Tuesday, July 21, 2009

One Red Balloon.

Yesterday I flew back from shooting a wedding up north for the weekend. While preparing to land at John Wayne airport, I was looking out the window watching the ground get closer and closer...when I suddenly spotted a red balloon passing by. I was so caught off guard at the sight of a lone balloon floating by my airplane window that I didn't quite believe what I had just seen.

Just then, I knew that life was fragile and often so much like a lonely balloon floating in a vast atmosphere, jumbo jets zooming by with an air of impending danger.

And if I'm as fragile as a little balloon in a sky full of airplanes, then I don't know how I haven't popped yet...but I'm thankful to at least be airborne.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The hardest fall.

It's getting late and I feel mentally spent but I can't seem to sleep.

I have moments in life in which I feel utterly confident in the woman I am and who I was created to be. I am capable of many things, including taking care of myself. What throws me off my guard is experiencing other moments in which I completely doubt who I am, what I am made of, and where I am headed. I falter. I fret. I fear. I look around me and struggle to contemplate the things I see and those I love. I feel like a small child unsure of herself and unready to deal with life's worst pains. Rejection. Heartache. Loneliness. Aimlessness. It is during these weak and transparent times that my insecurities become so blaringly obvious that I'm sure everyone around me can see them...and I'm unsure whether to run away or stay put and blurt them out in some half-assed attempt to over-compensate.

I fear the way in which I peg myself as fickle, composed of a heart that is easily persuaded, sometimes equally by lies and truth. I look inside myself and see the makings of a solid and confident individual...but then I wonder why I seem to fall short of this obvious potential. What is it I'm looking for, waiting for, needing?

I completed a pretty big art project tonight for a charity event happening this weekend. It looked pretty cool. I took it to my church to drop it off and other members of our participating visual arts team praised my piece highly.

And I found myself incredibly uncomfortable.

This may sound like mere modesty, but to have a heart-on-my-sleeve moment, I am not a modest person. I am used to being good at nearly everything I do and I am used to being praised...and I know I possess above-average artistic skills. Why did I find myself suddenly shrouded in modesty? When I asked myself why this happened I realized that what I was experiencing wasn't modest humility but immense amounts of pride. Not the kind of pride where you can stick your chest out in a gesture of an obvious job-well-done, but the kind of pride that shadows itself in a modest package, leading the owner to believe it's a justifiable action. But what I realized is just how much my insecurities come from a place of pity, a place of self-centeredness, a place of ultimate pride. I could look at my art piece and recognize the beauty and success in it yet something in me felt the need to be approved through it on more than a surface level. I needed to be seen, more than for just my art, I needed to be understood at my core. One of my biggest fears is that no one will truly see me in this life, that I will be misunderstood, taken for granted, written off as less than I am. Therein lies my ugly pride. This isn't translating from my brain to my fingers very well at the moment...I don't think I'm making sense, it's difficult to articulate what I mean...and I'm rarely at a loss for words.

What I am ultimately seeking is definition in life. I am told over and over and in many ways that I should find my definition in the Lord...and I do to an extent but there is so much more to the tangible me that needs to be defined based on things I can see, touch, experience in a day to day setting...more than just in a spiritual sense. Maybe I am wrong for thinking that and I am attempting to be OF the world rather than IN it...but in this moment I can't help but convey my very real struggle. I am often times too transparent...and don't guard my heart well.

I think it's incredibly difficult for me to be working a job that I won't allow to define me because I dislike it so much and find that is goes so sharply against the grain of my being. I once read a very insightful book geared towards women that pointed out just how much we were created to be defined by the things and people we surround ourselves with. I guess this is to say we do this much more than men (to make a vast generalization). I know there is a relevant point somewhere in there but it's lost on me tonight. I guess I just mean to justify that it's ok to want to define myself in these ways...if it's written in a book it must be legitimate...right? Hint of sarcasm..?

I have reached the end of my ability to process for the time being...and as is probably obvious, I don't come to that point easily.

Forgive this random aside...
but thanks to an amazing Google program I am able to see the rough location of the visitors who hit my blog...and I received 8 hits from the same city in Brazil yesterday...and that's not to downplay the hits I got from Israel, Saudi Arabia, Belgium, Taiwan, and Serbia! How are these people finding my blog? It's kind of amazing...if you found me in some random way, comment on a post, I would love to know who you are.

It's a really strange feeling knowing that my personal musings are circling the globe...I wonder if there is something bigger to be had from this little old blog of mine.

