for taking pictures (cue photographer), video, and digital voice recordings of a smattering of people from each people group represented in the area. It should be awesome to get out and about and see a whole different part of India...but I will let you know for sure just how awesome it is sometime post the 23 hour train trip from H-E-double hockey sticks.

Side note and personal plug: I will also be celebrating my 25th birthday while in Kachhwa, please pray that I can find myself a pool, go-kart track, miniature golf course, trampoline or some other form of fun to appropriately celebrate a quarter of a century of mayhem that is my life.

Promise: pictures of where I live to come soon-ish, though it will have to wait until after my 2 week trip to Kachhwa...you know how I just love to keep you all on the edge of your seats...

I am Woman. Hear me...meow?

2010-03-05T18:56:00.009+05:30

I have now been living out of the United States for ten weeks. Ten weeks seems like a tiny blip on the timeline of an entire life, yet I feel as if I have learned a lifetime’s worth of lessons already. For all the adjusting I’ve done and the grace I’ve been shown in learning to live in a foreign culture, there are still some aspects of this life that will never sit well with me. One of my largest stumbling blocks is facing the way women are viewed in Indian culture.

Right out of the starting gate let me preface what I am about to say as my personal, albeit strong, opinion and experience. I will not make the claim that I fully understand what it is like to be an oppressed woman in today’s world and I will also refrain from making this a feminist bash on all things male; that is not my style. This is merely a snippet of my current struggle for understanding in my ever trial-filled time of adjusting to life in India.

From what I have been told and what I have seen, women here are regarded in many ways as second-class citizens. I do however hear many Indian Christian men convey their respect for female leaders in ministry, so I will stick to vast generalizations that don’t necessarily account for the other end of the spectrum. Please know that I acknowledge there are no absolutes, not everyone is the same or thinks the same…obviously.

When I was first in India, I had a discussion with an Indian man about how women are openly treated as inferior to men within their culture. My initial experience was quite the opposite; I was merely one woman in a mix of many people who were all treated like royalty-it was sometimes even difficult to accept; everyone seemed to love us and almost be in awe of our…whiteness, maybe? Forgive me if that sounds ethnocentric, I realize it does but I couldn’t get past the fact that people seemed to think we deserved a greater level of respect and every explanation I ever received about it had to do with the color of my skin (it’s related to the Hindu caste system and how the shade of skin is directly relevant to one’s caste level…it’s complex and not worth getting into, I don’t even understand it completely). Anyway, post mission trip royal bliss, I began to understand more of the realities of Indian culture for a woman (sort of), after all I have been living these realities out (sort of). Even from my sheltered and protected circumstances, I noticed immediately that men and women are not on equal planes, even if solely for the reason that it’s inappropriate for people of the opposite sex to have prolonged interaction when they are not married. Suddenly I was thrown into a world of men that wouldn’t address me directly, invite me places, or shake my hand…yet they would extend all these polite formalities to my male teammate and friend. I was able to get past certain aspects of these social norms, it was just a bit of an adjustment to my thinking. I mistakenly thought, “no big deal, I can totally do this!” Before I knew it though, I seemed to be excluded from things merely because I am a woman and not a man.

The toughest thing is feeling like my freedom is impinged because I am a woman. I have been told that I am not allowed to live alone and it is ill advised that I go anywhere alone as well. I admit that I don’t know all of the cultural nuances regarding Indian men and that many of these restrictions are in place to perhaps keep me “safe,” even if the Indians around me do resort to the most conservative meaning of the word. I suppose this is where my pride jumps in and kicks and screams while proclaiming, “I am a strong, independent woman who can take care of herself!!!” Frustration ensues.

For all the ways Christian Indian men go out of their way to avoid being alone with me, addressing me, or even sitting next to me in a vehicle, the whole of the culture outside my sheltered walls seems to digress from feeling the overwhelming need to always be appropriate. Case in point: whenever I walk outside I am constantly stared at by men AND women; they don’t see a lot of white people here. Ok, I could handle it if that’s all there was to it but when it comes down to men actually following me around a store just to smile, stare, and make comments under their breath, it’s really quite tiring. Even when I am out with another male (who, because his skin is also white, is inevitably assumed to be my husband), it doesn’t seem to stop them from giving me their attention…though when I am out alone it is exponentially worse. Men start to actually make their in-poor-taste comments directly to my face, even from across the street. I have even had a group of guys on a motorcycle follow me down the street while I was walking, leave briefly to rally more of their “bros,” then carry on following me like a pack of salivating dogs. Forgive me if I sound insensitive, I don’t hold this view of Indian men because they are Indian, many Indian men are extremely respectful and fun…so let’s not throw the “R” word around, that is not what this is about.

Moving on. All my circumstances here are forcing me into a constant state of varying amounts of discomfort. I say this more as fact than in a negative sense, being consistently challenged is what’s creating learning and growth in my life, for which I am very thankful. In the meantime, my very strong-willed character is being broken down and redefined as I learn and relearn what it means to be submissive to people and situations which are beyond my control. As much as I feel frustrated by the fact that people here seem to think I am limited because I am a woman, I know that I am learning a great deal of patience and grace, both things I normally lack.

I am still formulating my thoughts and opinions of Indian culture; that is something that in our humanness we will inevitably do. I can offer peace of mind that there are many things about India and the people here that I love and appreciate; I don’t want to paint the picture that Indian culture is all bad when it’s quite the opposite. This woman-ness issue is much more about my personal ego than anything else…I apparently have a lot larger ego to deflate than I thought. The more I think and write the more I feel I am just a prissy white girl whose first experience in the Eastern world is getting her panties all in a twist...which is probably true. Even though coming from Orange Country I KNOW what a prissy white girl is...and it's not me...but the truth is, I am white-bred, raised and cultivated to be comfortable and "safe" (there's that dang word again). In any case, regardless of my ignorancies (is that a word?) and shortcomings based on my limited environment growing up, I am glad to be here and facing challenges that I wouldn't otherwise face in the States. Most decidedly, widening my worldview and understanding of culture is worth the pain.

Coming Clean.

2010-02-16T11:20:00.004+05:30

Hello blogging world, family, friends, complete strangers...I am glad you stopped by today, it was not an accident that you did.

It's time I shared more of my vulnerability with you. Not the sneakily guarded, contemplative, what-is-the-meaning-of-life complexities of my usual "vulnerability," but the kind that's humbling to verbalize...the kind that we so often try to keep inside because it's terrifying to put it out into the universe. Once it's there, out there, unguarded in the ether, it's anyone's for the taking...which means anyone has a chance of finding out about my fears and failures...the things that ironically make me human but that I spend my life vehemently denying.

I have very much messed up many things in my life, I suppose that's what we humans do best. Living in India has brought me to a place in myself that I don't wholly understand, I am even scared to investigate it. As much as I came here for what I deemed the "right reasons," I have found a dark struggle inside me that has made it hard for me to move forward here, to break free of the things that hold me back, that stack up between me and God. So, I find myself in a rut, in a foreign country, undoubtedly ostracizing and burdening my best friend (and only real human support here...) because I can't so much as humble myself and admit that I can't do this on my own. Of course I cognitively understand that I can't do this on my own...but still it has been weeks and my pride has held strong. It's built what feels like an impenetrable fortress around my heart and is fighting with all the nuclear weapons and gusto in the world to keep everything else out.

The part of me that seems to get the most frustrated is the part of me that expected that I would do this right. Moving to a foreign country to become a Christ-serving missionary means you have everything together, right? Well, here is my mightily humble proclamation: I don't have it all together and I'm not where I want to be spiritually. Why does it feel like a dirty Christian stigma to admit that as a missionary I'm really struggling, hurting, fighting to remain centered and focused on God? I have to let go of all the things I "think" I should be...and just be myself in all my broken pieces. I am once again in need of a savior...not that I ever wasn't, I just feel it again in every fiber of my being.

This morning I woke up on a quest for true humility and understanding. I am thoroughly sick of my dark and depressive nature and I'm ready to tear down that fortress around my heart, even if it's only one brick at a time. I know being refined is a process, a painful one. But if it took me having to come to India to truly learn to let God lead and control my life, then it's worth it. I know it's no coincidence that God is tugging at me today, my heart felt primed for change the moment I opened my eyes this morning. Today's Daily Bread devotional talks all about failure and how God USES His children who are failures, liars, murders...it's all throughout the bible. I then happened to check a friend's blog only to find that she had posted lyrics to a song all about breaking the chains that keep us from the freedom that is in Christ.

Ok God, I'm listening.

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age..."

-Matthew 28:20

Rickshaws and Monkeys and Pink, Oh My!

2010-02-06T20:48:00.016+05:30

I must admit, today my tiny universe was filled with many frustrations. Mostly it's that I am fighting off yet ANOTHER bout of sickness (sore throat, cough, swollen tonsils, chills, aches, blah blah blah) which renders me fairly unable to cope with anything even remotely out of the ordinary. Case in point: the internet felt the need to suck all day, making it impossible to upload all my new pictures to Facebook...should I whine some more? Anyway, I am sick and a tad annoyed...although still reeling (in a good way) from an incredible five day adventure...first to Agra, Uttar Pradesh to see the Taj Mahal and then to Jaipur, Rajasthan to experience everything about "The Pink City."

First, we begin our journey in Delhi where we hopped on a 6am train to Agra this past Monday morning. We arrived in Agra around 9:30am without hitch and were fast on our way to see the Taj via auto-rickshaw. I would try to explain the Taj but there are no words...literally, there are NO words. It was more than I imagined, a jewel of perfection as far as man-made structures go. It's rather mind blowing, breath taking, and one of the most incredible things I have ever laid eyes on. I had very real chills the first moment I saw it. We spent hours there exploring, taking a tour, taking hundreds of pictures, and sitting in the shade basking it the Taj's glory. It was the most relaxed I have felt in a very long time...and every bit worth coming to India to see...so do it.

That same evening we boarded another train to Jaipur, running only 90 minutes late, a great feat of success for the Indian Railway system. I was surprised to find that Jaipur was one of the cleanest big cities I have been in so far in India...which isn't to say it's clean, just cleaner than most. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this city, there is a large portion of it that is walled in and everything inside the walls is painted pink, thus it's nickname, "The Pink City." It is very well situated for the Western tourist, in other words there were Western bathrooms, toilet paper, and restaurants with "continental" cuisine nearly everywhere. It was a welcome change after nearly 6 weeks of real Indian living. I won't lie, I had my share of milk shakes, french fries, and pasta.

We were able to hit all the major tourist spots in the city including a huge old fort/palace called Amber Fort and (my personal favorite) a place called Monkey Temple, aptly named for it's thousands of monkey inhabitants. After spending a whole 10 rupees on a bag of peanuts (about 20 cents USD), we were able to feed the monkeys while they grabbed our hands and held onto our legs...it was one of the most fun and exciting things I have ever done...and I'd like to think I have lived a fairly exciting life thus far...maybe?

Anyway, on to the piece de resistance, the pictures! I'm not much in a storytelling mood, at least with my words, so I will allow my pictures to do the talking. Bon appetit...

Monkey at the Taj Mahal.

First sneaky teaser view of the Taj.

The typical image of the Taj.

Yes, I am a shameless tourist.

Possibly THE most amazing picture ever taken. Ever.

One of the Taj minarets.

Detail of the amazing semi-precious stone inlays covering the Taj.

One of the cool nooks at the Red Fort in Agra.

Red Fort, Agra.

Amber Fort, Jaipur.

Snake charmers at Amber Fort in Jaipur. We ended up getting to each hold the cobra...I'm guessing it had no teeth...either that or we pretty much almost died.

India Through My Eyes.

2010-01-31T19:10:00.001+05:30

Many people have been asking to see pictures I have taken since I have been in India. I have taken tons and am working on creating an online album so you can view them all at once...but until I make the time to complete that task, I decided to at least tantalize your senses with a few shots that will allow you to see a small glimpse of the India I have so far experienced; pictures honestly don't do it justice.

I have to admit, I have a hard time even looking at these images as I have seen so much more behind them that will stay with me forever. Since most of you may not ever have the chance to see these hidden treasures and tragedies with your own eyes, I have attempted to capture bits and pieces of this intoxicating nation, whether it be beauty, filth, joy, or sorrow. I hope you will be impacted by these tiny slivers of my experience.

Young girl with her baby brother in a small village outside Ludhiana.

Women carrying water jugs in a poor village outside of Tenali.

Young Hindu girl with her proud mother on a ferry ride to an island village outside of Tenali.

A slum in Tenali; people gathered to receive handouts of food.

A beautiful woman in a small village outside Tenali that begged me to take her picture then show it to her on my camera.

A roadside food stand where we stopped to eat.

Hindi words painted on the inside of an abandoned stable outside the city of Ludhiana.

Doors into an Indian home, Ludhiana.

[Insert Clever Title Here]

2010-01-23T14:25:00.000+05:30

Current Soundtrack: Death Cab for Cutie

It's Saturday and I am supposed to be working...but I can't concentrate at the moment. For the first time in a couple of weeks I am sitting comfortably in just a long-sleeved shirt indoors...rather than having to bundle up in a coat and scarf to be warm. For this small thing, I am grateful.

I have been doing some reading on culture shock and adjusting to a foreign lifestyle. The simplest way to overcome the trials of this major adjustment is to focus on the things about the new culture that you really love and appreciate. I have spent a good amount of time mulling over the things about Indian culture that I dislike, detest, despise. The last couple of days I have tried a different approach as I have sought out to dwell on the things about this place that I love.

I love my space heater. Yes, it sounds mocking and sarcastic, but I mean it in the most genuine of ways, I would be miserable without it. In fact, I may not even still be in India if it weren't for my trusty little heater sidekick. Heat is something I have never stopped to think about as a blessing. Let me tell you, when you live in 40-60 degree weather in an uninsulated, concrete building, you learn to appreciate things like heaters.

I love the many rich visuals of India. Sometimes it is impossibly hard to SEE some of the things here but more often than not my visual senses are overwhelmed with beautiful colors, textures, and people. Despite all the ugly parts of humanity, there is much beauty to be appreciated in this country.

I love the pace of life here. But, to be completely frank, I also hate the pace of life here. Time in India is completely loose and flows at its own speed. Nothing moves quickly or with precise intentions; things seem to almost skip and trip forward and randomly, by complete chance, end up in a somewhat recognizable state. Everything about my driven, type-A way of living is being challenged here. If I don't have something to DO or focus on at every moment, I immediately feel bored, unused, unfulfilled. In reality, I believe the Lord is trying to teach me to slow down and just be. Sure, we all talk at times about learning this cliche lesson...but never has it truly been put into effect as it is here in India. I aspire to learning and mastering the discipline of being; many great people have chased this goal in their lives. I hope to be able to soon report back that I am content with being still, being alive, and just simply being.

I love that I have the opportunity to appreciate the small things in life, the things you always long to appreciate but you never really have the capacity to. Things like a warm blanket, a close friend, a long hug, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Thank you, India, for all the things you are teaching me and the ways in which you are challenging every fiber of my being. May I learn to bless you as much as you are blessing me.

Butte If All Must Ash?

2010-01-19T05:30:00.000+05:30

This is why we should not share a desk.

Stubbornness, Ice Cream, and Brass Tacks.

2010-01-19T04:30:00.000+05:30

Today is a good day to blog...mostly because I don't feel like doing it.

I do my best work when I am being stubborn and subsequently broken of my stubbornness.

Two mornings ago I threw a fit made for a cranky 3-year-old. It was embarrassing...and though in the moment I was glad only Cory was there to witness it, I am now defeating my shroud of privacy by sharing it here. I feel the best way for me to grow and bear fruit from my efforts is to be transparent. So, I had a toddler-sized fit complete with crying and dumping things out of suitcases...merely because I felt the deep need to control something...yet everything about India and being here means giving up that control.

And for us controlling types, this will just not do.

I am now forced to place one foot in front of the other even when all I want to do is whine in the corner that things are too difficult. Of course this is difficult, Elana, this is full-time missions...

Anyway, on to things more important than (though not as substantial as) my pride and my constant struggle for humility in this foreign environment...

For a more positive reporting, I have literally been healed. Over the past few years I have developed a serious sensitivity to certain types of dairy, mainly milk and ice cream. When it finally resulted in violent vomiting every time I drank milk or had ice cream, I was forced to give them up. It has been nearly 2 years since I have had any milk or ice cream at all...until a couple of days ago. I decided to pray to ask the Lord to heal me of whatever it is that makes me sick with dairy...and I wholly believed He would do it. Since I can't get soy milk here in India like I could in the States, I figured it would just be easier to be able to drink cow's milk...it's in everything here, including the tea which is given to us all the time as a gift of hospitality. So, I decided to have some tea with milk in it earlier this week...and presto, I felt fine. I then moved on to a little milk in my cereal and abracadabra, no problemo. To REALLY test the validity of the God-healing theory, I had an ice cream cone with Cory...and, success!! The existence of ice cream and my ability to eat it = there really is a God. Please note photographic evidence.

Now, down to brass tacks. India is a difficult place with many cultural obstacles for little ol' Western-minded me to overcome. I admit, the last week has been scarred with many moments of weakness in which I considered throwing in the towel and running away back to the States. BUT, I know that I am in the middle of God's will for my life, I have a peace about this being the right thing for me. And come on, what growth and good ever came out of something easy? Growth takes perseverance which comes from the testing of one's faith (James chapter 1)...which, let's face it, just plain hurts sometimes.

So, for all those who have been asking how they can specifically pray for me, today I need prayer to experience the joy of the Lord in the trials I'm facing. We serve a faithful God, whom I know will never leave me or forsake me and I need to cling to that promise in this moment.

Thanks to all of you who are loving and supporting me...your encouragement and prayers go a very long way.

Infinite x's and o's from India...

Namaste.

2010-01-12T19:00:00.000+05:30

Welcome to India. Ok, so I have possibly already worn my welcome slightly...I have now been here for 15 days, if you don't count the time it took me to travel from the States. I feel as if I have already lived a legitimately lengthy lifetime since I have arrived in this mysterious place that is India. If you sense an air of sarcasm in my tone, you would be correct in assuming that adjusting to life here isn't all sitars, incense, and maharajahs. However, dear India, I must admit you have captured my heart in a way that surprised me, the result of a complex intertwining of ugly and beautiful, elegant and hideous, intoxicating and gag-worthy.

