Life in a Day.

I just got through watching a film called Life in a Day [watch it here], 90 minutes of the most inspiring and simplistically beautiful footage I have ever seen. Yes, that is quite a dramatic claim, but I have to attempt to convey just how much this cinematic masterpiece moved me. It's a documentary with a very straightforward and even provincial goal: to portray a single day lived out all over the world. The day was July 24, 2010, making a full moon just about the only significant and notable feature about it. The film moves roughly in chronological order throughout that given day, jumping from location to location and culture to culture, making it a positively absorbing experience. What struck me most about the film, which I guarantee will make you laugh, cry, smile, and stare in horror, is that the things that connect us as humans are the same throughout every country and culture...and are so simple.

Ok, I realize that sounds like the philosophical (albeit sophomoric) realization of an eighth grader, but as someone who has spent a little time living cross-culturally, I know how easy it is to forget the heart of what truly connects us all. When you take away common language, traditions, and food, and sprinkle in simple, yet hard-to-comprehend cultural nuances, you easily find yourself in denial that you were born on the same planet as the people you are facing daily...forgetting that you are both human and both have needs, desires, and emotions...everything just feels foreign and unrelatable.

Though I know it's unrealistic, I wish everyone was required to spend some time living within another culture; I believe there are few experiences as eye-opening. Coming to acknowledge and appreciate the common threads woven between us as people, as pieces of the same Creation, is truly mind-blowing. To finally put your finger on the human condition, on the things that we are all afraid of (loneliness and death), somehow, in a crazy and unexpected way, empowers us to relate to one another through all of our day-to-day differences. The world at large is dauntingly complex and full of a million cultures, languages, and lifestyles that might always puzzle me, but something beyond myself drives me to want to touch it, experience it, feel the pain, loss, love, joy, and intensity of other people. I guess it's safe to say that's a large part of the reason I desire to live in India again, because there is something about intangible human connectedness that draws me outside myself and closer to the all-powerful God who set this universe into motion. In our basic form, what we all desire is God and what we all fear most is a lack of God. If we as Christ-followers can begin to reframe our view of the world and see others as extensions of ourselves in God's creation and image, IMAGINE the ways in which we could experience life and love others. I shudder to think I may spend another moment of my time on earth living outside of the incredible existence that is ours to take hold of.

So with that I humbly ask you, what are YOU waiting for?

Geranium Leaf.

I have been back from India for 10 weeks and have been experiencing some of the normal side effects of the always emotional "reentry phase."  I have felt an overwhelming dose of God's grace during this time of my reverse culture shock, and I can say with confidence that this year's transition is a lot easier to cope with than last year's.

One aspect that has yet completely knocked me on my tush has been the lack of a physical place to call my own.  As humans, we are natural nesters and it seems the rare occurance to find someone who is a true (and permanent) nomad and loves it...sure, it's GREAT for a period of time...I myself love the idea of wandering from adventure to adventure with only the belongings that I carry, and, needless to say, have done quite a bit of that in the past 18 months.  However, I finally reached the end of myself in loving my nomadic ways since upon my return from India I have been homeless.  I must clarify that I am using the term "homeless" very loosely, so forgive the crude comparison, I just mean to say that I have not had a place to call my own where my bags were unpacked and I wasn't constantly living out of a carry-on sized suitcase and 2 Rubbermaid bins.  I was graciously cared for by multiple people who opened up their homes to me and took great care of me while I was in flux.  I have always had a roof over my head and thank the Lord for that.  Coming into that from 3 months in India where everything is in flux constantly was not ideal but I am growing stronger with every moment that my comforts are stripped away and I realize that I am still just fine, thriving even.

However, I am excited to announce that after 10 weeks of feeling unsettled whist staying with some great friends, I have culminated my time of nomadic wandering with moving into a place with roommates that is all my own.  I am nearly finished unpacking and setting up (it doesn't take me long as I travel light-ish these days) and I cannot express the joy I feel in being set up and organized again.  For those of you who don't know what kind of household I prefer, let's just say this girl loves color-sorted closets and perfectly organized drawers and shelves, everything in its place.  This is a testament to the completely contradictory dichotomy of me: I love to wander nomadically in search of adventure with only a backpack on my back...yet I relish having a place to nest that becomes my personal sanctuary where I can recharge and let go.

So, surrounded by my freshly painted Geranium Leaf green walls, I can't help but feel a deep contentment in the moment knowing that I have once again been given a season to rest and rejuvinate after many months of intense cross-cultural ministry...and I am thankful.