Perhaps someday I will have an amazing story to tell becuase of it.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

"i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)"

Thank you, ee cummings.

I have felt especially nostalgic this past weekend. Nostalgic for friends that have come and gone, friends that are still in my heart though not in my presence. While searching through old pictures on an external hard drive a couple days ago, I came across this gem of a video that I made a long time ago, watched it, and found myself tearing up as my heart welled with so much love for the pictured individuals. Friends truly are an extension of your family and I, for one, am thrilled that my family keeps growing...though nothing will ever replace these lovlies in my heart. Cheers to some of the best days of my life thus far...albeit intermingled with some of the hardest...thanks for being my extended family. Wherever you are in this moment (Africa, Colorado, California, Arizona, Oregon) I want you to know what you mean to me. Infinite x's and o's!

And for my dear friend who is currently deeply hurting (you know who you are), I offer a special dedication to you. You are loved. You are valuable. And I am so glad I know you.

I'm awfully cheesey when I want to be, but in some cases it's worth it.


Friday, July 10, 2009

Life in Technicolor

How is it that this week has felt more like a month yet I already find myself happily perched on the edge of my weekend? Strange. I guess each day this week has held a different challenge of sorts, but I can look back and see just how blessed I have been through each one. I suppose it's safe to say I have covered a lot of ground in a short amount of time.

I also started a diet this week...and now all I think about is freaking food. Food. All the time. FOOD. Every waking moment I am thinking about what I am going to eat next, what I WISH I could be eating, how badly I want results. I am a girl obsessed...and I'm not sure I like it. Is there truth in being fat and happy? I guess until you die of a heart attack...

Not that I'm fat. I could hear your thoughts..."she is so NOT fat!" I personally get extremely annoyed when non-fat people call themselves fat in that woe-is-me tone of voice that makes you want to hit them. My motivation for watching what I eat is a healthy one, I am looking to lose some fat and gain some muscle, not lose a bunch of weight because I'm overweight. Kapeesh?

Anyway, coupled with my dieting, I have (potentially regretfully) embarked on a really gnarly workout program...the always-dreaded P90x. I am still sore from my workout 3 days ago. I am looking forward to doing the yoga workout tonight, something I know I can at least get through (I hope).

In other news, I am FINALLY embarking on a longtime coming adventure to New York City in September. Somehow, by the grace of God, I managed to get 6 days off of work to spend an amazing ten days in a place I have wanted to visit forever. To make matters so much better, I am getting to spend time in Boston with some friends of mine that I love. Oh, I nearly forgot the cherry on top of this hugely fattening, scrumptious, and delectable sundae...I'm seeing U2 and Snow Patrol in concert while I'm in Boston!!! Jealous yet?! That makes for 2 things I get to check off the list of things to do before I die...

I think I'm hungry...or is it that I am just thinking obscene thoughts about food...mmmm cake.

Monday, July 6, 2009

God bless the daylight, the sugary smell of springtime...

What a weekend. I quite enjoyed celebrating our country's independence. With my visiting big sister in tow, we romped all over Newport Beach enjoying the sunshine, the crowds, and the timeless nostalgia of our 70's inspired red, white, and blue outfits, complete with tube socks, Chucks, and body glitter. It was good to bask in the carefree summer-ness of the long weekend before embarking back to real life and the mundane humdrum of the day to day. Last night I was privileged enough to skip all the way to Hollywood to see Death Cab at the Hollywood Bowl with my lovely and dear friend. It was truly an epic show complete with special guests...let's just say backing an already amazing band with the LA Philharmonic was a brilliant choice. Throw in some synchronized fireworks with the blazing glory of the Hollywood sign in the background, and you have the makings for one memorable performance. Thanks, DCFC. I'm now an even bigger fan...if that's possible.

Today holds a bit of a waiting game for me as I nervously anticipate news that could be potentially life-changing, troubling, and terrifying. It's in this moment that I am reminded how deeply freeing it is to be surrendered to a God who is bigger than my biggest fears...and trust me, my fears can be HUGE. I look ahead and I see a lot of hope, a lot of life, and a lot of joy being prepared for me and I thank God in advance for His strength to find all these things in the midst of trials. I'm prepared to walk into the storm armed and ready to face whatever comes my way knowing that I live an intentional existence backed by the ultimate source of love and guidance.

3:30pm, hurry up and get here.

I think I'm ready.