I would like to start from the beginning but alas, trying to completely describe my experiences here thus far would take days...if it's even a possibility at all. Suffice it to say that the last 2 weeks were filled with many wonderful moments and intense ministry as I built great relationships with 31 amazing individuals...while simultaneously overwhelming my senses with some of the most gruesome, stomach-churning, and gut-wrenching things I have ever laid eyes on.

India is so poor. "Poor" is a rather pathetic adjective in this case, it perhaps even wins the understatement of the year award. The living situations of the people I have encountered recently are more than mind-blowing, they are inconceivable...and I have even SEEN them. Spending two weeks in Tenali, India was merely embarking on the tip of the world's largest iceberg in the middle of the Arctic ocean wearing only a skimpy bikini. Translation: it would be completely impossible to solve every problem, clothe every child, and feed every empty tummy that exists in that city...and coming to that realization was a hard knock to my ever-lofty savior complex. What great humility I faced seeing the realities of the Third World. It was so heartbreaking that I initially shut off entirely, feeling nothing but...nothing. After a few days stuck in the abyss of nothingness, I had a total breakdown, finally feeling the overwhelming heaviness that is India itself. I figured all I could do was to love the few people I came in contact with, meet a few needs, and encourage a few souls toward the freedom found in the Lord...and then come to terms with the fact that change comes slowly but one soul touched is still a step in the right direction.

Fast-forward to today...I am now in Ludhiana, India, a city north of Delhi. How far north depends on the type of vehicle you take to get here...6 hours by car, 4 hours by express train, and 10 hours by cockroach infested slower-than-molasses-train, our personal favorite and preferred method of transportation. Cory and I arrived in Delhi this past Saturday. I ended up very ill from dehydration for the night but was well enough to travel by said bug-train on Sunday afternoon and evening. Let's just say I was NOT prepared for all that is India train travel and it's less than comfortable accommodations. It IS true what they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I promise to start to blog more from here on out, I am finally settling in and starting to actually work. Until then let's take a moment to appreciate some new-found India-isms:

-Ludhiana. Population: 3.5 million. Stoplights: 1. You do the math.
-Indians eat ketchup on their pizza. Before you scoff, TRY IT.
-In India, speed bumps = speed breakers...this phenomenon not only takes the place of stoplights on the road, but in homes and buildings you will find that doorways are raised about 3/4 of an inch from room to room...and do dandy at breaking your speed via tripping you. Every time.
- Indians refer to surge protectors as spike busters. It's true. And for the last few days when an Indian person would refer to a spike buster, I was sure they were saying "spy buster" and wondered what fabulous video game, stun-gun shenanigans I was missing out on. Clever Indians.
- There is no such thing as trash day here. When your trash builds up to an impassible pile in front of your residence, you merely throw a lit match towards the general direction of the vile skyscraper...and the trash is officially taken out. Best chore in the world.
-Fact: your bathroom is where your behind is.
-Fact: it IS possible to get sick of Indian food.
-Fact: Indian people are incredibly hospitable.
-Fact: riding in an auto rickshaw in India is one of the great milestones in one's life.

More to come soon.

P.S. I am going to attempt to learn Hindi. I already know 3 words.

The Eve of Things New and Old.

2009-12-25T14:40:00.000+05:30

What a delicious whirlwind of chaos my life has become lately. Preparing to move out of the country is not a small task and has far outgrown the shiny ideal situation that has long danced in my mind. I have been dreaming for months (years even) that selling off my belongings and jet-setting across the globe to help people in need and live an adventurous and meaningful existence would be all rainbows and butterflies as I skipped along toward my destiny...yet I now find that my ideals are a long way from reality, about as far from truth as this run-on sentence is long. I must admit that as hard as the reality actually is, it's already proved far more rewarding than I thought it would.

Beyond the jumbled mess of logistics that ensue when doing something as monumental as moving halfway across the world, the emotional, spiritual, and mental implications that come with a huge life change are heavy. I have done my best to prepare for the adventure on which I am about to embark, but I believe that almost nothing could prepare me for the things I will soon face, the sights I will see, and the ways in which I will be changed, challenged, and stretched. It is all starting to finally sink in...I am moving to India in roughly 43 hours.

India?!?

Though I have had my bouts of materialistic temptations, I have always considered myself a fairly level-headed person when it comes to owning, hording, and acquiring "stuff." Though I appreciate my comforts as much as the next money-mongering American citizen (ha), I have always felt proud of my hippie roots...so much so that I have boosted my confidence enough to believe I could live off nothing more than the earth itself...if I REALLY wanted to.

FALSE.

Let's face it, I'm a complete baby when it comes to my things and parting with them...and it took me selling off much of what I own to realize this. I spent a large part of my Christmas Eve sorting and packing...and as I looked at the meager amount of belongs I will soon be living off of, I started to panic. No cell phone...no wardrobe of "choices"...no shoe collection....no accessories or purses or...style. Something in me snapped and I felt terrified at losing my things, the things I had always thought I could let go of at any moment. Denial: the first clue that I'm an addict.

And so, as I sheepishly face my stuff-addiction and work to swallow my pride, I realize that I am not above the things of the world that easily trap us and blind us to our own vices. Truly, I am excited to be broken of my consumer-driven ways and to begin to see life as a collection of precious moments, not shoes. I hate to sound so shallow...but I suppose in many ways I am. I think that is much of what drives me to want to get out of my comfort zone and reach out to those in need...because I really have no idea how not to be shallow about certain things. I want to be challenged to face the parts of myself that are insecure without all the fluff to hide behind.

I look forward to sharing more about myself and the things I am learning as I venture out into the great unknown...not to brag or boast, but merely to offer a bit of my reality to hopefully challenge your own.

Seeing as it is already Christmas, I feel the need to share just how thankful I am that God loves us so deeply that He gave us Jesus as the way to gain eternal life. It's funny how elementary it sounds, but sometimes I need to be reminded that it is for that reason alone that I am even moving to India...to share with others what it means to know Jesus personally. The love I know in Christ is so vivid, tangible, and complete and I am called to share that with the ends of the earth...as hard as that will be at times.

I am also so thankful for my family, blood related as well as extended. Without my parents I probably wouldn't be able to even go to India; they have given me so much to support me in every way and I am forever indebted to their incredible love and encouragement. I am also so grateful for my amazing sister who inspires me daily with her insane amounts of creativity and the way in which she sees the world around her. I am deeply grieving having to leave my family...but I know it is only for a time. Beyond my blood relations, I have to acknowledge my lovely friend Tracy who has seen me through the best and worst times of my life. She is truly a sister to me and regardless of time or distance, we always pick up right where we left off. I am thankful for her heart, her passion, her sense of humor, and her unconditional love for me even when I suck at being a friend. And to my friend Sara, a dear and gentle spirit, I am very thankful for the way in which she loves me...with so much warmth and encouragement. She actually just got engaged tonight and as ecstatic as I am for her and her wonderful fiance, I am once again reminded of the things I am leaving behind and am saddened that I will not be here to be apart of her joys and stresses as she plans her big day. Finally, I want to share how thankful I am for my kindred spirit, Cory. I am about to embark on this crazy adventure and I comforted to know that he will be at my side through all of it. He is so special to me and our lives have already been so filled with insane parallels, coincidences, and happenstance that I am excited to see what lies ahead, it's sure to rock my socks off.

Apparently my long-windedness has once again turned my post into a novel. I haven't really blogged in a while...consider it a back-log of cranial goodies.

And with that, I bid you farewell and Merry Christmas...I won't be posting for a while, probably at least until I arrive in Delhi, India on January 9.

In that case, Happy New Year!

2010 is going to be a good one.

An end and a beginning.

2009-12-18T13:01:00.000+05:30

For weeks I have wanted to write something to try and capture this intricate and delicate time in my life.

I am leaving for India in 9 days.

And as much as is weighing on my mind and heart at this very moment...I cannot begin to find the words to express how I am feeling.

Stay tuned. I promise I will get better at this.

India Benefit Print Sale

2009-11-23T10:49:00.000+05:30

Help me out while supporting a great cause and buying some photography prints!

Read me: http://elanagracephotography.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/india-benefit-print-sale/

"Lord in the end now you can’t take it with. Gotta live."

2009-11-11T07:59:00.000+05:30

Current Soundtrack: Draw the Line by David Gray

Thought of the day: I am freaking in love with David Gray.

I can't stand that I have gone nearly a month without sharing my many thoughts. I have been overwhelmingly busy and consumed with plans and preparation as I approach a new chapter and journey in my life that I have had little time to even collect myself. I am suppose to be working on editing photos from a wedding I shot but I am distracted and have been thinking about writing for several days now. Sorry photos, writing wins out tonight.

I can't even begin to wrap my mind around the things I will see and experience in the coming months. I feel blessed beyond belief to be so young and to be able to already see so much of the world. I hope I can be a good steward of my time abroad and be able to bear the fruit of my experiences sometime in the future.

My mind and heart are so full that I suddenly feel too overwhelmed to even write...in a good way.

Fin.

"With the possible exception of the equator, everything begins somewhere."

2009-10-15T12:15:00.000+05:30

I have been meaning to write for a while but have found myself sidetracked into the busyness of life. My mind is completely saturated with thoughts of the coming months but for the first time in a while, I am excited for the complete unknown and the complete release of that unknown into the hands of Someone who is equipped to handle it.

I faced an interesting and intense personal trial this past weekend. Please forgive my non-disclosure but trust me on the statement that it changed me...or at the very least changed my trajectory mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I reached a place I was unfamiliar with and psychologically was challenged to face my true and deep darkness, the harsh and sin-ridden parts of my heart that hide away only to convince me they don't exist.

It's difficult to face reaching the ends of myself and truly being reminded of just how finite I am.

But rather than woe in my humanness and wish for monumental (and fictional) super powers, I have faced up to my serious need for Grace.

And as C.S. Lewis so eloquently stated that everything begins somewhere, I can only admit that I am merely the humble beginning of a work in progress.

Ok.

2009-10-12T04:12:00.000+05:30

Down on my knees down on my face
You just say it's ok
So many days I've thrown away
You just say it's ok
I don't think I could ever repay
Your perfect grace, but it's ok

It's ok, It's ok
It's ok, It's ok
You've become my embrace
Just tell me it's ok

Your precious words intoxicate
A heart that aches; it's ok
You don't recall my past mistakes
You just say it's ok
The human mind can't calculate
Your perfect grace, but it's ok

Even though you've seen a thousand times
I've let you down
You're always there if I should call your name
You're unashamed, unashamed

In Love with Tragedy

2009-09-30T00:17:00.000+05:30

After 25 months of full time school followed by full time work with no breaks, I was able to finally take a vacation (the last one I took being 25 months ago...backpacking in Europe) and really get away for more than just a quick weekend. I went to Boston and New York City for ten glorious days. Being that it was my first time to both of those places, I was delightfully overwhelmed with new sights and experiences. The East Coast is an extraordinary place that feels immensely different from California. I loved the exposure to the big city, the ease of public transportation, and the way life scurried by in a whir of fast-paced events, where even going to the grocery store was a well-planned feat of time, resources, and well-supported walking shoes. Growing up in a small and relatively sleepy town rendered me ill prepared for the rush of city life...and surprisingly, living the last 6 plus years in Southern California has barely changed me. I'm still unsure if I'm adaptable to the city life, but it's at least enjoyable for short amounts of time.

Getting away from the normal daily grind was inexplicably helpful to my mind and soul. I felt relaxed in ways I haven't in many months (perhaps years, even) and truly carefree and cut loose to walk as slowly as I wanted and avert my eyes to places beyond the never-ending stretch of bland sidewalk beneath my feet. I wasn't constantly on edge or getting pissed at people who cut in front of me in lines, waiting for things didn't bother me and patience was abundant. I had nowhere to be but where I wanted...

and perhaps that spoiled me.

It's an undebatable fact that the worst thing about vacations is returning back to the same life you left behind. Waking up in the morning is a labored task, getting to work is an Olympic sport, and working an 8 hour day might as well be the Iron Man Triathlon. Life drags, feels heavy, and lacks momentum altogether. The hardest part of this for me was waking up this morning and feeling the weight of a life I don't want. Creating a bit of temporary distance from my life as it stands only bred more discontent within me and now serves to point out the many nuances of my current existence that I detest.

Level ten postpartum-vacation depression has set in.

I think the hardest part is that my life is in limbo, transition, everything is a waiting game for the remainder of the year. I don't want to mentally shut down but I am having a hard time keeping my batteries charged and disappearing into the abyss of my mind sounds all too comfortable and safe. All I want is a hearty meal of comfort food, a pair of sweats, and a movie night. I don't want to deal with anything and I especially don't want to face the bleak realities of my mundane life. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer...I am just struggling to overcome re-entering my own atmosphere.

New York, I miss you...what I wouldn't give to spend one more night tucked safely away in your buxom bosom of other-worldly excitement and your colorful kaleidescope-esque tapestry of culture and life.

Get me out of Orange County. Please.

102.

2009-09-15T07:39:00.000+05:30

One hundred two. One hundred two days until my life begins again. One hundred two sunrises, one hundred two sunsets. One hundred two nights in a comfortable bed, sheltered from the insanity of the world, still safe and warm. One hundred two measures of time that bring me closer to a dream realized.

One hundred two days until I move out of the country.

One hundred two seems dwarfed next to my anticipated moments of fear, anxiety, excitement, stress, and passion. I am overwhelmed today at the thought of living another life...another existence in another culture, another set of challenges to face, and another million lessons to learn.

Maybe it's that today my current life isn't settled, isn't happy, isn't restful, or peaceful, or complete. Today I am reminded of my shortcomings...and the shortcomings of others that create the complexities of love and relationships with those we hold close. One of the most frightening things about moving out of the country might be that those relationships will be no longer easily accessible. They will no longer be on the other end of the phone, the other side of the front door, the passenger seat of my car, the other side of my bed. They won't be a short drive away...or even a long one. They will be worlds away.

The ever-present encompassing fear of loneliness presides. It rules this kingdom I live in, dictates in a cruel monarchy every breath and every thought. It's inescapable and overwhelmingly heavy. But I know that without fear, I wouldn't understand how complacent I become in my comfort. Fear is the very boundary of self; it reflects the parts of me that dare to venture outside the life in which I know I am safe. Fear reminds me what it is to live, to feel my pulse inside my chest racing in anticipation of experiencing things yet untouched. If fear can motivate me then here I stand, ready to face and conquer, knowing that I will come out the other side of this journey a more complete human being. If the antithesis of fear is love, then I want to have a better understanding of love itself by dissecting my fear. If I was put into existence merely to love, then I want to be the best at it that I can be...and I know thus far I haven't always been a competent lover...in a romantic sense as well as a platonic one. I am hoping that facing the rawness of the world and human existence will teach me to love completely and live without the fear that now enslaves me to myself like the confines of a straight jacket. Whoever I think I am in this moment will be challenged and redefined, broken and put back together only to be broken again.

Refine me. Rebuild me. Renew me. Reframe my view. Redefine my idea of love. Reclaim my independence in the reminder of my dependence. May I find myself in a sea of faces while realizing my place in the midst of creation. Wearing my fear like a rite of passage, may I break the shackles that bind me to complacency and show the world just what I'm made of...the sum of all my parts, ugly or otherwise.

One hundred years to live.

2009-09-07T07:23:00.000+05:30

Over the past few months I have remained extremely tight lipped about some major potential changes in my life. I have a history of playing out the nasty habit of getting excited about something before it's really happening and telling everyone I know of my "plans," only to watch them fail miserably shortly thereafter...it's always humbling and a bit of an ego jab to have people ask me months after the fact, whatever happened to my premature and over-zealous pipe dreams?

This time I wanted to make fairly certain of my direction before I shared it with anyone other than my family and a couple close friends. I wasn't only trying to not look again like the girl who cried insane-over-planning-wolf, but I also didn't want to get ahead of myself, get too excited, or too attached to something that wasn't the right thing for me. I have decided that I am ready to let people know of my general up coming direction in life because I have thought a lot about it, prayed a lot about it, and feel fairly confident (today) that this is where I'm headed. I am also willing to admit the boundaries of my humanness and say that things could definitely change and they will most assuredly at least turn out differently than I anticipate. I am ready for the challenge of being flexible and letting God show me my next move while I am completely blind to anything further ahead of me than my own nose.

I want to preface the announcement by saying that my plans are completely unformed. I am keeping it that way on purpose as I want to go into this adventure as flexible and ready for anything as I possibly can. I will be flying by the seat of my pants until I feel led in one direction or another...and I'm excited to see what happens.

In December I will be embarking on a two week long missions trip to India with my church to partner with an organization called Harvest India. Our main duties will be getting involved with a large orphanage they run there. We will also be getting into the community a bit; we have yet to hear exactly what the trip entails. Since I have to raise support for the trip anyway, which includes a round trip airfare from the States to India, I have decided that I am going to attempt to stay overseas for an indefinite amount of time before utilizing that return flight. I have to be honest, "indefinite" could equal anything from a few weeks, to several months, to a year.

I find myself at an amazing time in life. Yes, I gripe here and there about the woes of being young and recently out of college...but in reality, I may never again have a time in my life where I am so unattached. I am barely 24 and a half years of age, relatively healthy, single, passionate, and ready to be challenged and uncomfortable for a time. God created me a person with an enormous amount of heart for overseas missions. I have felt called to this for much of my life and I finally see it becoming feasible. I am choosing not to partner with a specific program up front (i.e. YWAM) because I won't know where I am supposed to be until I am there. I am literally stepping out in a huge amount of faith and relying on God to be my vision, my guide, and my heart in all of this. I would like to travel around a bit, there is so much of the world I long to see...but I may possibly just settle in India, I won't know until it's happening. I am attempting to get in touch with a few connections overseas to see if I might have some specific opportunities to serve and volunteer, though I most likely won't commit to anything in advance. Anyone who knows me at all may know my deep heartache for women caught in forced prostitution and sex slavery. I have volunteered with a couple of organizations stateside that deal with slavery and I am currently seeking potential opportunities to work in the rehabilitation of women pulled out of slavery in India.