I realize this account begs the question, "so how long will you be sticking around?" and I wish I had a concrete answer for you, but alas, I do not.  As much as a blueprint for life would make things somewhat easier, it sure would take the adventure and the flexibility out of things, making us all predictable and irritatingly calm with a lack of passion for the unknown.  I believe God has called us ALL into His story, not into creating stories of our own.  When you agree to play an integral part in someone else's story, it seems inevitable that you will remain unsure of what's to come...because what's to come is not being determined by you, by your personality, or by your eagerness to control...you are merely along for the ride.  Now, the true beauty in this is that God DOES mind our desires and our passion and He DOES use us accordingly based on who He created us to be...which means that in our adventure of the unknown, we can be guaranteed that we will fit in seamlessly, as long as we are remaining submissive to God's leading...remember, it's HIS story we are characters in, not our own.  For good measure (and as a reminder to myself), I must point out that fitting seamlessly into God's story isn't about it being easy, because, we can be certain, it won't be.  Herein lies the crux of a relationship with Jesus...it is difficult at times but that is where we find the most growth and fruit.

I can loosely sum up my coming future by saying that I don't feel that I am done with India and I most definitely feel I will be back there at some point, possibly sooner than later.  What I know is that I was created for this season of life in which I feel an unbridled passion for the work that God is doing in India and I am honored to be a part of it.  As a player in a masterpiece that I have not authored, I cannot say for sure when I will be where, but what I know is that I am not on a break from the performance of life and participating in God's story...I am merely playing a different scene for the time being, though I would be remiss to leave out that I am waiting expectantly for the green light to go back...

Simplify.

Quintessential India: Vasintha.

Just over 2 weeks back in the US and already I am swimming in resumes, job postings, and overall blindness when it comes to my near future.  Surprisingly, it's a great place to be...even though I whine about it at times.  If there is one shred of truth for me in life, it's that God's love for me is tangible daily and it's only by His grace that I am provided for.

I really miss India.  Strangely, my Indian life feels simple in my mind compared with my Western life.  I felt something yesterday I hadn't felt in a long time...stress.  Though India is chaotic and unending in dizzying color and confusion, ultimately things slow down there and a way of life that is simple and even provincial sets in.  Even though it's a big adjustment to settle into that lifestyle, once I am in it, there is so much more room to breathe, to reflect, to grow, and to just be.  Even though I have lots of free time in my now jobless, Western life, the culture here is a swift current that is already sweeping me away...and I feel pressure to earn, to do, to connect.
  

In the midst of the unknown I am grateful that I actually feel in a pretty good place, especially compared with the transition I faced last year upon returning to the States, which was definitely tumultuous.  The reverse culture shock is much less for me now, at least in the dramatic and tangible sense, but I do think it's hitting me at a deeper soul level this go around.  I feel at a crossroads in life, though I'm not sure that I actually have to choose anything just yet.  I feel as though some "other" person or "greater" force is pushing me to decide if I am going to lay down roots or commit to a missionary lifestyle, when in reality, a missionary lifestyle is already what I've chosen and is undoubtedly what I'm called to.  Now it's just a matter of figuring out what that looks like for me (even if that means remaining Stateside for the time being) and silencing the world around me telling me how I should be living my life. Following Jesus is a seriously counter-culture move, which often means going against the grain of popular culture and thinking.  So, in short, I am a bit of a weirdo...and I am ok with that.

It's good for me to live in the midst of uncertainty for the time being because that ensures that I am constantly seeking God on what's next and remaining interruptable and ready for anything.  As I take much needed time to reflect on the last several months and reconnect with myself (since I have had no alone time in 4 months), I look forward to finding who I am again, the simplicity of Me in a culture that wants me to feel complex and busy.  I believe with my whole heart that I will at some point return to India (how could I not?) but I have no idea how soon that will be or in what capacity it will pan out.

I would LOVE prayer for finding a job and place to live since income and housing are 2 staples of normal life here.  Even if I only settle for a couple months...or a couple years, I want to make sure my time here is rich with blessing others as I continue to grow personally and come into my calling as a Christ-follower.

Here's to bringing a piece of India home with me...to loving others, to serving the Church, and to remaining flexible.

The birthday miracle.

I am finally posting a blog.  For whatever number of reasons I have sucked at posting blogs about my time in India...it mostly has to do with the fact that I have been personally responsible for posting most of our team blogs coupled with the fact that our internet is somewhat spastic and decides to quit working far too often.  Enough excuses though, 3 is a sad number of posts in blogland considering I have been in India for coming up on 9 weeks now.  Without further adieu, I bring you India-blog-post-number-four...

Today is my birthday. Today I have ended my 26th year of life and have begun to embark on my 27th.  I remember when I was a kid and my grandpa pointed that fact out to me, that when you have a birthday, you are ending the year that actually corresponds with the age you are turning...a simple bit of logic but one that my young brain had never before digested.  It made me feel so wise and mature to be able to brag that I was headed into my next year of life, since naturally it made me sound older and I wanted nothing more than to be just that: older.  It is safe to say that my mentality has changed a lot since I was a kid and all I wanted to be was another year older so I could gain more freedoms and try new things.  Though turning a year older still holds some excitement for me, it also has begun to hold weight; one year older means one year closer to actually feeling "old," one year less to live, one more year without a steady career, money in the bank, and a husband...all the things the world seems to be telling me I need to be stable.  It is significant for me to be in India on my birthday for the second year in a row because India has been so much of my life lately. God has been showing me so much of myself here (at moments that can be a scary thing) and I feel myself becoming who I am supposed to be in doing what I love doing: living cross-culturally and serving others.  Though I have insecure moments where I question if I would be better off pursuing a "real" career, I know that nothing can satisfy like doing what you feel called to be doing.  I therefore find myself completely content on the eve of my 27th year of life because I know that being here is crucial to being who I am today.