To be up front and transparent, I am terrified of this entire endeavor. I also feel that it is this fear that is driving me to want so badly to overcome and conquer. I know that the Lord will give me everything I need and that this experience will pan out to be life changing, formative, and completely unforgettable.

Should things proceed as stated, I will be breaking all major ties with my life here in Newport Beach come December. I will vacate my house, quit my job, store the belongings I won't be taking with me, and sell my car. Armed with merely a backpack full of some essentials, my passport, and traveler's insurance, I will plan to take on the world in some capacity.

I am SO ready and SO excited.

Should you feel so inclined, I would LOVE if anyone would be willing to partner with me in prayer throughout the next few months until my trip...and beyond.

I would appreciate prayer for these specifics:

-health (I tend to spend a lot of my life sick...I am hoping for a miracle that I will remain healthy for the time I am overseas)
-protection
-a humble attitude that encompasses flexibility, adaptability, and lots and lots of love for those I will meet along the way
-direction and guidance
-finances (this is probably THE single most daunting thing about this whole adventure...I tend to have a lot of anxiety about it)

I apologize that I don't get to talk to each and every one of you individually about my life changes; I know general public sharing of information can feel impersonal but please know that I love and appreciate everyone in my life and I hope to be able to connect with more of you individually in the near future.

To life, love, adventure...and making the most of my one hundred short years on this earth.

Cheers.

Tuesday Night

2009-09-02T08:56:00.000+05:30

Current soundtrack: The Holly and the Ivy by George Winston, from the album December (one of my favorite pieces of music in existence)

up into the silence the green...(41)
by e.e. cummings

up into the silence the green
silence with a white earth in it

you will(kiss me)go

out into the morning the young
morning with a warm world in it

(kiss me)you will go

on into the sunlight the fine
sunlight with a firm day in it

you will go(kiss me

down into your memory and
a memory and memory

i)kiss me,(will go)

Though I won't claim to be any kind of versed poetry buff, I must say that my favorite poet (from my limited exposure) is e.e. cummings. I often read his work and wonder what was churning in that brilliant, most likely misunderstood mind of his. The way he throws structure and functionality to the wind is inspiring. He breaks all the rules and creates nothing more that what is true to himself. Though best known for his poetry, he was also an artist...
What strikes me most about e.e. cummings is how much I resonate with his creative spirit. His poetry seems confused, disjointed...yet I find it speaks so much of what is inside myself. I am often struggling with so much at my core that is confused and disjointed, so much feeling that I fear I might reach a moment in which I will explode.

I can't contain it yet I can't let it out either.

I understand why so many great artists were perceived as insane...if any other human being were to venture inside my mind and heart, they might perceive me no differently...not to coin myself a great artist in any way...but I can't escape my artist's heart, insanity and all. I am so complex that I can't even crack my own code, my own melancholic being, the angst of my existence. I was created an immensely creative and deep individual...and as much as I appreciate that about myself, at times I wish I were simpler and more straight-forward, that things didn't reach me at the depth they do, that I didn't have so much passion that it hurt. Can't I live a content existence as a simple person who sets their mind in the joys of the every day? Can't I stay put, plant roots, grow without always having to run and run and run...?

I can't. I am restless. Full of a thousand tears shed for the lust of wanting more. More for my life. More for me.

To do more.

To see more.

To help more.

To experience more.

To love more.

To touch more.

MORE.

I wish I could share with the abyss of the internet the plans that are stirring inside my heart...the ways in which I am planning to become more. Based solely on principal and stubbornness, I have committed to myself to not talk to very many people about my "plans" until they are happening. I want to become who I am meant to become uninhibited by the perceived opinions of those around me. Don't get me wrong, I love the people who speak into my life...but this stems from a place in me that is deeper than almost anyone could reach. I have to do this one on my own. And I'm terrified to be yanked from my comfort zone and thrust into the uncontainable Unknown. It's big and it's new. And I'm blind to its ways...but I think I'm ready for the challenge of tackling it. I shudder to think...but my very soul tingles with anticipation, passion, and immense determination.

To the great Unknown: may you receive me with open arms and an air of adventure and may I return the favor with grace, poise, and dignity.

The Dressing Room Conversion: A Tale of Shopping Gone Awry (Perhaps for the Good of Mankind)

2009-08-17T10:30:00.000+05:30

Bear with me here as I am truly already half asleep yet my mind is a blur with many blog-worthy thoughts...at least thoughts I deem as blog-worthy...and since I am the author of this blog, you will have no choice but to agree...or stop reading...but please just agree and continue.

Announcement of the day:

Unless something unforeseen, unexpected, dramatic, and rather ugly takes place, I will be going to India on a missions trip with Rock Harbor Church for 2 weeks at the end of December.

Thank goodness I don't have to come up with the always dreaded plan for New Years...cheers to ringing in 2010 halfway across the globe! Perhaps I will have a pleasant holiday this time...but that (plus the fact that I usually endure rather drab New Years celebrations) is neither here nor there. Really, neither is the fact that I am going on this trip, I just needed the appropriate segue into the real meat and potatoes...

Considering the trip at hand and other life lessons of late, I have really changed the way in which I spend and look at money. I have always been rather self-indulgent when it comes to spending money and to my deep dismay and shame, I have learned the hard way how to control my spending. I am quite happy to report that I have been doing astonishingly well. I have managed to not only stop buying most things I deem as unnecessary, but I have also saved a little money too.

Then today happened.

I caught wind a couple of weeks ago about a mythical Forever 21 that was the size of a department store. I tried to plug my ears and hum a tune of distraction, but something in me needed to see if said oasis of shopping really existed. After waiting patiently for pay day, my roommate and I jutted off to the mecca of "cheap" shopping and found this place to be very real indeed. I set a budget before walking in the door knowing that I was bound to negotiate myself into spending far greater sums of money than was even close to necessary. Needless to say (as any fan of Forever would know) I was immediately overwhelmed upon walking through the doors. I shopped to my little heart's content telling myself that I could take anything and everything into the dressing room as long as I came out only buying what fit into my strict budget. I loaded up on items liberally and finally made my way to the dreaded 3-way-mirror-chamber-of-despair. While trying on my plethora of treasures, something strange happened. I was suddenly reminded of my new (and still settling) monetary mindset and felt that though many items looked and fit cute, it was easy to talk myself out of buying them. Why spend for the sake of spending? It all became meaningless and extremely empty and my school-girl giddiness faded into a practical outlook about my uber-consumerism and how I didn't want to live that way anymore. I couldn't help but think of India and other places in the world where none of this would even matter...and should I end up in any of these places someday, I would be no better off having purchased any of this stuff here and now.

I own a lot of things. A lot of clothing. I like to feel fashionable, accessorized, confident in the way in which I present myself...none of which are bad things, if kept within a reasonable amount of moderation. But I realized, rarely in my life have I lived in serious and disciplined moderation, not because I have to but because I want to be a good steward of the things I have been blessed with and exercise strength of character.

I hope and pray that someday the Lord will use me to reach those in far off places, overseas, and in countries where giant Forever 21s don't matter. I want to change my outlook, I want to live for the things that are important, but mostly I want to find true joy in the things that really matter, things eternal...not fleeting.

And so, to end this epic tale of shopping woe, I did in fact walk out of the store with a couple items that I have since decided to return in the spirit of just not needing them. I guess my dressing room conversion wasn't completely thorough...but it was a definite step in the right direction. The most encouraging thing about my experience is knowing that what happened was an outward showing of an inward transformation, one that I hope continues to grow and affect positively every aspect of my life.

Thus begins a real journey for me, one that I'm confident will stretch me to the limits of my being, to the ends of the earth, and to the greatest potential of myself.

a finished epic.

2009-08-16T06:05:00.000+05:30

Through the fire I have come
Scorched and burned but still I run.
Ash to beauty, strength endure
Blackest souls be now made pure.
Broken bones and shattered dreams
Light aloft through brilliant beams.
Wings abound from haggard frame,
From earth's departure, freedom came.

No life to see, but death resides
Within the realm of finite eyes.
Shackled to the darkest stone
Cold of iron, hollow tone.
Break apart the chains that bind
Release the demons, light to find.
Blood flows out to cancel pain
From earth's departure, freedom came.

Open wide my eyes to see
The lifeline yet in store for me.
Blind me to the flesh's stare
Brave the trial, unaware.
Encompassing the depth of love,
Cast me forth with gentle shove.
Into the World, no qualm or shame
From earth's departure, freedom came.

Longest life but short as breath
Straining ears are now made deaf.
Silence falls upon my soul
Want for ease now takes its toll.
Lay my weary head to rest
Renewing sleep upon thine breast.
Awaken truth, no longer tame
From earth's departure freedom came.

Arise the sun and make me new
Wash away with morning's dew.
Born of this day, alive and well
Delivered from the grip of hell.
Saved from deepest depths of strife
Restored again to perfect life.
Alight my soul, new song it hums
From earth's departure, freedom comes.

Mun-dae.

2009-08-11T06:07:00.000+05:30

Next time I quit a job, this is how I will do it.

Thought of the day:

It's amazing what we see when we decide to pull our heads out of our asses! (Unrelated to above hilarity.)

A broken hallelujah.

2009-08-05T07:05:00.000+05:30

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Is it sufficient to bring nothing more to the world than a broken hallelujah?

I cringe to think of it any other way, considering too often all I have to give is something broken, almost unrecognizable because it is so dilapidated and disfigured. I have to believe that God knew what he was doing when he created humans in his image knowing full well we would fall from his grace, his perfection, his holiness...being imperfect people restored by the spilled blood of Christ still renders us imperfect in the every day. Therein we find our struggle...how do we as broken, hurting, ugly, dark souls, loose the chains that bind and break free to find our purpose, the reason for our humanness? God could have made us holy beings without sin, without darkness in our hearts...but he allows our broken bits to become prevalent so we can recognize our need for a Savior.

If I wasn't lost, I would need no one to lead me.

I find solace in my darkest moments knowing that the Lord can use the imperfections in me to glorify his perfection. Like a shattered mirror refracts unbroken light, may we each find how we cast the light of Jesus into the world around us...a world full of broken people yearning to know they are useful and alive with a purpose.

I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah...

One Red Balloon.

2009-07-21T00:53:00.000+05:30

Yesterday I flew back from shooting a wedding up north for the weekend. While preparing to land at John Wayne airport, I was looking out the window watching the ground get closer and closer...when I suddenly spotted a red balloon passing by. I was so caught off guard at the sight of a lone balloon floating by my airplane window that I didn't quite believe what I had just seen.

Just then, I knew that life was fragile and often so much like a lonely balloon floating in a vast atmosphere, jumbo jets zooming by with an air of impending danger.

And if I'm as fragile as a little balloon in a sky full of airplanes, then I don't know how I haven't popped yet...but I'm thankful to at least be airborne.

The hardest fall.

2009-07-15T12:17:00.000+05:30

It's getting late and I feel mentally spent but I can't seem to sleep.

I have moments in life in which I feel utterly confident in the woman I am and who I was created to be. I am capable of many things, including taking care of myself. What throws me off my guard is experiencing other moments in which I completely doubt who I am, what I am made of, and where I am headed. I falter. I fret. I fear. I look around me and struggle to contemplate the things I see and those I love. I feel like a small child unsure of herself and unready to deal with life's worst pains. Rejection. Heartache. Loneliness. Aimlessness. It is during these weak and transparent times that my insecurities become so blaringly obvious that I'm sure everyone around me can see them...and I'm unsure whether to run away or stay put and blurt them out in some half-assed attempt to over-compensate.

I fear the way in which I peg myself as fickle, composed of a heart that is easily persuaded, sometimes equally by lies and truth. I look inside myself and see the makings of a solid and confident individual...but then I wonder why I seem to fall short of this obvious potential. What is it I'm looking for, waiting for, needing?

I completed a pretty big art project tonight for a charity event happening this weekend. It looked pretty cool. I took it to my church to drop it off and other members of our participating visual arts team praised my piece highly.

And I found myself incredibly uncomfortable.

This may sound like mere modesty, but to have a heart-on-my-sleeve moment, I am not a modest person. I am used to being good at nearly everything I do and I am used to being praised...and I know I possess above-average artistic skills. Why did I find myself suddenly shrouded in modesty? When I asked myself why this happened I realized that what I was experiencing wasn't modest humility but immense amounts of pride. Not the kind of pride where you can stick your chest out in a gesture of an obvious job-well-done, but the kind of pride that shadows itself in a modest package, leading the owner to believe it's a justifiable action. But what I realized is just how much my insecurities come from a place of pity, a place of self-centeredness, a place of ultimate pride. I could look at my art piece and recognize the beauty and success in it yet something in me felt the need to be approved through it on more than a surface level. I needed to be seen, more than for just my art, I needed to be understood at my core. One of my biggest fears is that no one will truly see me in this life, that I will be misunderstood, taken for granted, written off as less than I am. Therein lies my ugly pride. This isn't translating from my brain to my fingers very well at the moment...I don't think I'm making sense, it's difficult to articulate what I mean...and I'm rarely at a loss for words.

What I am ultimately seeking is definition in life. I am told over and over and in many ways that I should find my definition in the Lord...and I do to an extent but there is so much more to the tangible me that needs to be defined based on things I can see, touch, experience in a day to day setting...more than just in a spiritual sense. Maybe I am wrong for thinking that and I am attempting to be OF the world rather than IN it...but in this moment I can't help but convey my very real struggle. I am often times too transparent...and don't guard my heart well.

I think it's incredibly difficult for me to be working a job that I won't allow to define me because I dislike it so much and find that is goes so sharply against the grain of my being. I once read a very insightful book geared towards women that pointed out just how much we were created to be defined by the things and people we surround ourselves with. I guess this is to say we do this much more than men (to make a vast generalization). I know there is a relevant point somewhere in there but it's lost on me tonight. I guess I just mean to justify that it's ok to want to define myself in these ways...if it's written in a book it must be legitimate...right? Hint of sarcasm..?

I have reached the end of my ability to process for the time being...and as is probably obvious, I don't come to that point easily.

Forgive this random aside...
but thanks to an amazing Google program I am able to see the rough location of the visitors who hit my blog...and I received 8 hits from the same city in Brazil yesterday...and that's not to downplay the hits I got from Israel, Saudi Arabia, Belgium, Taiwan, and Serbia! How are these people finding my blog? It's kind of amazing...if you found me in some random way, comment on a post, I would love to know who you are.

It's a really strange feeling knowing that my personal musings are circling the globe...I wonder if there is something bigger to be had from this little old blog of mine.

Perhaps someday I will have an amazing story to tell becuase of it.

"i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)"

2009-07-14T09:39:00.000+05:30

Thank you, ee cummings.

I have felt especially nostalgic this past weekend. Nostalgic for friends that have come and gone, friends that are still in my heart though not in my presence. While searching through old pictures on an external hard drive a couple days ago, I came across this gem of a video that I made a long time ago, watched it, and found myself tearing up as my heart welled with so much love for the pictured individuals. Friends truly are an extension of your family and I, for one, am thrilled that my family keeps growing...though nothing will ever replace these lovlies in my heart. Cheers to some of the best days of my life thus far...albeit intermingled with some of the hardest...thanks for being my extended family. Wherever you are in this moment (Africa, Colorado, California, Arizona, Oregon) I want you to know what you mean to me. Infinite x's and o's!

And for my dear friend who is currently deeply hurting (you know who you are), I offer a special dedication to you. You are loved. You are valuable. And I am so glad I know you.

I'm awfully cheesey when I want to be, but in some cases it's worth it.

Apprécier...

Life in Technicolor

2009-07-10T23:27:00.000+05:30

How is it that this week has felt more like a month yet I already find myself happily perched on the edge of my weekend? Strange. I guess each day this week has held a different challenge of sorts, but I can look back and see just how blessed I have been through each one. I suppose it's safe to say I have covered a lot of ground in a short amount of time.

I also started a diet this week...and now all I think about is freaking food. Food. All the time. FOOD. Every waking moment I am thinking about what I am going to eat next, what I WISH I could be eating, how badly I want results. I am a girl obsessed...and I'm not sure I like it. Is there truth in being fat and happy? I guess until you die of a heart attack...

Not that I'm fat. I could hear your thoughts..."she is so NOT fat!" I personally get extremely annoyed when non-fat people call themselves fat in that woe-is-me tone of voice that makes you want to hit them. My motivation for watching what I eat is a healthy one, I am looking to lose some fat and gain some muscle, not lose a bunch of weight because I'm overweight. Kapeesh?

Anyway, coupled with my dieting, I have (potentially regretfully) embarked on a really gnarly workout program...the always-dreaded P90x. I am still sore from my workout 3 days ago. I am looking forward to doing the yoga workout tonight, something I know I can at least get through (I hope).

In other news, I am FINALLY embarking on a longtime coming adventure to New York City in September. Somehow, by the grace of God, I managed to get 6 days off of work to spend an amazing ten days in a place I have wanted to visit forever. To make matters so much better, I am getting to spend time in Boston with some friends of mine that I love. Oh, I nearly forgot the cherry on top of this hugely fattening, scrumptious, and delectable sundae...I'm seeing U2 and Snow Patrol in concert while I'm in Boston!!! Jealous yet?! That makes for 2 things I get to check off the list of things to do before I die...

I think I'm hungry...or is it that I am just thinking obscene thoughts about food...mmmm cake.

God bless the daylight, the sugary smell of springtime...

2009-07-06T23:55:00.000+05:30

What a weekend. I quite enjoyed celebrating our country's independence. With my visiting big sister in tow, we romped all over Newport Beach enjoying the sunshine, the crowds, and the timeless nostalgia of our 70's inspired red, white, and blue outfits, complete with tube socks, Chucks, and body glitter. It was good to bask in the carefree summer-ness of the long weekend before embarking back to real life and the mundane humdrum of the day to day. Last night I was privileged enough to skip all the way to Hollywood to see Death Cab at the Hollywood Bowl with my lovely and dear friend. It was truly an epic show complete with special guests...let's just say backing an already amazing band with the LA Philharmonic was a brilliant choice. Throw in some synchronized fireworks with the blazing glory of the Hollywood sign in the background, and you have the makings for one memorable performance. Thanks, DCFC. I'm now an even bigger fan...if that's possible.

Today holds a bit of a waiting game for me as I nervously anticipate news that could be potentially life-changing, troubling, and terrifying. It's in this moment that I am reminded how deeply freeing it is to be surrendered to a God who is bigger than my biggest fears...and trust me, my fears can be HUGE. I look ahead and I see a lot of hope, a lot of life, and a lot of joy being prepared for me and I thank God in advance for His strength to find all these things in the midst of trials. I'm prepared to walk into the storm armed and ready to face whatever comes my way knowing that I live an intentional existence backed by the ultimate source of love and guidance.

3:30pm, hurry up and get here.

I think I'm ready.

Thinking of what Sarah said.

2009-06-30T03:16:00.000+05:30

Current soundtrack: Death Cab for Cutie - Marching Bands of Manhattan

Things on my mind today:

Vintage buttons, general craftiness and creativity.

India.

Photographing India.

I suppose I always have tons on my mind, too much, probably. However, I seem to have even more on my mind after emerging from an intense week that gave way to a somewhat less, albeit still intense, weekend.

Things feel so raw.

So real.

SO good.

I can't wait for what's coming...I have already begun to see hints of telling rays on the horizon...

now I await one of the most brilliant sunrises of my life.

In the meantime, I am reminded to embrace the current moment and all it has to offer. I love that waiting on the Lord is never boring, never short of magnificent moments to ponder, to feel, to experience. What a full life we live in Christ.

I even feel happier to be at work today...perhaps it's due to the fact we just got some new lamps for behind my desk...it feels warmer, homier; it brings a new understanding to the term "mood lighting."

I guess I have nothing profound or insightful to say, no witty story or clever anecdote, just a small expression of myself and why I am thankful for the things I have...and those I don't.

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." -Job 1:21

Sing without refrain

2009-06-27T03:26:00.000+05:30

Current soundtrack: Elbow - Newborn

It is an absolutely beautiful day outside. A day on which I am thankful to be alive.

I have had a pretty horrendous week but it is approaching its end and I feel my body letting off a deep and physical sigh of relief.

Strangely enough, the day I posted my last entry, I got about 3 times more hits on my blog than I normally receive in a given day. I honestly have no idea why but when I saw that I felt somewhat ashamed that I had spewed so much bitterness and more people than normal saw it. I'm not embarrassed that I have moments of weakness or feel that way at times, I just saw a missed opportunity to spread light, love, and encouragement in a moment of personal darkness.

I don't claim to be even close to perfect and I also don't apologize for being honest, raw, and open about the things in my mind and heart. I do, however, want to strive to always affect others with life rather than death...light rather than darkness.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. -Philippians 4:8

When the world doesn't make sense.

2009-06-24T01:37:00.000+05:30

When the world doesn't make sense,

I want to scream.

Cry.

Raise my hands in desperation.

Throw a fit worthy of a 2 year old and call it quits.

Question why.

Blame others.

Hurl anger at a God I don't always understand.

Why is our response to losing control...to lose control? Isn't that what we are reacting to in the first place? Yet it feels good to give in to a sense of impulsive, reckless emotion. There are moments in which I want nothing more than to reach a complete and utter disconnect of mind, body, and heart. Let me writhe in the pain of the suffering, let me burn to my depths with self-pity, anger, angst...the pleasure in the darkest places. I know I can't stay there. I know I should be frightened of giving in...but my sin takes hold and at times shackles me to the very pursuits that cause me the greatest anguish.

Sometimes it gets tiring to live above reproach, to do the right things, to listen well, and obey completely. Sometimes I hate it. On a cognitive level I can verbalize a comprehension of why I don't just do whatever the hell I want...but on a heart level, I often grasp at the thin atmosphere of understanding.

I look around me and see people I love dearly suffering through hardships and losing things that truly matter to them. Friends losing best friends, family members losing jobs, young people losing health, mothers losing sons, people in need getting everything taken from them when they seem to need it most...

And I wonder. When does it all begin to make sense? Why does God operate so much beyond the realm of the world he created us to reside in? Why does he always wish to keep us suffering in the dark? I hate to sound...cynical, typical, small-minded, weak-spirited...but I can't escape the questions that I have always allowed to fade under the all-encompassing blanket of "faith."

If I sound bitter, perhaps I am today. Perhaps for once I am sick of trying to maintain what's "right" while feeling so limited, small, weak. I want the power of God in my life, I want to be used for his purposes...but I am here, waiting, in a season of fog and trials.

Haven't I always been here?

Is my skewed perspective to blame? Are the dark and sinful places of my heart overshadowing the seeds of hope desperately reaching for the sun-filled promises of life?

Why am I wilting when I am trying desperately to grow?

Why am I destroying when I am trying desperately to create?

Why am I dying when I am trying desperately to live?

No life to see, but death resides
Within the realm of finite eyes.
Shackled to the darkest stone
Cold of iron, hollow tone.
Break apart the chains that bind
Release the demons, light to find.
Blood flows out to cancel pain
From earth's departure, freedom came.

Swing Wide the Door.

2009-06-16T04:17:00.000+05:30

Current soundtrack: Rilo Kiley - Portions for Foxes

I had a good weekend.

Which makes it that much more lame that it's Monday and I'm back at work again.

I should be preparing invoices rather than blogging...but, hey, why not blog a little...or a lot?

I heard a really good sermon yesterday morning. It was about drawing really interesting comparisons of stories from the Old Testament with the New Testament account of Jesus. It was a fairly simple concept but it was a powerful reminder of how intentional God's story is. I liked it. The guy speaking opened with a story of how he was about to embark on a missions trip with a whole slew of high schoolers to South Africa. He gave a few examples of the suffering of the people there and one in particular struck me. He mentioned a 6 month old baby girl that had already been raped 6 times in her short and innocent life.

Besides the sheer horror I felt at the thought of that, hearing it was like a ton of bricks being dropped on my head.

I so easily get caught up in my life and ask myself nearly every day, "who am I and what is my purpose?" I have spent much of the past month or more trying to plan my life and the silly logistics of it, placing a ton of emphasis, thought, heart, and emotion into things that ultimately are not my purpose.

That tiny, helpless, and completely abused 6 month old...she is my purpose.

Now maybe I'm not meant to make a b-line for South Africa and seek out that specific child, but I suddenly felt the light bulb of realization illuminate the darkest corners of my life. I am a servant of God, a servant of love, and without question my purpose is to serve those who are in need. The fact that I get so stuck on myself really bums me out...where am I going to live, who am I going to date, how can I make more money, how can I be happier? Why spend a second more focusing on the things that I was not created to fulfill or be fulfilled by? Sure, I am full of questions, a need for direction, overwhelming loneliness at times, but what is more important than living out my purpose for being alive? Why do I breathe, why do I have my health, why do I have a heart so full of love it might explode out of my chest?!

Because I was created with a purpose. And I have figured out what that purpose is.

In the meantime, I have decided not to move to Colorado (sorry to those of you only finding out about this via my blog...I wish I had time to call you all and tell you every detail), I feel I am supposed to be here right now. Colorado would have been an escape for me...at a time when I need to face the storm of my life head on.

I am thrilled (and seriously blessed) to report that since I have decided to "bloom" where I'm planted, so to speak, that I have made an amazing connection with a church here and have met more people in the past 2 weekends than I have in the past 2 years! It's amazing how the blessings start to flow when we seek God's best for our lives and quit sheepishly shying away from being obedient.

I am also about to embark on another journey in life that will be incredibly difficult and full of trials, but I feel blessed in my decision to do so. I would like to remain discreet about this situation for the time being...it is sensitive and brings up a whole lot of raw emotion in me. I hope to get to a place in which I can share it with you in hopes of encouraging someone out there who may be in the same boat, but, until then, know that I am feeling the Lord's presence in my life, despite my many mistakes and failures.

Sometimes we expend so much energy, emotion, and time searching intensely for the right thing, when in reality it was right in front of us the entire time.

Open wide my eyes to see
The beauty that's in store for me.
Blind me to the flesh's stare
Endure the trial, unaware.
Encompassing the depth of love,
Cast me forth with gentle shove.
Into the World, no qualm or shame,
From earth's departure, freedom came.

Truth.

2009-06-11T03:42:00.001+05:30

Some days turn out to be unimaginably hard.

Today is one of those days.

"On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand..."

The death of intimacy.

2009-06-09T23:56:00.000+05:30

I am at a time in my life in which I am soaking up information like a sponge. Since graduating college I have refined so much about who I am and the things I value and care about, which has led me to be more observant and aware of my surroundings in a different way than I used to be. Sometimes it is beyond exhausting to be so interested in figuring everything out...sometimes I wish my brain didn't work so hard, that I wasn't so analytical, that I didn't care so much. It really takes a lot out of me.

I read something today that I found deeply disheartening. But it also made a lot of sense.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=105008712

This story from NPR talks about the cultural shift that's taken place within our generation over the last couple of decades regarding casual hook-ups and sex. Besides the fact that I feel casual hook-ups are destructive, what saddens me greatly about the idea of casual sex without relationship, has everything to do with a growing lack of intimacy among young people. I realize I value closeness and intimacy a whole lot, perhaps more than the average mid-twenty-something woman. I truly feel that intimacy on varying levels is the lifeblood of relationships, the lifeblood of so much of my well-being. When it comes to romantic intimacy, it's no big secret that I am a hopeless romantic, often leading me to become impassioned about someone too quickly. I am vocal about and aware of my weaknesses because I know myself well and desire to strengthen the parts of me that don't come out naturally well-adjusted and smoothly functioning. I feel strongly about this issue because I see it getting abused all the time...and I don't believe people are as ok with it as they pretend to be. I am going to make some statements about women that may sound blanket-like but I mean them in the best way possible while still considering there are women who will not fit into what I am saying. Please don't berate me for sounding stereotypical, sexist, or narrow; in reality I am a woman and only know the position in which I come from and therefore from where I see the rest of the world around me.

Women often define themselves by the quality of their relationships. Though men may sometimes do the same, it is vastly different for a woman. Women often recognize relationships as the most important factor in their lives and will feel great when their relationships are going great and crappy when they perceive their relationships as lacking or failing. This is the point at which I feel that casual sex and hook-ups are really damaging for women. Once a woman embarks on several casual encounters with men, I believe it truly begins to affect the way in which she feels about herself and the world around her. We already are bombarded into believing our worth comes from our sexual output, our looks, our ability to get men to desire us...when in reality our self-esteem is shrinking exponentially to dangerously low levels. What can be done about this spreading disease? I realize that my opinion differs being that I am a Christian woman who attempts to live my life with different values than the world...though I often struggle with that and subsequently fail...all the time. What I know is that women are using the vehicle of casual sexual encounters to find the most fleeting moments of satisfaction in that they feel desired, if only for a short time. Naturally, as we all know well, that satisfaction doesn't stick and yet another fix will be soon to follow. Why we as women start to count on men for approval and worth is mind blowing to me yet I also understand the draw. That is nothing new and nothing profound. We know ourselves to be beings of discontent, constantly looking for the next finite experience to give us false hopes of a solid self-worth.

Today probably isn't the best day for me to be writing about these things...or, come to think of it, maybe it IS the best day. I am working hard to overcome a bit of a bleak outlook on life in this moment...we are born, we grow up, we get into debt, we work jobs we don't like, we struggle with our self-worth, our relationships, we try and maintain hope in whatever we can get our hands on, we suffer, we have moments of joy...and we die. I know that is the pessimist's worst perception...but sometimes maybe it's good to be reminded just how hard we have to work for the goodness in life...and that it's worth it to work that hard.

I can't seem to shake this whole Air France plane crash that's all over the news. I read another article about it this morning explaining about the different pieces of the plane they have found and what might have caused things to go awry. 228 people dead. Just like that. They have only recovered 28 bodies. I know it's grim and morbid but it makes me want to scream and cry and ask, WHY?! Innocent people. They had no idea their lives were about to end. I can't stand the fragility of life yet I know within that fragility is the only place we can come to understand God and why we need him.

And I need him. A lot.

Days like today, in which I feel myself unraveling at the seams, remind me just how wonderfully out of control of my life I am. And how I need to let go of things even more than I already have. I feel infantile in my grasping for understanding; I am feeble, weak, and small when I think of my Lord and all the power he holds in just one finger. Ugh. It's overwhelming. Yet so often we live the most underwhelming of existences.

I want more. I need more. Yet part of me feels glued to the floor.

I'm sorry I'm a little bit crazy, a little bit all over the place, a little bit emotional. I just desperately want to live my life, live it well, love the Lord, and share that love with others. Yet I am merely human, merely imperfect, merely trying to find my way just like everyone else.

And I realize out of the ashes of the death of earthly intimacy must rise divine intimacy...or we will never make it.

More of You and less of me.

Ok, God. I'm ready. Here I am. Take me.

"And in the end, we'll lie awake and we'll dream of making our escape..."

2009-06-04T03:48:00.000+05:30

I can't seem to think straight today. Blame it on the lack of sleep. 3 hours and counting. Sometimes I wonder how my little head contains so much information without exploding. Today has been busy which merely means I am even more tired than I would otherwise be. Before I squeeze in all my daily invoicing, I need to take a mental break from work for a bit.

There has been some planning going on inside my head for quite a while now. I have spoken several times about potentially moving to Colorado only to have it be postponed every time, so this time I have been attempting to make plans without telling many people...I was tired of being the girl who always said she would do something but never did it. I have been considering this move for the better part of 18 months. Having just returned from a trip out there a little over a week ago, everything is completely fresh in my mind and I came back to California with a renewed passion to try and make Colorado become a reality. However, as life loves to remind us, "the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry..."

I have decided to be public with my decision making because I feel like maybe I need an outside perspective. I am having a difficult time making an unemotional decision and feel more stuck than ever.

While I was in Colorado I felt so much potential for a happy life there...even though most of what I experienced was someone else's happy life as I tagged along on a mini vacation. What I do know about CO is that it's beautiful, cheaper to live, and filled with really awesome people...but the job opportunities out there pay significantly less than they do here. Things sort of seem to strike a balance considering the cost of living...so perhaps that is a moot point. I guess the bleak reality (for lack of a better descriptor) is that I don't have much to hold onto in either place right now, I'm just getting eager for a change, period. One thing that I do know is that I need to leave my current job as soon as is humanly possible. I have started to job search in Colorado...AND locally. Maybe sometimes the best thing to do is energize something in every direction and see what pans out.

Truthfully, though, there are things here I would really miss...and I go back and forth on whether or not I would be able to give them up.

Maybe I am just waiting for that one deciding factor.

But what is it?

Grr.

I have definitely been learning that places you live are truly defined by your immediate community rather than the immediate amenities of the location itself...so what I am really craving is solid community...of which I have none in either place, here or CO...though I have more here. The last couple of years have proved to offer a difficult transition for me as I watched my solid community up in LA dissipate as people graduated college and moved one by one. Before I knew it I was left with only a couple of friends around me...and a gaping hole on the inside. Moving to Newport has been great for the immediate amenities of the location...but has been a bit slow on the growing of the community side of things...though I can't discount recently making a few new friends who are really great. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough? Maybe I am sabotaging my own satisfaction and contentment by not putting myself out there enough.

Maybe the truth is that I could really be happy anywhere I am if only I work at it and quit focusing on the things I don't have.

I am fearful. I hate to admit it...though most people experience fear a lot of the time. I refuse to live in bondage to it but I am also trying to figure out the best way to step forward. I feel like I want a change of scenery but what's crazy is that I have only been here for 4 months and I already am mentally moving on! That scares me into realizing that maybe if I moved to Colorado the old familiar discontent would creep in and I would find myself just as unsettled as I feel here. It's not the place...it's me.

As I hammer all this out I wonder if maybe I truly need to stay put and let God really change my heart to find the joy and blessings in my current situation. Ack! What do I do? I don't want to spend my life constantly roaming around looking for the perfect situation because I'm pretty sure I will never find it.

And what I want more than anything is to travel the world...so maybe it doesn't so much matter where I live for the time being. I need to focus on paying off debt and saving money if I ever want to see that dream realized.

Colorado is wonderful, beautiful, and seems fresh and new...but I'm seeing that it will still be the same me who moves there.

What's most frustrating is that I have spent a lot of time praying and trying to seek guidance in the best way I know how...and I'm still coming up with a giant question mark.

Or did I just literally answer my own question while writing this...

Ugh.

Kaboom.

2009-06-03T14:35:00.000+05:30

It is currently 2:05am.

I have insane insomnia.

But thank the Lord....

because there is a HUGE freak thunder storm right now.

I just saw not one, but TWO transformers explode in a fury of blue light. And now it is pouring rain.

Amazing.

I am so sorry you are all asleep...and subsequently missing out on something so rare around here.

Forget about trying to sleep now...I am extremely wide awake.

Yay!

From earth's departure, freedom came.

2009-06-02T21:31:00.001+05:30

Current soundtrack: Death Cab - Narrow Stairs

I woke up this morning already running late. I got to work on time (barely) and decided that I didn't have the brain power to start working immediately, so, per my usual morning ritual, I read the news online. There was an article about how they found some of the debris from the plane that disappeared en route from Brazil to France yesterday. Reading about it gave me the weirdest feeling...and once again I was reminded just how feeble life is. I don't like thinking about death but at the same time I think it's a good way to get myself motivated. Is that weird to let death motivate me? Maybe, but I'm not sure how else to understand life in the sense of the bigger picture, how else to appreciate the value of a single moment. And I find myself unhappily sitting here at work wanting to cry because I'm HERE and not somewhere else being more productive or making more of an impact. I feel like I need to refocus and remember that God calls us to be diligent in every situation, especially the crappy ones.

Sorry for the morbid undertones, I think I am just a little left of center this morning and grasping extra hard for the answers to my life's question marks.

In this moment I am loathing the fact that all I blog about is my horrible job. Maybe I need a serious attitude adjustment...I know that I can't just blame external sources for my internal turmoil; I may be a very strong-willed and stubborn woman but I have definitely learned to at least accept responsibility for my own actions and responses.