March in India marks the end of the extremely short winter here which follows the torrential downpours of monsoon season.  The joke among Indians is that the seasons go directly from winter to summer...and they couldn't be more serious.  Even though winter isn't exactly cold (at all), summer is BLAZING hot and the temperature has already climbed to the mid-90s, which feels over 100 degrees with the humidity.  Today, we visited a village church where we know the pastor and his wife.  The painstaking 3 hour service would have been awesome and enjoyable had it not been for the temperature inside the tiny concrete room.  We guesstimated that the temperature inside the room was over 100 degrees considering that when we walked back outside after 3 hours, the 90-some-odd-degree day literally felt cool.  We were all so hot and sweaty that two of us nearly fainted while sitting in chairs inside the hot oven of a room.  Suffice it to say, it was a very challenging and uncomfortable 3 hours which will help you to understand that why, a couple of weeks back when it was raining, we were beyond excited.  The first day it rained here I spent a long time outside just letting the drops hit my skin.  I got soaked but it was completely worth it, I love the rain. That very day I actually (and quite earnestly) prayed and asked God if he would bring me rain on my birthday.  This morning when I woke up the sky was clear and it was obvious that it was going to be hot and sunny. I thought about my prayer and laughed to myself thinking, "how cool would it be if it rained," and I again prayed that God would bring the rain, even though I didn't think it was at all possible considering I was doubtful God would answer such a silly prayer. Oh me of little faith... This afternoon after enduring the hottest 3 hour church service ever, a bunch of us were sitting chatting in my room and got on the subject of my prayer for rain on my birthday.  We all laughed it off and moved on to talking about something else. Less than 5 minutes later I was gazing out the window (at the very SUNNY day) and all of sudden I heard rain drops and saw wet spots multiplying on the ground.  I was so shocked that I completely interrupted Bethany and yelled, "IT'S RAINING!!!!!!!!!!"  We all ran outside and were jumping around like idiots.  The day was still bright and sunny and we all looked up into the sky asking, "where is this even coming from?!"  There was one small dark-ish cloud directly above our house (no exaggeration) and it was raining JUST on and immediately around our house!  Across the street, not 30 feet from where we were standing, the ground was completely dry and there was no rain!  I thanked God so much for the wonderful gift of joy he granted me on my birthday.  It seemed like such a silly thing but God knew that it would bring me joy as well as stand as such an amazing testament to his faithfulness because he DOES answer our prayers, even small ones!

Every day spent in India comes complete with new lessons and little glimpses into the real-ness of God.  Being here is like staring him in the face sometimes, that is how tangible Spirituality is here.  Even though I am far away from many of my friends and my whole family on my birthday, I am comforted that I am where I am supposed to be, and God is a God of miracles, JUST when we need them.

A shameless plug.

I am busy formulating something profound to write on my blog to update all of you on the status of life here...but until then, please enjoy my shameless plug comprised of pictures of myself in my new and prized sari.  I have wanted an awesome silk one forever and I finally was able to shop and buy just the one I wanted...for only 10 bucks!  Isn't India amazing?  Love you and miss you all!

The week in pictures.

An outdoor market in Dubai that was closed for the
afternoon but we still walked through it and checked out
the neat old style buildings.

The camel that I rode in Dubai.

Friends walking and shopping in Dubai.

The evening water show (Bellagio style!) in front of the
Burj Khalifa in Dubai, the world's tallest building.

Indian style sewing machine at the Ashraya house in Tenali,
a rehabilitation center for women who came out of sex
trafficking and prostitution.

Indian man climbing a huge palm tree to collect buckets
of rice wine, a substance made from fermented palm sap.
He will climb the tree, tap the fronds with a machete
and a bamboo tube and then bring down the buckets
of fermented rice wine. It is said to taste reminiscent
of Blue Moon beer...I got to taste it...it was gross!

Tapping the palm fronds to make the rice wine.

100.

This post has been a long time coming.  I have thought about what to write dozens of times...for nearly months now.  I know it's just a blog, but so many important things were evolving in my life that I was nearly too overwhelmed to form my experiences into words.  This is also my hundredth blog post, which, for my nerdy self, feels significant. So, without further adieu, I bring you post 100.

It is 5:45am in Tenali, India and contrary to my usual ways, I am awake...by choice.  Living in India shifts everything for me, the bad mingled with the good...but this is one of the good things, getting up early and enjoying the pre-dawn quiet of the day.  Ironically though, my alarm clock is the neighboring mosque and their loudly projected call to prayer. Though I am not Muslim, there is something reverent about being woken up to pray before dawn, so I have decided to adopt this habit as much as possible.  Living in a house with many other people also makes alone time rare and this seems to be just the cure for that.