I think I just need a change of perspective. A long bike ride in the sunshine. A chocolate and rainbow sprinkle-covered frozen banana. A good laugh. A really really good hug. A day to pray and meditate on how glorious it is to actually be alive. An extended vacation abroad with me, myself, and I.

Feel free to embark on this spectacular photographic journey to all the places I want to visit, in roughly the order I want to visit them in. And please, bear with me, I desperately need an escape today.

Machu Picchu, Peru

Rio de Janero, Brazil

Somewhere Wonderful, Chile

Mt. Fuji, Japan

New Zealand. I want to romp in these hills. And pet some sheep.

Ireland

The Swiss Alps. I would like to don some laderhozen and yodel in these mountains.

Iceland (didn't know it was so awesome, did ya?!)

Halong Bay, Vietnam...some of the world's best climbing is found here.

Thailand. Not the most scenic picture but one that I really like for some reason.

For Cory. Paris...via the lens of my own camera.

There are so many other places I would like to go, it would take me hours to wrangle up all those images. It seems like a terrible tease that the world was created to be so wonderful, beautiful, expansive, and fascinating yet very few people have the means to enjoy it. The irony of all ironies. I guess I should try and work now. I actually do feel a bit better...

On the weekends...

2009-05-31T07:58:00.000+05:30

I added a playlist to my blog...I hope it's not too annoying...

considering life is always better with a soundtrack.

I hate my Jay-Oh-Bee.

2009-05-30T02:15:00.000+05:30

Current soundtrack: Counting Crows - August and Everything After

Random thought of the day: How freaking good are the Counting Crows?

"But we're never gonna survive, unless we get a little crazy... In a world full of people, only some want to fly, isn't that crazy?"

Thank you, Seal, for your words of inspiration. Sarcasm aside, I believe Mr. Seal makes a poignant remark in his song Crazy. I have always been a bit on the reckless side myself, at least in my head and heart. What's a life if it's not to be lived and lived to the full? Do people really find themselves content just monotonously going through the motions day in and day out? Perhaps. I am not one to judge the hearts and happiness of others, however, I am a strong believer that many people would probably feel an immense amount of freedom if only they stopped living as a slave to their fears and instead worked hard to conquer them and live a little bit on the edge. What really gets me is that I feel not only that I tend toward living a little crazy but I also feel I was created to live that way. Such a deep part of me feels wild and unbridled passion to get out of my comfort zone and be touched by the world that I can't deny it is at the very core of my existence, a place I feel only myself and God can reach.

I should clarify what I mean when I talk about getting a little crazy...considering I wouldn't want people to think that I am encouraging hooligan acts of vandalism or general lawlessness...what I am referring to is more a matter of the heart and truly living out what's on the inside without fear or insecurity. Sure it's difficult to overcome such obstacles of the self, but it is not impossible...and deciding to try is half the battle.

I suppose this is more of a pep talk for myself...seeing as I am currently stuck in a job that is sucking the soul out of my body through every orifice at once...to put it mildly. Have you ever worked in a soul-murdering job? You know, the kind of job that doesn't appreciate any part of who you are beyond your ability to breathe or show average dexterous ability in all ten digits? The kind of job that goes against your very moral compass, the fiber of your being, your literal gut instincts? Sigh.

I am resolved to make my life better, not sit around and bitch about it all day. So, I will show up to work with a genuine smile on my face, do my job well and with a good attitude, then go home every night and job search for a position that will offer me life rather than imminent death!

Here is one good thing to remember when feeling really crappy about said death-job...the grass is always greener...and there is always someone else who's job sucks more than yours.

Case in point...

Never underestimate the power of a good laughing attack...it can do wonders for the down trodden soul. In the meantime, I need a nap.

Septacycle. Say WHAT?!

2009-05-20T03:22:00.000+05:30

Quite possibly THE coolest invention on the planet.

Seriously.

I dare you to move.

2009-05-15T23:20:00.000+05:30

I'm so pumped.

I met a really cool girl last night that was part of the Invisible Children Rescue event that happened a couple weeks ago and we ended up talking at length about her adventures. I was completely sucked in and immediately wanted to find out how I could get more involved. Since my heart's desire is to work in a human traffiking non-profit, I am eager to eat up as much experience as possible within that realm.

I have decided that sometimes in life it's ok to live a bit recklessly. I generally play it safe even when my heart is screaming to live with tons of passion-driven zeal for the things I believe in. I knew I would unleash myself at some point, I just didn't know how it would manifest itself. I think I have found the perfect outlet.

Towards the end of June there is a political rally in Washington DC with Invisible Children. They are taking their cause to Capitol Hill in order to make their voices heard by the very people who can do things to solve the problem of this ugly and despicable war happening in Uganda as we speak. I want to be an active part of history, a player in the intense battle for freedom around the world. I have decided to embark on an adventure to Washington DC...alone. It doesn't matter whether or not I know anyone going, the point will be to unite with a group of like-minded individuals fighting side by side for the same cause. I'm sure I will meet some amazing people along the way...but until then I am planning on hopping a plane with merely a backpack and sleeping bag in tow and getting lost in the hustle and bustle of our nation's capitol...just me, a camera, and a loose game plan. I am beyond excited.

It's time I take responsibility for the passion I have in my heart and stop making excuses by letting life get in the way. There will always be other obligations, jobs, money issues, blah blah blah...it's never ending...so what am I waiting for? Now is the time in my life when I am most mobile; I am single, young, healthy, and ready for some adventure in my conquest to make my mark on our incredible planet within the span of my short life. So, here it goes.

Find out more about the Invisible Children event: How It Ends.

Feel inclined to join in the fight? Talk to me. Talk to someone. Visit the Invisible Children website. On Facebook? Find out more here.

Broken Zipper Blues

2009-05-13T23:06:00.000+05:30

Current soundtrack: Bloc Party - Blue Light, via Pandora Radio

As much as I might like to pretend that I am above trendy and faddish movements within the social world, I am quite the opposite; I eat that stuff up...well, kind of. Being that I am artistic and love self expression as much as the next Andy Warhol-tote carrying hipster (joke), I find myself getting really caught up in social networking sites. I was a huge MySpace buff back in the hay day of the early 21st century and now find myself a frequent user of the all-hailed Facebook. I do love it and I do see the fun/function in it as well. However, I must say that this new movement of Twittering-status-updating madness is simply just not my style. Should I care that you are about to change your pants, butter your toast, or sew a button back on your favorite coat? Nay. And I don't.

Please, can someone explain the Twitter phenomenon to me? I have never used it, don't understand it, and don't care to. Now, as much as I love self disclosure to a certain depth between intimate friends, this is just far too much information. TMI, people, TMI. See, I'm hip to the three letter phrases that seem to offer a truncation for EVERYTHING. LOL, OMG, NVM, LMAO (oops how did that 4th letter sneak in there?)...this is something else I just cannot get behind. We sure have become lazy.

What exactly does "Twitter" come from anyway? Is it supposed to conjure up visions of a bevy of obnoxiously loud squawking birds? I suppose that is very fitting in a way. Really...?

OMG, you have to read this article, I'm so glad someone else shares my sentiments on the matter...

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=104033836&ps=cprs

Ok, moving on.

This morning at work my zipper broke. Yes, the zipper on my nice Express dress slacks that I have only owned for a couple of months. Let's just say it's a good thing I sit most of the day. I called Express straight away and got verbal confirmation that I can exchange them without a receipt. The girl on the other end didn't sound the least bit surprised that the zipper busted so soon into owning a pair of pants that I take impeccable care of...they have never even seen the inside of a dryer. Since when did $75 start buying cheaply made crap? Yeah, I guess I should have just gone to Target from the start...

The word of the day (thanks to Stephanie and Dane Cook): Snarky.
Use it.

Her Morning Elegance.

2009-05-05T11:06:00.000+05:30

I cannot get enough of this video...it's wonderful, genius, innovative, and insanely executed.

I wish I were this creative.

Great song too...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_HXUhShhmY

I will follow you into the dark.

2009-04-26T00:22:00.000+05:30

I have approached my blog several times in the past couple of weeks fully intending to post something, yet I haven't been able to accomplish that...and the reason why is not simple. I am in a constant state of flux in my life, things are relentlessly changing, growing, and reshaping themselves and I have yet to be able to find any semblance of how they might turn out. It is exciting while equally terrifying, a paradox that often lends itself to confusion and conflicting emotions. It's hard to be in a place where the unknown wakes me up every morning and tucks me in every night. I would be lying if I said it wasn't nearly impossible at least several moments of each day...at least of late. It's hard to put into words everything that is swimming around in my head.

One thing that has formed and is beginning to show me a way to run (at least for the very near future) is my passion for photography. Yes, I have been a "photographer" for a while, yes, I have a degree in photography...but after I finished school at the end of last year, I felt myself reach a level of burn out I had never before experienced. Graduating was one of the most anti-climactic events of my life thus far and, conversely, one of the biggest emotional releases I have ever felt...though it was gradual and I didn't realize I had experienced it until 3 months later. Before 6 days ago, I hadn't looked at, touched, used, or even SEEN my camera equipment since school. I put everything in the back of my closet, I needed it out of my life, if only for a time. I needed to know that photography was still my passion, my lifeblood, and the only way I would find that out is if I let myself get away mentally and emotionally from the trials of college and re-find myself as a young, budding, vibrant photographer. I was sure all hope was lost and that perhaps I would never pursue what I spent countless hours perfecting in college ( I even encountered thoughts of wanting to sell my camera)...then, last weekend, I was called on to shoot an incredibly simple and low-key event...and suddenly there I was, feeling like I had regained a lost appendage. Camera in hand, I felt confident, I felt myself. And thus begins my true journey of passion into photography, one that doesn't have my education as the driving force behind it. I am shooting another event tonight...and I'm hoping to book another couple events this summer that are in the works. After rotting away for a couple of months in a corporate job, I am ready to be who I was created to be. Living out passions and dreams is a difficult undertaking and often takes a lot of courage...and leaves behind a lot of carnage. But here I am, ready and finally moving forward in some way...even if it is into the dark.

And now, for the real task at hand: waiting for what's next.

In the meantime, I am going to relax poolside for a while, shed the residual of last night's events (happy 21st birthday, Auds), and let myself bask in the beauty found in living within the great unknown...at least until the next impossible moments remind that life is hard.

Requiem.

2009-04-12T11:18:00.000+05:30

What a strange and beautiful life I lead.

It is amazing and wonderful the way that life becomes a series of varied relational connections, all strung together as fragile yet as bright as a string of Chinese lanterns. Thank you to those "lanterns" in my life. Today alone I was reminded through several important people, whom I love dearly, that I am valuable, worthwhile, beautiful, complex, and grounded. Love from others truly does give you wings when you most need them.

I am chomping at the bit to see what will happen for me this year...several doors seem to be opening in the way of making some big plans, but I don't want to jump the gun on anything either. I am planning to stay alert yet intentional in the way I move forward.

But I also feel on the verge of embarking upon a great adventure...stay tuned, the story is just beginning.

And Happy Easter.

He is risen. He is risen, indeed.

'nough said.

2009-04-03T02:50:00.000+05:30

For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

1 Corinthians 1:25

The triumphs and the tragedies.

2009-04-02T11:24:00.000+05:30

I have basically had a horrible day. Ok, let's not boo and hiss over it too much, it happens to every one now and again and I'm irked at the thought of being recognized as over-dramatic, though I am. This is the latest I have stayed up in more than a week. My head is saturated with thoughts and dreams, terrors and fears...real and imagined. I have a lot coming up for me this year, some of which I am aware of and some I only feel as a deep gut intuition. I have always had extremely spot-on intuitions about things...sometimes even verging on premonitions. I don't claim the psychic card whatsoever, but I have found that I have a keen sense of the world around me...at least when I want to. Other times I am blaringly dense and oblivious. I think something inside me makes that choice at times, mainly so I don't have to face being so damn aware of (and therefore responsible for) things. Who can say if ignorance is really bliss, but it sure is easier a lot of the time.

There are some things in life that you cannot hide from or fake ignorance to, at least for very long. I am facing some of those things now. I am one of the most stubborn people you will meet and it is on this fact that I can bet my life that I won't go down without a fight...which probably means I won't go down at all, in the sense of letting these "things" get the better of me. Yes, life is hard and blah di blah so on and so forth. What really gets me is when I get so caught up in trying to live WELL that I forget to live at all.

I am reading this really dark and depressing novel right now. I am rather enjoying angsting out someone else's story instead of my own. I have been to the darkest depths of myself before and I have no desire to return to that void in all it's relentless unforgiveness and insecurity. Ick.

It just occurred to me that blogs are a rather self-centered creation. Sure, I suppose some people use them to the good of mankind or merely in a utilitarian way, but for most others it is a way to be heard...even if no one is listening. Who the heck would be able to say that they blog solely for their own good? Yes it's cathartic and can be therapeutic but it absolutely would not have the same effect if we knew no one would ever read it. That's why we have journals, diaries, memos, whatever you want to call them.

And here I sit, formulating my somewhat good intentioned cry to my little universe, hoping someone will validate me by way of a proverbial pat on the back. And for what?

The triumphs and the tragedies.

Boy am I tired and cranky.

Sorry to spew, I'm just tired as ever and need a vacation away from today. That is why I LOVE sleep.

Carpe Diem.

2009-03-31T02:38:00.000+05:30

I am excited about some things on the horizon in my life.

I am not quite ready to spill the beans just yet, but know that you will know when I feel ready to discuss all the awesome details.

I am home sick from work today. That turned out to be a real blessing...I have been able to get a lot of things done from the comfort of my bed with only my laptop and cell phone. I have paid all my bills, done my taxes, and worked out a little glitch in the posting of my bachelors degree.

I also cut up all my credit cards.

That's right. I have decided to completely take charge of every aspect of my life that I haven't really been paying much attention to. Yes, the economy sucks and I have money issues (who doesn't?) but I refuse to continue to fall prey to the evils that are credit card companies. I need to control my spending even better than I do now...and trust me, I have come a long way in the last year. The only way to really stop using on credit is to ditch the cards. So I did.

Yes, I am scared. Yes, I wonder how certain things will get paid for when I am stretched to the max and my paycheck has covered my rent and bills, leaving me with little else to pay for gas and food...but, come on, I believe wholeheartedly in the God of the Universe and I don't think I will end up on the street in the gutter any time soon.

Here's where faith truly becomes action.

Wish me luck.

Ode to the questionnaire

2009-03-27T21:56:00.000+05:30

Have you ever felt annoyed at the sheer amount of dumb questionnaires people post on MySpace and Facebook? I'm sure you have, I know I have. Who was the last person you kissed, who are you missing, who do you like?! How about questions with more content (that come to us at greater than a 4th grade level), that really allow us to get to know someone? The worst part of the lame questionnaires is that once you start reading one, it's like it sucks you in and you can't stop until you read the whole thing, loathing it all the while. The following is my attempt at not only beating my boredom at work, but also trying to set a new standard of questionnaire for the whole of the cyber universe. (I didn't come up with these all on my own, I did a little research...yes, I realize how that sounds, I'm a dork...but I am working a terribly boring job, after all.)

1. When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
That probably would have depended on the day you asked me, but the occupations I can remember being really passionate about were an astronaut, a vet, and a marine biologist...ironically all science related...though I ended up with a degree in fine arts.

2. What have you done in the past week to help someone else?
Hmm...I try to help someone everyday, even in small ways...I came in early for my boss yesterday...and sometimes I do my roommates dishes...the little things can really add up so it's good to be aware of them.

3. Who is the best-dressed person you know?
Oh this one's easy, Sara Prouty. She always looks like a million bucks, even in her jeans and a sweatshirt.

4. What is on your nightstand?
A lamp, a stack of books, and my glasses.

5. If you were a cat, what kind of a cat would you be?
A big fat orange one named Ooftah.

6. If you lived in a house surrounded by acres of trees, what particular type of tree would you want flourishing on your land?
I think I would like a variety best, cherry trees so I could appreciate the beautiful blossoms in spring and the fruit in the summer, Japanese maples, orange trees, apple trees...I love me some trees. Just no palm trees.

7. What do you find to be very overrated?
Plenty. Definitely relationships, though I feel deep love with someone else can be completely worth it. Other things I find to be overrated: having money, nice cars, American Idol, coffee, and hard alcohol.

8. If you could relive one day of your life from the past, which one would it be?
Easy. The day I first stepped foot into Paris, France, saw the Eiffel Tower, and drank a bottle of French wine under the city lights at the edge of the river Seine.

9. Have you ever felt replaced?
Yes, I did one time in particular, it's hard not to when you get dumped and the person who dumped you starts dating someone else right away. See, relationships are overrated, indeed.

10. What do you most often feel enslaved to?
My own emotions.

11. If you could step inside a book or movie and live the life it is set in, which would you choose?
The answer to this would certainly change with my mood but I think right now I would step into the book, Into the Wild and be a wandering nomad with little responsibilities. I would want to be able to live not tied down to anything, to be able to travel at will to wherever the wind might blow me...but I wouldn't want to abandon my family or die young...

12. Name a lyric from the song you're listening to.
"So this is the new year? I don't feel any different. The clanking of crystal, explosions off in the distance, in the distance."

13. If you had to give up everything you owned but could choose to keep 3 things, what would they be?
I would definitely want to keep my bicycle, my camera, and my laptop...mainly for all the pictures on it.

14. What chocolate do you always leave in the box?
Anything with nuts or cherries.

15. What would you do if you found out your ex is engaged?
Depends on which one...one I wouldn't care, another I wouldn't care as much but I don't know if I would be really happy either, and another I would feel pretty torn up over...but what could you really do at that point? I would hope they were happy.

16. If you had to choose one song to sum yourself up in, which would it be?
Today: Jimmy Eat World - 23.

17. Are you a talker or a listener? Is it ever possible to really be both?
I think you can be both, but most likely everyone has a tendency to one or the other. I tend to be a talker...I love to talk but if someone needs me to listen I like to think I am sensitive to that as well.

18. If it were a life or death situation, would you rather part with your vision or your hearing?
Ouch, that is almost impossible for me to answer. If I gave up my hearing I would be losing a huge part of myself, my love for music and singing. If I gave up my sight I would be missing out on my intense desire to see the world and travel. Each of these senses represents an intense passion of mine...but if I HAD to part with one, I think it would be my hearing because I could still remain fairly independent if I still had my sight. This is a depressing question for me.

19. If you could choose to be with anyone at this very moment, who would it be?
Christopher...because he is the only person whom I couldn't see, no matter how much I wanted to.

20. Which TV show have you seen pretty much every episode of?
The OC, Grey's Anatomy, It's Always Sunny in Philly

Long Division

2009-03-25T22:00:00.000+05:30

I kind of just don't want to deal with today. At all.

The corporate big wigs are coming to pay us a little visit at some point to tell us everything we are doing wrong. I can't listen to music, as I have very much gotten into the habit of doing, and that is weirdly upsetting. It's like it offers me a piece of solace in my bleak reality...and today it's just me having to face my bleak reality with no silver lining.

The phone is barely ringing and it's freezing cold in here. I don't have a sweater. I can't seem to wake up rested these days. I feel like I have nearly been sleeping through the night, but I will get a full 8 hours of sleep and still be really tired all day. I think it has something to so with the recent onset of my back problems...and I'm not convinced my chiropractor is helping the situation all that much. Due to said back problems I am unable to run or exercise very much which I think is also adding to my low energy state and slight, perpetual grumpiness.

I think the truth is I am in a slump following a really intensely social weekend. That happens to me sometimes, I need a break after so much activity and intense interaction. I think I am feeling a slump for other reasons as well but those seem magnified by the fact that I am tired and a little off. I think just getting through this week will be a good thing. I just have some annoying and slightly stressful situations to deal with...including dealing with a car accident I got into a week ago. It wasn't that bad by any means but I was rear ended while my head was to the side and craning to look ahead of the car in front of me...it was apparently just enough to give me whip lash. I had a bad headache and intense pain within about 15 minutes after getting hit. It was a weird and freak thing. Now I am in a mini battle with the girl who hit me...she refused to give me her insurance info at the scene, she said she wanted the quote first so she could pay out of pocket for everything...and stupidly I didn't push her into it or call the cops, which probably would have made more sense but I was a bit stunned and had never been in an accident before. Now if she doesn't respond to me I will have to go after her through my insurance company by having them contact the DMV. It could potentially be messy, though I'm hoping it won't turn out that way. Luckily, at least my bases are covered on all fronts, I have her license info as well as witnessess should a legal battle ensue. On top of all that loveliness, I am in a bit of a battle with Cal State Fullerton trying to get them to sign off on and post my degree...there was some sort of clerical error involving a class they had canceled that I had to replace with another class...and now not everything matches up. It's just one of those little details that is rather important but a bit of a headache to deal with.

Sorry about griping so much, it just feels like one of those weeks for me. Plus, I am bored at work and sitting in an uncomfortable chair with back pain...and really have nothing else to do than get a little complaining out in hopes of feeling better about everything soon.

I think I need a nap. The world always feels like a much better place after a nap...

...and a piece of cake. Mmm.

move it or lose it...

2009-03-25T06:57:00.000+05:30

i had a really good discussion with a dear friend over lunch today.

and it put a whole lot of BIG ideas into my head.

and we all know how much i love to think. too much.

some big changes may be on the horizon...but for now i revel in feeling safe, successful, loved, and happy.

i'm diving in.

Bixby Canyon Bridge

2009-03-25T00:29:00.000+05:30

Current soundtrack: Jimmy Eat World

Are we forever destined to do exactly what we don't want to do?

It's an interesting theory of the universe...perhaps, like a magnetic force, we are drawn to make the decisions we had initially set out not to make. BUT, does that make those decisions the wrong ones? Suppose that depends. What exactly is wrong and right when it comes to a life? Clearly we aren't talking morals, ethics, laws, or rules...but more of the abstract of right and wrong. People often say, "I think I made the wrong decision" after pursuing a failed endeavor. What if we looked at that in a different way and considered that perhaps right and wrong are much more of a loose concept that have more to do with outcome than anything else...if something is only wrong if it doesn't work out then I think I disagree that the ability to make wrong decisions even exists. If we don't give ourselves the freedom to stumble upon unforeseen outcomes, then we will never experience life...we would even cease to exist at all. Life is a series of decisions and actions strung together and it is often the case that we receive at least an unexpected outcome if not an undesired one. Maybe there are no such things as right and wrong decisions, just decisions themselves.

Here is where I start to wonder about the ever-debated issue of God's will. I know I believe in God, this isn't a conversation about his existence or ultimate divinity, but more of a discussion about his direct involvement in our lives. Free will implies that we can decide to do what we want, that we are free to choose life, death, right, wrong, he, she, yes, no...whatever we want. But, if God's will exists in the way many Christians feel it does, then it seems we have to seek out God's will for ourselves in order to continually make the "right" decisions and the question of right vs. wrong has more to do with God approving or disapproving. Now here is where I think I may disagree...many times one is free to make a decision in one of many directions that aren't morally or inherently wrong...so how is it that we determine what is "right" or approved?

Does God really look at our lives and have it exactly mapped out decision to decision about what we should and should not do? I honestly don't think so. Sometimes it takes trial and error to realize who we are and what we want. When faced with a decision about something, I guess I tend to go for it and see what happens rather than not go for it based on the fear that it won't work out or that it will be the "wrong" decision. Sure there's pain, suffering, and heartache along the way but I feel life is often worth it. In the meantime, rather than hemming and hawing over what the right or wrong decision is, perhaps I need to live more and think less. I already spend too much of my life inside my head and potentially missing out on experiences.

Maybe it's time to dive in.

But when all is said and done, I am still human and still have fear...and sometimes I just want someone else to tell me what I should do...because I guess after all my theorizing, I still seek to find what's "right."

guh.

Fractional

2009-03-23T22:13:00.000+05:30

Current soundtrack: Coldplay, Viva la Vida

Do you ever have those mornings where you wake up and you know that everything is just a bit off that day? That is exactly how today feels...perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I didn't get enough sleep last night or maybe that it's that my day started earlier than usual or it could always be the ever-present excuse of it being the dreaded "Monday." All I know is that I feel off.

While driving to work this morning I was met once again with the familiar feeling of monotony greeting me and rubbing in how today would be just like any other day, which will be just like tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after...it's hard to think about without getting overwhelmed and feeling a bit useless.

I forgot to bring a book today to work. I'm tired. I'm under dressed. Not all feels right in the universe, yet I couldn't put a finger on what feels wrong about it.

On the positive side of life, I had a fun weekend. Draining. But fun. Let's just say it was full of friends, food, celebration, dancing, out of town guests, and Disneyland. It was good.

Beyond feeling physically exhausted, my spirit is tired. I'm not sure if it's a negative thing, I think it just is. I am continuing to learn the life lesson all about timing and how it truly is everything. It forms the absolute boundaries of a situation, one that in another time and place could literally be infinitely more or less difficult to handle. I am in a place where I feel pretty secure in who I am and though I feel confident in that, I am at a bit of a crossroads with something and am quite honestly unsure how to proceed. I think I know what I want but within that "knowing" I feel wrought with a certain amount of fear and questions. Generally, the right decisions come hand in hand with risks, I am just leery of those risks quickly becoming my reality...it wouldn't be the first time. How do you successfully transfer your wants, desires, and passions from one thing to the next without losing yourself just a little to the thing you are letting go of? I suppose it's unrealistic to feel whole in life all the time, that's just part of the journey.

One good thing in all of my current unknowns is that I don't feel rushed to decide anything, life is just sort of chugging along at a relaxed pace...even though I don't always feel relaxed about it myself. I am definitely learning to be a more patient person, the last 2 years of my life have been forcing me to step up and stretch myself to do that and I finally feel like it's starting to stick.

My office is freeeeezing right now. I think my lack of blood flow is cutting off oxygen supplies to my brain...which feels like it is slowly shutting down...

3...

2...

1...

standby.

Something to brighten your day...

2009-03-19T01:14:00.001+05:30

Here.

This day is history: March 13

2009-03-13T21:45:00.000+05:30

1639: Cambridge College was renamed Harvard University

1781: Astronomer Sir William Herschel discovered the planet Uranus. Uranus!

1852: Uncle Sam was "born" as a cartoon character in the New York Lantern

1868: Impeachment trial of Andrew Johnson began

1906: Susan B. Anthony died. Bummer.

1947: The musical Brigadoon opened on Broadway. This may not seem significant to anyone else...but I did have a starring role in this musical in high school!

1973: Pink Floyd released "Dark Side of the Moon"

1985: Elana Grace Cherin was born. And Emile Hirsch. Who is my fantasy boyfriend. And subsequently starred in one of my favorite movies of all time, Into the Wild. Meant to be? I vote yes.

I hope you have enjoyed our little walk through this utterly important day in history. My last post was a bit depressing...and though I was feeling pooey at the time I wrote it, I am feeling much better this morning. It's amazing how a good night's sleep can really change your perspective.

And while riding the elevator at work this morning up to my floor, a random woman who I had never remembered seeing before, complimented me on my coat. I thanked her and she proceeded to tell me that I looked so cute every morning...because apparently she sees me walking into the building every morning. It was nicest compliment! And she didn't even know it was my birthday :)

24.

2009-03-13T10:38:00.000+05:30

Current soundtrack: Bon Iver - Skinny Love. On repeat.

Preface: the following is going to be a bit of a woe-is-me cathartic release. Read at your own risk and don't say I didn't warn you.

It is the eve of my 24th birthday, the eve of my 25th year of life.

And I am suddenly struck with a harsh pang of loneliness.

I'm not sure where it came from but boy did it come out of nowhere and hit me like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden, tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn't help but cry. And I can't even tell you why I feel this way completely, but I think it is safe to say it's a number of things rolled up into one overwhelming pain.

I tried to call some of my close friends...no one was available to talk...and so I lamely turn to my blog for lack of a better outlet at the moment. I don't care if I sound pathetic. We all have our moments.

There is a part of me that is scared of growing older and not moving forward at the same time...like my outward body is moving on but so much of my being isn't. I know I am moving forward in life but I sometimes catch myself attempting to measure the successes of me as a person by certain measuring tapes, certain milestones that I perceive I should be attaining...and I'm not. I have always had a certain way about me that lends itself to fighting to be content, and, truth be told, this is honestly the most content I have ever felt in my life...yet there is still a bit of a nagging darkness that creeps in to jab me in the side of my sunny days and attempt to drag me down into an endless abyss of self-pity. It's gross. I hate it.

As much as I love to make my way through life experiencing everything by deeply feeling it, sometimes I come to hate my melancholic nature...especially when it sneaks up to taunt me on occasions that should be otherwise full of great joy and celebration.

I know some of this has a bit to do with a recent situation in my life that brought me to a great spiritual, emotional, and mental high...and the subsequent losing of that thing that left me suddenly and with an air of finite resolution. I might have seen it coming but I sure wasn't prepared for it when it arrived. Sorry to speak in abstract terms, I think better of revealing certain fragile and beautiful pieces of my life that are kept safe, locked away in my heart. I think you get my drift. Plus, if I talk about it too much, it seems to work overtime to bring me further from where I want to be. I have worked extremely diligently to not let this thing lord over my life; I have fought to maintain control over it so I can live normally and with progression.

So, I guess here's to another year of life, one that I know won't disappoint...even if it brings up certain growing pains here and there.

After all, such is life.

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different "kind"
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love what happened here
Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full; so slow on the split

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
Now all your love is wasted?
Then who the hell was I?
Now I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

Rhymering

2009-03-11T03:32:00.000+05:30

This is cool: http://www.npr.org/news/specials/2009/obamatracker/

Here is my limerick for today: (please note: the sub-company I work for is HQ)

There once was a girl at HQ
She thought daily, "my job is like poo."
With bum in a chair she wanted to swear
Poor sailor-mouthed girl at HQ

zzz

2009-03-10T04:27:00.000+05:30

Oh my goodness. I just fell asleep at work. Whoops. Guess that's what happens when you down 1000mg of prescription Naproxen.

Dear God, please remove my uterus now.

2009-03-10T02:03:00.001+05:30

So, I considered trying to sneak listening to Pandora while working today but I decided in general that is just too risky. Luckily, though, the day is flying by...one good thing about the time change. In general I feel rather thrown off and waking up in the morning, well, forget about it. I was beyond tired this morning and was dreading having to get out from underneath my comfy and warm covers. I am quite looking forward to it staying light a lot later in the evenings; this makes all the difference considering I get off work at 5 and will now have a couple of hours of daylight left to enjoy.

Considering I am starting to train for another race the daylight is crucial to being able to go running after work. I decided that I am going to just keep signing up for different races as a way to force myself to keep up on my running. I do love to run once I get into it but I have to say I have definitely fallen out of the groove recently. I have a 10k lined up for the first weekend in April in Arizona, I am making my friend Tracy run that one with me. I am also tentatively planning on running a 10k memorial day weekend in Boulder, Colorado AND I definitely want to run the Santa Cruz Wharf to Wharf in July this year (I think that one is also a 10k).

I have horrible cramps today. Can I say that? I just did. And it's my blog. I can say what I want. So, that's that. I feel a bit like death and am so medicated I can hardly keep my eyes open. And I am supposed to run tonight. Yeah, right. I am thinking I will forgo the running in favor of a light workout at the gym and a long visit to the steam room to sweat everything out of my system. Ugh.

More later. I am in too much pain to think anymore.

Danny Boyle, I salute you.

2009-03-09T06:57:00.000+05:30

Current soundtrack: Albert Hammond, Jr. - Como Te Llama?

For starters, Albert Hammond Jr. rocks my face off.

Secondly, Slumdog Millionaire might have made my top ten movies of all time list...as in, it DID make the list. I know, I know, I'm so behind the times considering I just saw the movie today. I have literally tried to go and see it about 3 different times and each time something came up. I was all set to walk out the door to see it on Friday night and I accidentally feel asleep instead, oops! But better late than never, as they say.

The movie was incredible. A fabulous love story about destiny and perseverance that had the perfect mixture of reality, fantasy, and even a little sprinkle of Bollywood. I loved absolutely every minute of it. The cinematography was genius, the acting was superb and believable. The harsh realities of the Mumbai slums really resonated through me and affected me deeply. I loved the incredible attention to detail...how the main character Latika always wore or was seen with a hint of yellow (made really clear at the end as she donned her yellow scarf); I love searching for little clues in movies, especially artistic ones. The film really embodies so much more than a stunning love story, it commentaries on many other noteworthy subjects including greed, cultural stereotypes, family connection, religion, and the Westernization of much of the Eastern world. I like a film that can offer me more than a hint of flowery goodness in the form of a touching plot...I need some meat with my sugar, please. Anyway, bravo to the Academy for recognizing the depth of this film and awarding it best picture. A well deserved win.

This weekend has been awesome. It's really the first completely open weekend I have had at my new house since I moved in. Not only did I get a lot done but I had a lot of fun as well. Last night I ventured out to Santa Ana with my roommate Ashley and her friend Kelly. We hit up the monthly gallery open house at the Artist's Village. It's where they open up all the galleries in the area and have live music, food, wine, and tons of patchouli wearing hippies, seriously, right up my alley. That place is awesome and we are thinking of making it a monthly ritual to head up there. I also inquired about getting in touch with a gallery to see if I could ever show...that's a big step for me considering I am not typically the type of artist that has enough confidence in my work. However, there were a couple of local photographer's showing their work, some good, some not so good...but the point is that they were getting their stuff out there and they weren't all polished and perfect but they were showing. I need to push myself as an artist for fear I might lose my artist's heart and passion if I don't. So, here's to adding to the list of 2009 New Year's resolutions.

I suppose I haven't officially made a list yet...but I do have several things in my mind. Maybe if I get them out into the cyber-universe where people will actually read them, the accountability will present itself and I will follow through. I am proud to report that one of my resolutions has already been accomplished, running a half marathon. And I did it. All 13.1 painful miles. It was awesome.

The rest of my list is as follows.

In 2009 I will:

1. Bike ride often
2. Spend less money on non-necessities
3. Join forces with an NPO I stand behind and start volunteering (this is already in the works with the org Free the Slaves, very exiting!)
4. Buy local produce at farmer's markets
5. Restore a piece of old furniture and give it new life
6. Recycle
7. Save money
8. Read a lot (got the library card in hand!)
9. Keep in better touch with my friends
10. Take thousands of pictures
11. Listen to more records
12. Start a blog (check!)
13. Discover a slew of new music

I should probably cut myself a break and stop there...although there are many more things I would like to accomplish. Speaking of accomplishing things, there are tasks to be conquered tonight before my weekend leaves me...but, for once in my life, they are things I actually want to spend my time doing...things like finishing decorating the house, revamping my iPod with all my new music finds, and finishing a book. Life is good post-college. Cheers to freedom.

Oh, one last thought, if you are not a Pandora user, you MUST become one. It's an online music website that allows you to input artists you already love and creates music stations based on your style preferences...essentially it's high quality CUSTOM online radio stations sans commercials. It's fabulous. Check it out here.

Post script: As much as I like my roommates, I love when I am home alone and can play my music VERY loud.

Life is so much sweeter with a soundtrack.

Strawberry Swing

2009-03-08T00:11:00.000+05:30

Current soundtrack: Coldplay, Strawberry Swing (Viva la Vida)

"The sky could be blue, I don't mind, without you it's a waste of time. Could be blue, could be gray, without you I'm just miles away...and it's such a perfect day..."

How awesome are farmer's markets? Yeah, pretty awesome. I just got back from the little one in Corona del Mar...they really had great stuff. I bought fresh strawberries, blueberries, asparagus, clementines, and pink lady apples. It's amazing how much happiness I just received from this little outing. Buy fresh, buy local!

I live in the most glorious place ever. Where else can you roll all the windows down and open the sunroof while cruising the PCH along the ocean and listening to Coldplay...in March?! Welcome to Newport Beach.

And please, enjoy your Saturday.

Because a wonderful, sunny, warm, joyful Saturday it is :)

Oh, the Places You'll Go...hopefully.

2009-03-07T03:47:00.000+05:30

I have a whole lot of schmutz in my head and I am going to attempt to painfully squeeze it out and hope that it somehow resembles a coherent thought once it emerges.