When I arrived in India merely four small days ago, something epic happened within me.  A shift that I had waited my previous 6 months here to feel, finally released and I felt something I had never before felt in India...

that I was home.

It was an incredible revelation for me to feel this way, because, as you may know, my previous 6 month stint here was difficult, to say the least.  It was wrought with tough lessons, culture shock, and struggling to find myself in a culture that relegates women to something I was not used to.  I was thankful for what became known to be my 6 month India "boot-camp" and shortly after arriving back in the States last June, I realized that the Lord had merely been priming the pump for me to enter into long term ministry in India, which very much surprised me.  I immediately knew I was going to come back, I just didn't know when or for how long when suddenly the RockHarbor India Residency was on my radar...and, well, the rest is history.

Despite the small areas of discomfort here (which are of little concern to me at this point), there is so much about this country to fall in love with.  Now that I am past the portion of myself that reacted negatively, I can feel that process happening, as I was trusting it would the second time around. God's plan is so beyond perfect and beautiful, it is intricately poetic, despite my best efforts to screw it up at times.  For example, yesterday, our first full week day here in Tenali, we were told that we would be visiting one of Harvest India's elderly homes.  When we arrived, I was overjoyed to find it was a home I had visited just over a year ago on my first trip.  During my first visit there, some of the elderly people got up and shared their stories, many heartbreaking, about poor health, being forced to beg, and being disowned by their families because of their old age or windowed status.  Each person that got up to share walked directly over to me and locked eyes with me as they talked.  I was unsure why any of them did this, as I was sitting among 15 other people.  Others on my team noticed and later shared that they felt that was God confirming through that my choice to stay in India as a missionary; I personally felt as if my heart had been captured in a way it hadn't before.  It was an incredibly touching experience and I felt that truly was one of the early formative moments that started me on my journey back to India.  So, needless to say, it was extremely special for me to go back to this same elderly home and see once again many of those same faces.  I was also able to share this story with the elderly people and thank them for blessing me in a way that ultimately God used to help me come back to India.

I am thankful that the Lord has allowed me to begin to experience the true magic and beautiful intricacies of this place that has captured me. I knew before that it held my heart but it was difficult to even express why or how.  I am suddenly feeling that the mystery of India is being revealed to me and the locked door that kept me out and in the dark before has been opened and the light of understanding has flooded over me.  I see myself here, not in the sense of seeing myself living here but rather that I have been given eyes to understand myself within the context of this culture...and it makes sense.  I am finally finding my identity here...finding my voice.

Take heart.

Life is overwhelming.  The ups and downs, the happiness and sadness, the hard work and the emotions we all feel each day...

it's a lot.

I was reminded today of the fragility of life while reading some updates on Daisy Merrick, the little girl with cancer who has become well known through the amazing power of the internet and the willingness of God's people to pray.

I was also reminded of the strength of the spirit and the ways in which we were created to overcome, to conquer, and to redeem so much of the hard stuff...but not alone.

Every single day I find a portion of my thoughts falling to India and the time I was able to spend there serving, learning, growing, and being challenged.  I sometimes have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that I was chosen to go, me of all people...so broken and emotionally scattered...yet I was blessed with an experience of a lifetime.  It doesn't make sense, but it's beautiful and for that I am thankful.

While learning to live again in a place labeled "home," I feel the weight of adjustment every day.  I feel the anxiety set in each morning taunting me to feel unsettled and unsatisfied.  But I have to fight against what the world pushes upon me because I know I serve a God bigger than any pressure, real or imagined.

Take heart, weary servants, knowing that we are not alone in our pain and our anxiety.  Remember to let go of the complexities that make our heads spin and simplify life into one thing: loving God so we can love others.  There is immense joy to be found in the journey but you have to remember to allow yourself to find it...

Street Sweeping.

This morning was one of those mornings in which I kept waking up afraid I was going to over sleep...and I over slept.  Rather than my alarm waking me, I awoke to the intrusive sound of the street sweeper...and remembered with a sharp pang that my car was still parked on the street and it was a few minutes after 8...

Sure enough I started my day late and with a parking ticket.

Though this is generally not a worthy topic to blog about on its own, I have been meaning to blog a  lot more often and it bums me out that I've already let myself become too busy to do the things I want to do, even the little things.

I miss India and the slow simplicity of life there.  Sure, sometimes I got bored but nothing was ever really that stressful.  I had time to just sit and think, time to contemplate, time to just be.  For whatever reason, I don't allow myself that time here and during moments where I have nothing else to do, I feel anxious about figuring out the next thing I'm supposed to be doing.  I have always thought that it was just me but now that I have seen myself outside of my culture, I realize so much of it is just my environment.  It feels like a terribly difficult up-hill battle to fight against busyness...but I realize it's perhaps what I have to do to maintain my overall health.

Why do we keep ourselves so busy?  What are we afraid of?

Dot. Dot. Dot.