Here I am at the end of yet another week, praising all that is holy that it's finally Friday. And it hits me. Is this what the working world lives for? Wonderful Friday evenings that bring the promise of two whole days of complete freedom? You know, freedom to do all the things you have been waiting with bated breath all week to do...the laundry for instance...or cleaning, exercising, bill paying, grocery shopping, cooking...just to name a few. Do you know how depressing it is to live only for the weekend? Please, count me out.

When does life get interesting? Not that I live a boring existence but it definitely isn't the riveting every day adventure I crave. I just can't help but ask myself, is this as good as it gets? I'm pretty sure the answer to that is no...at least I hope it is. Now don't get me wrong, it's not that I am the least bit unhappy in life, quite the contrary. I am loving many of the little details in my day to day, I just can't seem to shake the feeling that I am on the verge of something bigger.

Sometimes it catches me off guard, that feeling of bigger-ness being right around the corner, and makes me feel a little self conscious that I have forgotten to watch for it in anticipation and instead have taken to sitting around without ambition and blogging all day about how I want more for myself. I just look at my job and my seemingly endless debt and think, "there is no end in sight." Is that what my life will be about? Working all the time to try and break even or possibly get ahead only to die and realize it was totally worth nothing? What matters to me is love and relationships and becoming an addition to something so much larger than myself. When am I allowed to say, "enough is enough!" and begin to take those ridiculous huge and scary steps into the unknown?

What do I want? I want love to share with another person. I want love to give to those who need it. I want to reach out and offer parts of myself, my gifts, and my resources to those who have less. I want to live. Live differently than I am living now. I want to learn to better myself without taking from those around me more than I give. I want to learn how to serve the God of the universe without becoming a slave to religion and a prisoner of my own mind and heart. I want to travel. I want to fall in love. I want to stay in love. I want to see the beauty in someone that no one else sees.

I am ready to be surprised.

Delighted.

Shocked.

Shaken.

Challenged.

Freed.

Do other people sit around and ponder these things? Do I live in a world filled with people who accept their status quo without ever challenging the universe for more? Am I alone in my depth of thought and feeling about my place within the human race and how I can impact my world in every way possible?

Sometimes I feel loneliest in a crowded room.

Take Two

2009-03-06T03:18:00.000+05:30

I am on a quest to lose 5 (ish) pounds.

I don't like to diet really but I am going to cut out some things that I eat too much of...

namely soda, refined sugar, and fried foods.

I already don't eat a high fat content in my diet considering I am a vegetarian, but I do love my carbohydrates a little too much.

I just came off a crazy fitness high while I was training for my half marathon but during the last month since my race I have only run 2-3 days after which I did myself a nasty injury to the tendon in my foot. I have since healed...and since stopped running. I just got back to going to the gym and I hope that, coupled with making better food choices, will do the trick. I went down a size to a 4 and to 128 pounds (look at me being so open!) while I was running and now I feel like I'm barely squeezing into my pants. The truth is I don't own a scale right now so I have no idea how much weight I have gained...but sometimes it's best for me to not obsess over the number and instead go by how I feel and how my clothes fit. I can't afford to buy new clothes so I better fit into what I already own!

Welcome to my afternoon lull. I have too much time on my hands to just sit here at work and think about losing 5 pounds.

Other things to think about:

Dinner. I'm thinking grilled salmon on a spinach salad with feta, cucumbers, and avocado...and a glass of chilled white zin on the side. Any takers? Come over for dinner!

Laundry. I really need to wash some clothes. And vacuum my bedroom. And dust. And finish my book. There are just not enough hours in my day. I can't wait for this weekend...I have nothing planned at all, I think that's the first weekend I have had free since I moved to Newport. Ok, I take that back, I do have a haircut this weekend up in LA so I will be driving up there which takes a while but I freaking love my stylist too much to part with him, he performs magic with my hair.

Prop 8. The California Supreme Court today is hearing the challenges to the legislature that was passed in November. I would rather not state my opinion on the matter at the moment, but I will say that I am very interested on hearing the outcome of things.

My head. I have a headache.

Aliens Invade...

2009-03-05T22:20:00.000+05:30

Ok, so, I didn't bother blogging about this earlier because I wrote it off as being some sort of weird fluke or something...

On Tuesday night just after 9pm my roommate Autumn and I were downstairs watching a movie. We had come home from the gym and getting dinner and were under the impression that our other roommate Ashley was out. All of a sudden our downstairs windows started to shake and made this awful and really freaky noise. It sounded like someone was outside hitting the windows...but our blinds were open and there was no one there. We looked at each other and Autumn exclaims, "What the heck is that?!" I just gave a blank look but my heart started to race. We suddenly heard a weird loud noise and the sound of heavy footsteps walking quickly or even running above us, either up stairs or on the roof. We flipped out and I shouted, "I think there's someone in the house!" We took one look at each other and started running for the back door. Just then we heard the voice of our roommate Ashley who appeared at the bottom of the stairs. We started laughing at the discovery that she was home and it was her we heard up stairs. She asked if we just felt that earthquake and I told her that didn't feel like any earthquake I had every experienced...I didn't feel anything shaking, just the windows. We stood there laughing and chatting about it for a few minutes when all of a sudden it happened again but at a much lower intensity. I was sitting on our couch which is against a wall and I felt a tiny bit of shaking...so naturally I assumed it was indeed another earthquake. In my whole lifetime of living in California and feeling tons of earthquakes of every size, I had never experienced one that felt like that or one that was followed by a tiny aftershock after being so small . I ran upstairs to get on the US Geological Survey website to see how big the quakes were and where they hit...and there was nothing recent listed. I figured it would take a while to update so I checked later...still nothing. I just shrugged it off and decided I would check the next day...and still nothing. Knowing I already thought those were strange feeling earthquakes, I became totally skeptical and freaked out that the USGS website didn't read any recent earthquakes. At work yesterday I started asking around if anyone had felt the earthquake from the night before...no one had felt anything. Weird. Really weird.

Finally, a break in the mystery shaking case.

This morning my coworker Stephanie asked me first thing if I had watched the news last night. I hadn't. She said there was a story about the mystery shaking that was felt in the Huntington and Newport Beach areas, right where I live. She said they confirmed it wasn't an earthquake and that many people had called in with similar stories to mine...windows and doors shaking but no ground movement...and many of those people also thought someone was breaking into their houses. Ha.

So the first thing I do when I sit down at my computer this morning is search for a story...and I found this:

http://sciencedude.freedomblogging.com/2009/03/03/small-quake-felt-across-orange-county/20853/

It was "likely" a sonic boom.

Only they have no record of any jets with the Navy or Air force flying that night. Another thing that can cause that kind of sonic wave is the landing of a space shuttle...but there were none of those scheduled either.

I think it was really an alien invasion.

Apparently, the next morning after this little "incident," the exact same thing was reported happening in Northern California...

They are scoping things out...

Just kidding.

I hope.

Musings and Meanderings.

2009-03-05T01:33:00.000+05:30

I am thrilled at what seems to be happening in the fight against the genocide in Darfur. The International Criminal Court finally issued an arrest for the president of Sudan on the charges of what has been happening in Darfur. Let's hope things pan out well...apparently they are still a long way from a trial. Read more about it here. This could be a huge step in resolving the conflict there and stopping the killings and torture of thousands of innocent people.

I really want a Milky Way bar. It is sitting across from me in our horrible "snack basket" for clients. Ugh. I'm not really sure why I have this weirdly intense craving for chocolate, I don't usually eat chocolate.

Oh man. I cracked. Said Milky Way has successfully made it into my hands. I'm not a girl who lives in bondage to my food consumption. I am hitting the gym tonight anyway. Look at me rationalizing my chocolate mishap. Heh.

And half of said Milky Way just made its milky way into the trashcan. What can I say, I am a girl who lives in bondage to my food consumption.

I am too tired to think of anything creative or witty to say. I just want this work day to be over and done with.

Let's discuss how horrible the earpiece for answering the phones is. By the end of the day it feels like my ear is going to fall off, it is sore to the touch. I am not exactly grumpy today but I kind of feel like whining a little. I just want my sweatpants, a book, and a cup of lemon zinger tea with honey. Mmmmmm.

And on that note, I'm too tired to write anything more. Sorry this post sucked.

Ra Ra Riot at Detroit Bar

2009-03-03T13:53:00.000+05:30

Current soundtrack: Ra Ra Riot, The Rhumb Line

Despite my 10 (count 'em, 10) hour work day, I decided last minute to go see Ra Ra Riot play tonight after I had decided not to go in anticipation of being too tired.

I am very glad I went.

Detroit Bar is nothing but the quintessential trendy scenester hang out. Featuring low lighting, mod decor, old movies playing on retro TV screens, and all the best in the way of classic wannabe dive bar delights, I felt right at home. I made it in time to catch the end of the second band, Cut Off Your Hands, who were toe-taping worthy, albeit a bit sloppy. Overall nothing to write home about. Since I went alone, I had plenty of opportunity to people watch, one of my favorite hobbies. There was no shortage of pretty-faced boys with soft features and even softer hair dancing across their eyes, and large-purse toting, skinny jean clad, slip-on flat wearing girls. I laughed at the predictable fashions and the all too familiar Urban Outfitter catalog feel...and I couldn't get enough of it. Call me a trendy, mismatching, hipster, but I was happy nonetheless.

If the slip-on flat shoe fits...

Ra Ra Riot kicked my ass. I honestly love large bands with tons of energy... and this 6 piece rocking ensemble really brought down the house. They play nearly as tight live as they do in the studio which stands to vouch for their true musical know-how. Frankly, I would venture to say it is really the cellist and the violinist that keep the band at a notch above the rest while giving them their signature sound. The violinist was fun to watch, she literally danced in a sort of riverdance-esque sort of way while seriously ripping it up on the violin. The cellist was mesmerizingly beautiful and exotic (not a straight male eye in the house didn't notice). She was feeling everything she played with her whole body. I became increasingly envious of her whole aura as I watched. I decided that if I ever were to master an instrument and play in a band, a cello would be my weapon of choice.

The beautiful harmonies of the strings and the bouncing, catchy melodies of the guitar made everyone want to dance, you wouldn't have been able to help it, it's just that kind of music. The song Ghost Under Rocks is a pulsing, driven tune wrapped in a haunting harmony of background 'oohs'...it was quite trance-like listening to it live...it completely overtook me and I found myself with my eyes shut feeling every minute of it. Nothing beats the thumping of the bass resonating through your bones because the volume from the PAs is so overwhelming. That's what I love so much about seeing bands live, it is a completely different sensory experience than turning on your iPod.

I was more than a little overjoyed to hear the lead singer announce that they would be back in town in April...opening for none other than one of my all-time favorite bands, Death Cab for Cutie. Yes, please. Can't wait for that one.

I suppose I need to reconcile the fact that I have to wake up in a matter of hours to continue on in the real world of full time jobs and bills.

But I am ever-grateful for my soul-satisfying musical experience.

It was more than enough to tide me over until Saturday's show including Dawes (whom I hear are nearly life changing) and the always radical Delta Spirit.

Cheers!

Afterthought: I wonder if anyone ever actually reads what I write here...? Hmm. Ah well, I will still write, no matter the audience. Au revoir.

Birds, bikes, burns, and beer.

2009-03-02T07:57:00.000+05:30

Current soundtrack: Madeline Peyroux

I am sunburned, sleepy, a bit sore, and extremely happy.

Sara came to visit me in Newport this weekend and we had lots of wonderful adventures. We spent most of our time clad in summer attire on our bicycles riding all around the Newport Peninsula and visiting Balboa Island. It was a perfect 77 degrees with a fresh ocean breeze in the air...and we ate up every minute of it.

One of my personal weekend highlights involves this...

my brand new beach cruiser, affectionately known as The Big Green.

She's a beauty and rides as smooth as butter on a hot biscuit.

I am personally a huge fan of my wicker basket on the front, that thing is super duper handy.

Another fun detail to the weekend was the arrival of our 2 baby doves. We have had a pair of doves (which mate for life) that have apparently nested on our patio for 3 consecutive seasons. We watched them build a nest and scope things out until one day the female was sitting in the nest and hardly ever left. We assumed she must have laid her eggs. For the last couple of weeks she sat there day and night patiently while the male would pop in once in a while to relieve her of sitting duties long enough for her to get some food. This morning when I walked outside I noticed the nest looked seemingly empty. Fearing the worst, I climbed on to one of our adirondack chairs and peeked over the side of the nest (which is inside a mounted terra cotta pot) and was surprised to see this...

From what we could figure they must have hatched some point through the night or early morning...so I took this picture only a matter of hours after they hatched. And don't worry, though the mother was gone when I found the babies, she returned shortly with food and stayed comfortably in the nest thereafter.

Such a rad little gift of nature we get to enjoy.

Fabulous Frivolities

2009-02-27T01:30:00.001+05:30

I have posted a lot of heady blogs recently.

On to the lighter side of things...

Reasons to smile today:

1. The sun is out and it's a beautiful day.
2. It's almost Friday.
3. Everyone I know and love is safe and sound, whether it be in California, Colorado, Oregon, Texas, Zambia, Guyana, or Thailand
4. A rich Persian man that came into my office complimented me by calling me "beautiful, sheik, and European looking."
5. I bought 4 pairs of new shoes last night...I know, sounds excessive but they were from Payless and I was in desperate need of shoes for work now that I live in heels.
6. I am wearing one of the new pairs today...they are my favorite...

They are patent leather pumps...in TANGERINE!

Voila:

Fun, huh?!

Sometimes it's good to escape the depths of my mind and enjoy the parts of life I often take for granted.

Gosh, I love shoes.

OH, I just found a 7th reason to smile today...an awesome band I just discovered is playing a show at the Detroit bar (right down the street from my house) on Monday night...Ra Ra Riot! Um, that rocks my face off.

Poli-talk

2009-02-25T22:31:00.000+05:30

Heh, you like that little jingle for a post name, don't ya!

Let's get down to business...

to defeat the Huns.

Just kidding.

Little Disney joke, anyone? Anyone?

Ahem, well, back to the task at hand...Obama's address to Congress last night.

I didn't actually catch it on TV...I had too much to do after work. For those of you who were in the same boat or perhaps aren't up on the latest political happenings, you can read the speech transcript here. It is long but a good read and extremely telling of many of the issues our government is currently facing.

For starters, I must say that I appreciate the way in which Obama is approaching the economic crisis. Though I am far from an economic expert (shocking, I know) and don't really understand the ins and outs of the whole process, I feel that the transparency of his attitude and the openness of his style are refreshing at a time like this. After closing out the Bush era, I feel many Americans were disheartened at the amount of hush-hush back-office politics that took place. I know I was. Obama approaches the way in which he interacts with the American people much the way I feel I would if I were president. Not that I would ever make a good president...but I feel he mixes a good amount of rational decision making with emotional appeal that allows him to feel honest and real. I know some people think he comes off as rather idealistic, which he may, but I kind of find myself attracted to his get-it-done attitude...though that won't hold up long if he doesn't follow through on things--that remains to be seen.

Of particular interest to me is Obama's social consciousness. I greatly appreciate his awareness of and willingness to talk about the issues that face not only the bulk of American citizens (the middle class) but also the lower class. I am not really looking to debate whether or not certain areas of the lower class lend themselves to milking the government or the tax payers...I just mean to say I appreciate a president in office that reaches a larger spread of the masses.

I don't really consider myself an overly patriotic person and I feel I must admit that I actually have uttered disdainful words regarding America in the recent past. What was erroneous regarding my thoughts really has to do with me being ungrateful about the opportunities we have in our country. Without getting on a soapbox about certain issues, let me just say that we are very blessed as Americans...not perfect, just blessed. It feels good to have a renewed hope in our country now that we have a fresh face in our executive branch. I definitely feel very strongly about being educated in political matters, I might even go so far as to say that in order for one to have a valid and respected opinion, they must be educated on the current state of affairs. Though I myself have fallen prey to emotional bandwagon politics in the past, I have made it a personal mission to at least know why I feel the way I do. Trendy politics need to be a thing of the past. I am especially shocked when young people don't even know the basic building blocks of the government, such as the breakdown of congress, the 3 major branches of the government, or simple oft-used words like bipartisan, legislature...or even Republican and Democrat for that matter. It really irks me when Christians feel like they have to be Republicans and they don't even know why. I for one am a Democrat...ask me and I will tell you why. I will also tell you I don't agree with every front on the left, but I know in which ways I feel drawn there as opposed to the conservative right. I swear, if I ever hear "Jesus" and "Republican" in the same sentence again I might lose it. My main goal is to know where I stand and to work at being respectful of all opinions...though I tend to get very critical if opinions are based off of the aforementioned bandwagon politics. I know, right? Me, critical? Never.

Another hot button issue for me is that of education. Good lord, we are a society of under-educated people. We actually have the access to higher education and we don't utilize it. Do you know how many people around the world would be floored at the opportunity to receive higher education? I don't know either but I would guess a lot. Please, I know not everyone has a calling in life to become an intellectual, but at least be a well-adjusted, well-aware citizen of the human race.

What sucks most about the current state of affairs is that it is really driving home how much we are a credit-based society. Obama really emphasizes credit as the basis for our economy, which may be true but wow, that's a sad reality. Now let me say that I am in no way blaming those of us who utilize/abuse credit (yes, I lump myself in there too), it's a tough economy to live in without jumping into making credit mistakes, either from bad habits or bad situations in which we feel out of options. It just makes me realize how easily we all fall into our capitalistic ways without even meaning to. We basically live in a country that invents money as we go, and in reality we are only numbers on paper with little worth to back ourselves up. I had another point to make on this front but it has escaped me...

Anyway, I just wanted to put some thoughts out about what is currently taking shape in our government. I feel like I don't engage with people enough about important issues. My challenge for everyone is just to use your minds and think critically about all you come in contact with in your life.

Ok, back to work. Boo.

Just another day in paradise...

2009-02-24T22:51:00.000+05:30

I have resigned myself to being the kind of blogger that writes something everyday. I happen to find myself in a time in life where I am digesting a lot and forming so much regarding my thoughts and outlook on life. I guess you could say my worldview is really changing and growing all the time and I need an outlet for my processing. It helps me to know someone, somewhere is reading my meanderings...just don't tell me if you're bored or annoyed by the quality/quantity of my postings, let me happily live in my fantasy blog universe. My gosh, am I that insane? Yes. It appears I am.