Do you ever have a moment where suddenly you seem to come to the full realization of yourself?  A moment above the storm where you can see clearly for miles ahead?  A moment in which you feel defined, determined, and delineated from the crowd? A single drop in time where you actually know that you were created for something beyond human contemplation?

I hope you have those moments...

and that you let them change you.

Rain Down.

Ok, I can't wait to get my day started (and I slept in a bit later than I had planned on...) but before I jump into it I had to take a few moments to share the overflow of blessings in my life.

Brief background on the last 6-ish years: College was a crazy time in my life.  I had a difficult time deciding exactly what I wanted to do, or at least deciding to make that happen.  Once I finally settled on a school and a degree, I felt the entire experience was an up-hill challenge. Academically I didn't feel like always rising to the occasion and personally I was a huge wreck. My life was flanked with failed relationships and vain pursuits to fill voids, depression, medication, and countless tears and days hiding out in bed. I had some great things come out of those 5 years, mainly some incredible friendships and a whole lot of tough lessons learned. Right after graduation I took a corporate admin job and for the most part hated it...loved the people (most of them anyway) but did not fit into the environment whatsoever.  When the opportunity to potentially go to India showed its face, I dove in completely and, well, the rest is history.  In a nutshell, the several years leading up to my India adventure were hard and wrought with a lot of challenges, fighting within myself, and days of wandering in the desert. I often asked, "where are you, God?"

Low and behold the Promised Land.  Coming home from India started some incredible things happening for me.  Before I knew it, I had gone from having nothing to a having car to use and a house to stay in for almost no cost while I was looking for a new job. And then, with literally very little effort, I had a job a week after I moved back into Orange County. A WEEK!

Beyond having all my physical and logistical needs met and exceeded, a "garden" of friendships has begun to explode with new growth in my life.  Hardly a day goes by in which I don't receive a text, phone call, or email from someone reaching out or responding to me and wanting to get together.  I have this laundry list of amazing people to spend time with and not enough time to do it!  I suppose that's a pretty good "problem" to have...

I have encountered a couple of people who, upon hearing my story of blessing, chalked my life up to something as simple as, good people who do good things (referring to India) get rewarded, much like a sort of karma mentality.  With all due respect, that is SO not it.  I suppose for all intents and purposes you can state that I am a "good" person...in other words, I haven't murdered anyone or tortured any cats (to be debated, heh heh...).  In the eyes of the God I serve, I'm just as sinful and screwed up as the people who do murder others.  That concept, understandably, is really difficult for people to understand, especially in the world of secular humanism.  In terms of what's fair in the eyes of the world, those who murder and act out evil should be considered not as inherently good as those who feed starving children in Africa.  I do not wish to debate theologically on any of this, I merely want to remind everyone reading that I have my fair share of crap inside and out and am only considered anything good and worthwhile because I am FORGIVEN.

Let's not preach, shall we?  I merely want to remember to be humble and to give the glory to the Big Guy upstairs for the outpouring of blessings in my life.  Even if it looks technically "good" that I moved over to India to help those "less fortunate," truth be told, I had a load of very ugly and selfish moments during my time there...ask one of my absolute best friends who witnessed it, Cory.

May my season of blessings serve to encourage others to see the goodness of God and that in the world we live in, we need to call on that far more often than we do.  God is all powerful, all knowing, and all loving...and wants to take each one of us into a life of incredible fulfillment.  And for those of you doubting that this is possible or true, get in touch with me and I will share with you the nuts and bolts of who I was when I was trying to do life on my own strength...and compare that with the way I am blessed and taken care of in this season (only through submitting my life to the Lord)...and tell me God isn't real.  Sure, not every season will bear such comfort and greatness (um, hello, the least six months in India were HARD and PAINFUL!) but the Lord is faithful to bring us to places of rest when we need to feel His covering and love the most.  So, after an indescribably challenging time in India, God has granted me incredible solace and has freed me up to share His blessings with those around me.

He gives and takes away.

A Deep Breath.

Take a deep breath.

Inhale...

exhale.

Today is a day in which I feel I am spinning outside my own universe, looking in on my life and desperately reaching out to grasp at it...but I'm too far away.  I am at a disconnect.  This is one of those moments in which I am paralyzed by the reality of who I am and where I am...and wondering what to make of all of it.  Truth: I usually do well at loving my character and the stuff I have inside me to offer the world.  Another truth: if I'm not using those traits and gifts for a purpose I find worthy, I immediately feel...disconnected.

I realize life is full of ebbs and flows, ups and downs, rights and wrongs...but what I want and what I've always wanted is consistency in doing the things I'm passionate about and doing them well.  I can't blame the rest of the world or the hand of cards I find myself staring at when I don't have that consistency...it's not just the situation I was was dealt, it's ME.

Mediocrity pisses me off more than anything, especially when incredible people with incredible potential give into it...yet all too often I look in the mirror and see a person who settles exactly for that.  Settling.  Ugh.  I can see it so clearly in the lives of those around me and can even speak encouragement and love to the people I care most about who are bearing the weight of mediocrity...but when it comes to myself, I tend to ignore and allow the complacency to fester, all the while growing increasingly unsatisfied yet doing little about it.  What is wrong with me that I would allow my passion to fizzle so easily?

Tomorrow is NOT the day.  TODAY is the day.  Anything worth doing "tomorrow" is worth doing today, right now.  Otherwise, what the hell are we doing if we are living constantly for tomorrow?

I would say, not living at all.

A Wave of the Sea.

The older I get the more I realize just how volatile and fickle the heart really is.  When I say "heart" I am referring to the part of us that allows us to feel, the part that often takes over and pushes the head/logical/thinking part out of the way. One of the most blaring ways in which I find myself adjusting to life as it is now, is in my sensitivity or barometer to the measure of depth around me. I feel I need to explain that better:  what I mean to say is that each day is filled with moments that are varying in depth; some moments are touching, sweet, difficult, contemplative, meaningful, and deep, and other moments are superficial, fun, filled with laughter and, ultimately, not as deep.  Though I enjoy the latter, I find that I am measuring the depth of each of my moments and feeling that I don't relate as easily to the moments that are supposed to be "fun" and easy to take in. Part of me feels exposed and even guilty in those moments, like I shouldn't be feeling them and I should instead be feeling something more imposing, something more substantial.

I fear I'm not making sense but I have to try and express what I mean. In layman's terms, I'm having a tough time easily having fun right now. There are certain triggers surrounding India and my experiences there that come up from time to time and leave me feeling paralyzed within them. The mere thought of India is filled with such emotion, happy and sad...and everything in between...that often I feel like I can't even think about it at all if I have any hope of reaching the place where I can let loose and have fun.

I have felt really blessed this last week as I have spent a lot of time with people I haven't seen in a while and that really makes me happy...and I have actually had a good deal of fun. But somewhere deep inside, I feel the emptiness that India has left in me...an emptiness that is not filled by anything else right now. I know that's part of this process, letting myself come to terms with the emptiness in hopes of seeing it in a positive light eventually. For the time being, I sort of just feel this nondescript void that I'm not sure how to deal with. It's like the elephant in the room...I can't get around it and I can't get rid of it...but I don't know how to face it head on because it's bigger than me and heavier than anything I could ever lift on my own.

Slowly I progress through this mess that is me, realizing that there is plenty of goodness to revel in along the way...as long as I'm looking for it.

Joy In the Journey.

I've been back in the States for 3 weeks now, though it feels like a lot longer than that. The first week I was home felt nearly impossible...in many ways. I was hit hard with my need for time for adjustment, patience, grace...things I wasn't easily granting myself. Week two was a bit easier. I found myself settling into just being and not always doing, something that was instantly a challenge for me upon my return. My feeling is that more than anything else I want to know I'm being used and have a specific purpose I'm working toward in life, something I knew was happening in India, but I wasn't so sure was happening here at home.

I have since come to feel extremely blessed and joyful in my life. I may not have everything figured out but I am surrounded by incredible people that love me for who I am. I have only been back in Orange County for five days and I have spent every day with different people that care about me. Even though I don't have a job just yet, I see that as a blessing. I have an abundance of free time and am filling it with things that are good for my soul, things I really need to do as I'm jumping back into real life.

Nothing really profound or super snazzy will come out of this blog post, but I want to write down how I feel each step of the way as I'm learning to process the past 6 months of insanity that was my life. I am beyond grateful for friends and family and more than ever really feel that they are what makes life sweet. Not every day is a complete walk in the park, as I still feel myself recoil a little in large groups and tend to keep certain things to myself as I'm processing, but I'm ok with that. I am learning to sort out a heaping pile of experiences, emotions, and lessons and I know it will take a lot of time so I'm unwilling to rush myself. In the meantime I am finding joy each and every day in the little things that make up my life...like sunshine, sushi, library books, running in a beautiful area, and sharing laughs with people I really appreciate. Regardless of all the tough stuff I am facing internally, I am pleased that I've finally found the joy in my journey.

To Love.

I know of only one duty, and that is to love.

-Albert Camus

It's incredible, the healing power of love...sometimes more for the lover than the loved.  When we choose to deeply, intentionally, and wholly love someone else, the effects are truly life-giving.

That is all.

A Post About Home.

I am home from India.  Actually, I have been home for nearly 9 days and this seemed to be the soonest I was ready to post something real about just that, being home.

Spending 6 months in a foreign country as a volunteer/missionary was hard.  Hard probably is the understatement of the year and doesn't really begin to cover the depth of the experience.  Though I say "hard" I don't mean to leave a negative connotation hanging in the air to be misinterpreted.  It was also very good.

And, now I'm home.  Though depending on the timing of my life I have used many different factors to determine what "home" actually is, at this point it is where my family is.  I don't feel I have any other home at the moment, I suppose that is the nature of residing within a season of transition.  It's good to be home...and it's also vulnerable.  Home isn't only where your heart is, it's also where your heart is laid bare and suddenly you are the truest form of yourself.  And that can be scary.