And I work a very boring job to boot.

Welcome to yet another day in corporate America.

9:26am: Talking to Jer on gchat. I just finished a cup of coffee...I never drink coffee. I'm not sure what possessed me on that front, I have just been a bit all over the place these last few days.

9:39am: One of our clients just gave me an awesome tomato cucumber salad with olive oil because he made a last minute lunch appointment. Um, sweet. Gotta love free homemade food.

9:56am: I have decided that elevators are officially the most awkward places ever. The ones here are especially weird...they are completely reflective inside, the back of the doors are like mirrors. People try especially hard to avoid eye contact but you almost can't help it. Then say someone decides to chat with you (which happens fairly infrequently), you are then forced to make the awkward decision of either turning to talk to them or talking to their reflection. Quite the conundrum. Why are people so antisocial? At least they are in elevators. Sometimes just to pour salt in an already wounded situation, I will say, "have a nice day!" to the innocent bystanders when I exit the elevator, making it that much more awkward that nobody said anything to one another for the entirety of the ride. Muahaha.

Good thing I only work on the 3rd floor. Short rides up and down. Heh.

10:10am: I am reminding myself to catch the State of the Union address tonight at 9pm while partaking in my daily NPR readings. Ohh that reminds me that upon a successful visit to the public library last night I picked up a biography on Obama. That should be interesting, I will let you know how that pans out.

10:27am: Sometimes people who call on the phone are extremely dense. Since I am the receptionist for corporate suites, I answer calls for tons of companies. I am not supposed to tell callers that the company they are calling for is located in corporate suites and that I am merely an unrelated receptionist...guess they figure it will ruin the magic or something...apparently I now work at Disnelyland...anyway, sometimes people are really upset that whomever they are attempting to reach has not gotten in touch with them and they therefore feel the need to take it out on me. A guy just called pleading for me to find the man he needed to talk to and hand deliver a message. The issue here is the company that said man works for is not physically in the office, it's a virtual office; in other words I have never even met this man let alone seen him in the flesh. No matter what I said to this frantic caller, he did not seem to understand that I could not get a message to this man. He didn't want to leave another voicemail. What the heck can I do? Without trying to spoil the "magic" of the situation I just tried to assure Mr. Frantic that his voicemail would be returned soon. Let's hope I don't spend my day making false promises to weary callers. Ah well.

11:26am: Currently pondering the ethics of in vetro fertilization. I just read an article about how the lady who had octuplets has now been reduced to a punchline. Hmm, she kinda had that coming...and I do think what she did was insanely irresponsible. Eh, enough about that. On to logging packages...ooooh, fun.

11:43am: Hunger pains creeping in...
Feeeed me.
Caffeine buzz.
uuugh.

Son of a gun, someone get me a new life, pronto. How pathetic is it that the highlight of my day is getting home to my sweatpants and a good book? Sniffle.
It's always nice when you make a decent witticism and the person present merely looks at you in confusion rather than laughing. Perhaps my wit is just too far advanced for the average intelligence.

11:51am: Online Scrabble. Always good to keep the vocabulary sharp and up to date. Indubitably.

1:11pm: Make a wish! Returned from lunch...it was interesting. I ate my delicious tomato and cucumber salad. I sat listening to people talk, I really like eavesdropping...more than I should. I also read more of the book Disposable People, whew, that sure is a downer but it is full of really good information regrading modern slavery. People really need to know how this worldwide epidemic is spreading and what each one of us can do to stop it. More on that later.

1:49pm: Welcome to the afternoon lull. I am about as uninspired as this blog posting.

3:28pm: Just finished a cup of jasmine green tea...apparently I am trying to induce death by caffeine overdose. I also just discovered a new and faster way to get to work from my house. Huh. I feel a bit silly that it's taken me 2 weeks to figure that out. I am regretting my choice of shoes this morning...cute black wedge peep toe heels...but kind of ridiculously uncomfortable. You know your heels are especially uncomfortable when you are sitting in a chair all day and they still hurt your feet. That's what I get for going with the Payless special.

I am such a fan of using italics for emphasis...AND the always wonderful, ever-useful ellipsis...

I'm not a fan of over using emoticons...even that term makes me feel funny. :P just kidding.

3:35pm: With 1 hour and 25 minutes to go until I am free for the day, I am going to do the universe a favor and end this posting now. Those of you who are still (miraculously) with me, thank you for your visit...and I promise this will not happen every day.

As Apu would say, thank you, come again.

The Year of Betterment

2009-02-24T04:42:00.000+05:30

2009 is going to be an expansive year for me. Now that I am a college graduate I am determined to do all those things that fell by the wayside to the old, "I just don't have time while I'm in school" excuse.

Things that are currently taking shape in my mind and/or life:

1. Volunteering - I am looking into a couple different organizations in which to begin some semi-intensive volunteer work. Considering my dream would be to get a Masters Degree in Social Justice and Human Rights, I need to be well versed in the way of the NPO/NGO in order to even be considered for admission to a program since my undergrad was in, well, photography...and most decidedly unrelated (at least in academics, though not in my head). I am mainly looking into anti-slavery organizations, specifically Free the Slaves (FTS) and the Not for Sale Campaign. I have a good friend who works for FTS so I'm inclined to get in touch with them first.

2. Books - Insane amounts of books. I have started a list of books to read, it is steadily growing each day as I talk to more and more people about what they are reading and why. At the top of my list comes The Soloist by Steve Lopez, I have heard this is a must read, especially since they are releasing it as a movie this year. Up next I am going to attempt to read Disposable People by Kevin Bales who is the founder of Free the Slaves. I have been advised that it is an incredibly disturbing and intense book but I am feeling the strong desire to try and get through it since my heart lies so deeply in the issue of modern slavery. I figure someone's gotta read it and do something about it. Other books on my list include Dan Brown's Angels and Demons (I loved the Da Vinci Code) and Frank McCourt's Angela's Ashes. I am proud to say I am off to obtain a new library card after work today...it's the first one I will have had since I was literally about 10 years old; I am probably irrationally excited about it.

What's everyone reading? I am looking to add to my list, suggestions welcome!

3. Films - I have always loved films but have definitely fallen behind on what's current. I put my Netflix account on hold the last month while I was tight on finances but I am planning on starting it up again very soon. My list of movies is even longer than my book list...which I guess makes sense considering I can watch a film in a lot shorter amount of time than I can read a book. At the top of my film list is definitely Slum Dog Millionaire...even more so now that it took the Oscar for best picture last night. Otherwise I am especially interested in foreign and indie films, suggestions welcome here too.

4. Other - Ha. I know this is general but I am looking to expand myself in as many ways as possible. I already read a lot of news, NPR and Fox News on a daily basis and I am looking to continually saturate my mind even more with tasty tidbits of information. Thanks to my friend Chris, I will soon be spending lots of time on a really cool website for a project called Story Corps. Also, if anyone knows of any awesome gallery showings, art exhibits, or musical events, drop me a line!

I am excited to become a more brilliant person.

Anyone who wants to join me on my quest for self-betterment, please inquire, I would love buddies in this journey.

Peace, love, and knowledge.

Food for thought: what does everyone think of book clubs? Am I too nerdy for my own good?

no words.

2009-02-23T00:04:00.000+05:30

today hurts.

i will miss you. i already do.

Quotalicious

2009-02-22T04:46:00.000+05:30

Current soundtrack: Radiohead

Perhaps there is such a thing as too much blogging. I think I need to get a more interesting life.

But, until then, per the request of some of my ever-wonderful yet kooky friends, I have found the once lost "Little Book of BIG Quotes" and am posting them here for your reading enjoyment.

Preface: Do not judge the sharpness of our wit based on the amount you laugh out loud during the following. For most of these you really did have to be there...

"Bling momma's baby ain't happy." -Sara

"Morgan Freeman locked me in the basement." -Elana

"I wish you were a redhead so I could call you fire crotch." -Elana

"I'm a fancy prostitute." -Tracy

"My life will be complete when I have a monkey lover nibbling on my buttock while I am naked." -Elana

"There's no way I'm tasting poop." -Sara

"Ew! Don't tickle my kitty." -Elana

"I have a torn wenis." -Sara

"Those are very small boob-berries." -Chris Hoffman

"So easy, no wonder Elana is #1." -Online slogan generator

"Something is crawling in my crotch and it tickles." -Sara

Tracy: "It's like a cave..."
Sara: "A cave of wonders."

"I just want to suck on that chin. Yowzer!" -Elana (in reference to Jay Leno)

"They're succulent, juicy breasts. You know, breasts come in all different sizes." -Chris Sayler (in reference to chicken)

"I just want to look at it. Stop! I just want to look at your penis!" -Elana (to the infamous cat, Oscar the Grouch)

"I got a glimpse of your boob and thought, 'Wow, Elana's got a rack on her right now.' " -Tracy

Chris: "Yeah and she was kinda flat before." (In reference to Hillary Duff's vocal abilities)
Sara: "Oh, did she get a boob job?"

Elana: "I was a scary movie virgin when I met you."
Tracy: "I popped your scary cherry!"

"No, you're going to screw my nipples!" -David

"My crotch is vibrating." -Elana

"When you talk in a British accent it makes you sound more smarter." -Chris Sayler (while speaking in a British accent)

"Open foot, insert mouth." -Chris Sayler (in response to the above blunder)

Chris Hoffman: "If we're talking about the Brad Pitt from Troy, then yes, I want to have sex with Brad Pitt."
Todd: "If from Troy, then, yeah."
David: "I think Brad Pitt is the one man who has made me question my sexual orientation."

"I wasn't poking anybody's penis." -Elana

"If I were a woman I would want breasts with big suction cups." -David

David: "You know what I was thinking?"
Elana: "That if you were on top of the Eiffel Tower right now you would sing 'Glory Glory Hallelujah' and eat a Twinkie?"

"I would have gotten fake boobs and everything." -Chris Hoffman (trying to persuade David to take him out on a date)

"Yep, I'm pretty much a walking boner." -Todd

"I was gonna plug your bum hole in." -Elana

"You know what I like? When somebody rubs my genitals." -Todd (No wonder you're a walking boner.)

Jo: "There's something sticky on the Northwest corner of the kitchen floor."
Elana: "Wait, Northwest when you're facing which direction?"

"It's only 7 o'clock when you look at it the wrong way. I'm always a lot more drunker than I think I am." -Elana (when the clock actually read 25 minutes to midnight.)

"Three plus three is nine. Six." -Jo

"I recommend you strike first. Take a crap in Elana's bed." -Todd

David: "You always talk crap about Macs."
Jeremie: "I don't talk crap about Macs!"
Todd: "No, I talk crap about Macs."
Chris Sayler: "Wait. Who's Max?"

Elana: "How would that be, pooping Chipotle all over myself?"
David: "Spicy."

"Cheers to good viscosity." -Elana

"I should be inducted into the strawberry daiquiri hall of fame." -Austin

"Your mom is easy and tastes good." -Austin (replying with a lame 'your mom' comment without actually realizing what he was saying)

"I feel like sucking on something, but not chocolate." -Chris

"Mine! Mine mine mine! My beach, bitch!" -Elana

Austin: "You can't really dance to this as a guy..."
Elana: "Yeah you can, you just gotta be gay!"

"This place is new...it's been here forever!" -Sara

Austin smacks Elana's butt.
Elana: "I think I have a bruise there."
Sara: "From the last time he pounded you?"

"Well, we'll just make up the real world as we go along." -Jo

"Aren't the ants in charge of aphids? They hold them captive and they milk them! I think I'm serious!" -Sara

"Wait, the sky turns green during a tornado? Is that because it sucks up all the grass?" -Sara

And all of a sudden I realize just how many sexual jokes we make on a daily basis. Bah ha ha.

I miss you all.

Biddy Biddy Baum.

2009-02-21T13:09:00.000+05:30

Current soundtrack: ...silence. My mind is too full to confuse with emotion-birthing tunes.

The FOUND entry from today made me smile, look here.

My head might explode, though I find life is worth that risk. Mostly.

I found out that a dear friend of mine is moving back to the LA area very soon. And that makes me very happy.

And another dear friend is leaving the LA area Sunday. For 2 years.

And that makes me very sad.

So, I suppose if very happy is canceled out by very sad, then I am merely neutral, a sitting duck trying to decide what the hell to do with myself until I recover from neutralism. Is that a word? It is now.

Attempted neutralism remedies and subsequent failures:

1. A very expensive cupcake from a boutique bakery.
Subsequent failure: stomach ache.

2. A bottle of Fat Tire:
Subsequent failure: a worse stomach ache.

3. Watching Moulin Rouge.
Subsequent failure: heartache.

4. Snickerdoodles.
Subsequent failure: see numbers 1 and 2.

5. Sleep.
Subsequent failure: insomnia.

6. A good long cry.
Subsequent failure: pounding headache.

Perhaps tomorrow will be more successful.

Per a google image search of "please make me smile," the following shenanigans ensued:

Apparently you can train a person to smile.

I just got really sleepy.

And considering I'm making very little sense and providing an extremely limited entertainment value, I should quit while I'm still somewhat ahead.

Bleh.

Friendlies

2009-02-20T00:17:00.000+05:30

Current soundtrack: the ping ping-ing of 4 elevators

Current wish list soundtrack (or, consequently, the soundtrack in my head): Sarah Vaughn

How radical are good friends? I really love my friends, as they have become an extension of my family. After having flown the proverbial nest nearly 6 years ago, it has become increasingly apparent that friends are my lifeblood, my biggest fans, my biggest support system.

I am thankful for my friends.

This morning one of them said to me (via G-chat) after I asked him if we could all still be friends when we were middle-aged, married, and have children:

"I wouldn't be surprised if your kids were born hippies with tattoos and everything...
a birthmark that says 'one love.' "

This made me laugh. And happy to be grown up. With good friends by my side.

I think what has helped me re-realize that I love my friends so much is in fact another friend of mine, a new friend, who is about to leave for 2 years to join the Peace Corps in South America. Getting to know him recently, I have seen the way in which he truly cherishes his friends and those in his life that have affected him in a positive way. It has been inspiring getting to watch firsthand as he makes a point to recognize those around him and show them appreciation before he leaves for his big adventure. I love to meet people who are good at loving others, it spurs me on to work on loving those in my life to an even greater capacity.

Exactly 3 weeks from tomorrow is my 24th birthday.

This might be the first birthday in my life thus far in which I actually feel...old(ish). Mid-twenties. That means 30 is literally just around the corner. Whew.

I can't wait to see what myself and the people in my life have accomplished in 6 years.

It's exciting to be alive.

Forgive my scattered and piecemeal posting...I am sitting in an uncomfortable office chair at my desk and feeling the need to dwell on how much I appreciate life.

Peace.

Oh, and...

one love.

PS Brighten your day here. Awesome.

For Miss Amy Juliette Nelson

2009-02-18T07:57:00.000+05:30

You are not alone.

In fact, we are in such similar places in life that I think you should move back to California...specifically to Newport Beach. With me. In my bed. We can spoon nightly.

Reasons why you should NOT live in Texas:

-It smells like manure.

-There are entirely too many cows there (see above), which I guarantee puts dangerously high levels of methane gas into the air causing undue respiratory problems from essentially inhaling too much poop.

-It is downstream from Colorado...and you DO NOT want to know what those Coloradans put in their water...knowing that they live upstream from Texas. They hate Texas.

-The Dallas Stars are the most hated team (by me) in the NHL, save for the Detroit Redwings. Which, clearly, won't be an issue unless you consider moving to Michigan. Then we might have to rethink our friendship.

-Beef. It's what for dinner. And lunch. And breakfast.

-George W. Bush. 'Nough said.

-The KKK took my baby away.

- People like this live there. He admits that his garb of choice on a sunny day is a wife beater.

-Wife beaters.

-Everything's bigger. Bigger is not always better.

-I do not live there. And probably won't. Ever.

See, all good reasons.

Come home!

"Somedays our future, it seems to hang on so tight"

2009-02-17T00:15:00.000+05:30

Current soundtrack: Ra Ra Riot and The National

It is not often in my life that I am at a loss for words. I am extremely verbal and have been blessed with highly competent communication skills (thanks, Mom).

I have a lot in my head at the moment...but it's very difficult to get it out in a way in which it represents what I am truly feeling.

Elated.

Confused.

Broken.

Full.

Struggling...

Yet at peace.

While working yesterday I had two very meaningful encounters with customers...I LOVE that about working at REI, I meet the most wonderful people that don't even realize how much they touch my life in little ways.

The first was a middle aged man that needed a backpack. He was so friendly and wanted to tell me all about his new-found desire to get in shape and to get out into the world and see things.

He is going to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro in a few months.

As I was fitting him for a pack, he started to ask me a little bit about myself and I easily indulged information about things happening currently in my life...there is something therapeutic about talking to a stranger who doesn't know all the gritty details.

With a determined look on his face he stopped what he was doing and looked me dead in the eye. He proceeded to tell me in a serious tone to live my life without hesitation and to wholeheartedly attempt to obtain the things I felt were right and good.

"Don't wait until you're my age, " he expressed passionately.

The other encounter I had was with an older couple who were looking to buy a GPS wrist unit for open sea kayaking. They were definitely in their late 60s or early 70s and positively still so in love with one another. They had this amazing connection to each other, finishing each other's sentences and giggling about it. They playfully joked and nagged one another and got on so easily, it was really fun to watch...I'm definitely not used to seeing that.

I talked to them a bit too, mostly about traveling and seeing the world and maybe even living in Europe and attending grad school...they were so enthusiastic about all my ideas, and told me right off to do them and to embrace my passions. They reminded me that if I didn't do it now, that I would most likely have to wait until retirement...which they admitted was a fun time but they didn't have the capabilities they had when they were young.

The wife thoughtfully encouraged me in saying, "You kids have a whole world of opportunities that we didn't have at your age. Take advantage of that."

And today, on my one day off in a string of ten work days, I sit here and wonder,

what the hell am I doing with myself?

And why am I where I am instead of where I want to be?