When I was in India, I had many moments in which I wanted nothing more than to be home...meaning back in the States, near my family, and surrounded by all the things I deemed as comfortable.  Now I am here and feel more than a little disillusioned by it all.  I am working hard to give myself extra grace during my time of reverse culture shock but I can't help but feel at moments that I wish I were back.  This is probably a textbook case of the Grass is Always Greener mentality, as I was relieved and ready to leave India when I did.  It's just that I wish I had done more, been more, seen more, stretched myself even further.  I'm not one to sit long in the cesspool of regret so I won't allow myself to live behind today.  I will however, continue to live becoming better equipped by what I have gone through.

It's bizarre how much I am willing to stay inside my head and process what's just taken place in my life...considering I have had a difficult time doing the simplest of tasks lately like choosing clothes to wear or grocery shopping.  Having to make any decision at all feels a little unnatural and overwhelming.  I have only to give myself time to readjust and relearn what I already know so well...it's just getting my heart and emotions to follow suit that is the challenge.

In less words, I am happy to be home.  Every day is presenting me with something new to test my patience and my resistance.  I am glad to have a close source of hope and a loving family by my side.  Thank you to all who supported me during my time away.  This life is nothing without people to share your trials and happiness with.

Today?

Today, I am thankful.

Today, I am scared.

Today, my insides ache.

Today, I am appreciating old friends while yearning to strengthen relationships with new ones.

Today, I am missing India, even though I didn't think I would.

Today, I am grappling with making an old life new and placing a new life behind me...yet I can't make sense of anything, old or new.

Today, I am overwhelmed at the familiar and underwhelmed at the expected.

Today, I seem to know what I want yet can't figure out how to get there.

Today, I feel a little lost, a little tired, a little disoriented, a little hopeful.

Dear India...

Dear India,

It is 5:20 am and I have been faced with the choice to either sleep for an hour or blog...that's right, I have not yet slept tonight as the craziness of preparing to leave has forced me awake. As deliciously tempting as an hour nap sounds before I have to embark on 24 straight hours of travel, I feel I owe you more than a fleeting thought. So, blog it is.

You and I have gotten to know each other well these past 5 1/2 months. We are more than contemporaries or acquaintances and more like...soul mates, kindred spirits even. As surprisingly different as we are (diametric opposites perhaps), we have found a way into each other's hearts, the good mingled intimately with the bad.

When I first met you I had no idea what to expect. I was scared, excited, thrilled, and on sensory overload. There you were in all your complex beauty; raw, real, and not even trying to hide your flaws. You were intimidating. You were inspiring. You were so foreign from everything I had ever known, yet somehow I felt drawn to you. The more I got to know you, the more I realized how many layers you had...sometimes you withheld yourself in ways that frustrated me and sometimes you revealed yourself in ways that left me in awe. You are a bizarre conundrum, the best part being that you make no qualms about it.

I have to admit, somewhat bashfully, that you have seen every side of me...sides I thought were forever dormant. You saw my tears and my triumphs, heard my laughs and my screams. You broke me down into the tiniest fragments of myself while simultaneously bestowing on me many treasures that will change the course of my life forever.

As much as I wanted to hit and kick you in my moments of turmoil, I admit that your trials presented me a view into the world that I had never seen. Like using alcohol to treat a wound, you burned like hell yet somehow made me better, cleaner, and sent me down the road to healing. You amazed me, surprised me, infuriated me, made me feel on top of the world, made me feel worthless, challenged me, slapped me around, and even made me physically ill...but the most valuable thing you ever did for me was teach me.

I can't say for sure why you chose me to come here, but it's undeniable that you did. I'm sure in due time I will gain more understanding of everything I have seen and done with you, even the parts I don't like remembering much.

As I now prepare to leave you, it is with a bitter-sweet spring in my step. I am ready to leave your certain oppressions and sufferings yet I am afraid to fly ahead for fear I may have missed something you wished to show me. I take great comfort in knowing that you will always be a part of me, no matter where this life may lead, and will therefore never cease to affect my very being. You are curious and unique and though I will never understand you completely, I will never stop appreciating you. Thank you for touching parts of my heart that I almost forgot existed.

You have been life's greatest challenge in my quarter century of existence, yet somewhere inside I know you have also been life's greatest gift.

With the deepest of sincerity and gratitude,

Elana

Milk was a bad choice.

I should be sleeping instead of blogging...but the last several nights I haven't been able to fall asleep until well after 2 or 3am. My goal was to be in bed and asleep by midnight...it's almost 1am. I guess next time I should adjust for a more attainable goal?

I have been thinking a lot about leaving India and what that means for me in the way of closing this chapter, beginning a new one, and figuring out all the pages in between. I couldn't begin to describe my emotions at my current situation but I do know I'm feeling restless and ready for some of the old familiar. Since no detectible levels of processing seem to be occurring in my cerebral real estate, I will move on to more trivial matters.

A few nights ago I went out to see Iron Man 2. I know this might sound so ridiculous, but I wasn't even aware they had movies playing here that are in English without subtitles. In nearly five months, this is the first movie I have gone to (why didn't I know about this phenomenon earlier?!). We went with a new friend who is Indian-American and is studying at a medical college next door to where we live. Being that she is an American transplant, she understands so much of what we have gone through during our time here. It was refreshing to share some discussions and laughs with someone who gets our cultural nuances.

Seeing a movie here is like crossing the border of a militarized country; they search you and the contents of your bag more thoroughly than a high security airport. I was totally busted when they discovered a bag of gummi bears hiding in my purse; they take their food crimes here very seriously. I watched as they temporarily confiscated my snacks and my digital camera battery...yet made no mention of the relatively large pocket knife keeping company with the always perilous gummi samurais and the radioactive battery laser gun. Go figure. They were lucky I wasn't there to stab the employees and make off with all the rupees I could carry.

The only draw backs to my movie going experience (minus the search and seizure bit) were two wholly obnoxious, loud, and crude guys sitting a couple of rows back from us. They were the only ones in the entire theater who thought they had riotous senses of humor...and trust me, they DIDN'T. If I would have heard ONE more comment about Scarlett Johannson's butt mingling in a sentence with the phrase, "your mom...," "last night...," or "*&$%#"...things might have gotten even uglier than their foul sailor mouths. They were Indian-American, also come back to the motherland to study medicine; God help me if I ever wake up in the ER peering into one of their faces. I shudder at the thought.

It's really no wonder why the world hates Americans, producing such upstanding citizens and all.

With that, it is bedtime. Goodnight, India. Goodnight, America. Goodnight, American dudes living in India studying medicine at a nearby college working so hard at your school assignments that you have zero intellectual activity available for use by the end of the night when you are at the movies...you should have stayed at home.

Re-entering the Atmosphere.

Living in India has been hard.

Very hard.

But, today, a taste of "real life" hit me and I was reminded of the world I am about to step back into. I received an email from my student loan company reminding me of a payment due...and suddenly, to my dismay, I was reconciling, adding, subtracting, calculating, planning, calendaring, and spreadsheet-ing.

It's been over four months since I have paid a single bill.

Until today.

And suddenly my life is once again on the verge of the mayhem I couldn't wait to leave behind last winter. This is a prime example of why the Grass is Always Greener Theory is bologna: while I was in the States last year I was working a job I hated in the corporate world and struggling to get on my feet as a new college grad. The idea of coming to India was romantic in it's anticipated simplicity, yet once I arrived and was faced with the realities of this foreign environment, I began to pine for those comforts I left behind. I have since adjusted as best as possible to this parallel universe but this ultimate truth prevails: every situation has its downside and its silver lining...no matter where I go and what I do, I will always struggle under varying degrees of discontent.

Simultaneously ending this chapter and beginning a new one in "familiar" life is already starting to present challenges. I am out of mainstream American culture; I am clueless on current events, newly released movies and music, and all other things typical-pop-culture. Where do I begin to reintegrate after becoming so separate and how much do I actually desire to seamlessly fall into the cushy consumeristic lifestyle I once knew? I am disconnected yet longing for my roots; I have yet to find the ideal balance between the two. I desire to stay aware, alert, and sensitive to the world but part of me also looks forward to shutting everything out and sleeping for a week straight to rebuild myself upon returning home. I am stuck somewhere between responsible world-citizenship and feeling superficiality beginning to suck me back into certain aspects of life. How can I live the way I did knowing what I now know?

Impossible.

As I figure it out, in the meantime I want to appreciate everything about India that I like and love while it's still at my fingertips. I am also anticipating many things about the States that I haven't seen/tasted/smelled/experienced for the last 4 1/2 months (it will be nearly 6 by the time I return home...)

-avocados

-cake (cream cheese frosting and fresh strawberries included)

-CHEESEBURGERS (namely those of the In 'n Out and TK Burger variety)

-mom's home cooking

-sandwiches

-salads

-Bagels

-endless amounts of fresh fruits and vegetables (except cauliflower and potatoes, had my fill of those here)

Beyond food items, I am also looking forward to going to the beach, my friends being only a phone call away, comfy couches, and summer BBQs.

For everything I have learned here and am still learning, the lesson of appreciating all I have been blessed with is a frontrunner at the moment. I am looking forward to feeling embraced and comfortable for a time so that I can restore myself and really begin to absorb all I have collected from this endlessly difficult, beautiful, and complicated culture.

I can't think of anything else thoughtful to say, I fear I am too overwhelmed with thoughts to birth anything more that's even remotely cohesive. Adding insult to injury, I am very hungry and completely exhausted. Once again, I have stayed up too late and am allowing myself to be distracted by what's to come. Even if my blog post doesn't reveal my desire to finish strong here in India, I'm truly wanting to make sure I leave a bit of something useful and meaningful behind; I have put in too much to not go out with a bang (for lack of a better descriptive). I have a lot of work to do in the next 14 days.

See you all in 5 1/2 weeks...