Friday, December 25, 2009

The Eve of Things New and Old.

What a delicious whirlwind of chaos my life has become lately. Preparing to move out of the country is not a small task and has far outgrown the shiny ideal situation that has long danced in my mind. I have been dreaming for months (years even) that selling off my belongings and jet-setting across the globe to help people in need and live an adventurous and meaningful existence would be all rainbows and butterflies as I skipped along toward my destiny...yet I now find that my ideals are a long way from reality, about as far from truth as this run-on sentence is long. I must admit that as hard as the reality actually is, it's already proved far more rewarding than I thought it would.

Beyond the jumbled mess of logistics that ensue when doing something as monumental as moving halfway across the world, the emotional, spiritual, and mental implications that come with a huge life change are heavy. I have done my best to prepare for the adventure on which I am about to embark, but I believe that almost nothing could prepare me for the things I will soon face, the sights I will see, and the ways in which I will be changed, challenged, and stretched. It is all starting to finally sink in...I am moving to India in roughly 43 hours.


Though I have had my bouts of materialistic temptations, I have always considered myself a fairly level-headed person when it comes to owning, hording, and acquiring "stuff." Though I appreciate my comforts as much as the next money-mongering American citizen (ha), I have always felt proud of my hippie much so that I have boosted my confidence enough to believe I could live off nothing more than the earth itself...if I REALLY wanted to.


Let's face it, I'm a complete baby when it comes to my things and parting with them...and it took me selling off much of what I own to realize this. I spent a large part of my Christmas Eve sorting and packing...and as I looked at the meager amount of belongs I will soon be living off of, I started to panic. No cell wardrobe of "choices" shoe accessories or purses Something in me snapped and I felt terrified at losing my things, the things I had always thought I could let go of at any moment. Denial: the first clue that I'm an addict.

And so, as I sheepishly face my stuff-addiction and work to swallow my pride, I realize that I am not above the things of the world that easily trap us and blind us to our own vices. Truly, I am excited to be broken of my consumer-driven ways and to begin to see life as a collection of precious moments, not shoes. I hate to sound so shallow...but I suppose in many ways I am. I think that is much of what drives me to want to get out of my comfort zone and reach out to those in need...because I really have no idea how not to be shallow about certain things. I want to be challenged to face the parts of myself that are insecure without all the fluff to hide behind.

I look forward to sharing more about myself and the things I am learning as I venture out into the great unknown...not to brag or boast, but merely to offer a bit of my reality to hopefully challenge your own.

Seeing as it is already Christmas, I feel the need to share just how thankful I am that God loves us so deeply that He gave us Jesus as the way to gain eternal life. It's funny how elementary it sounds, but sometimes I need to be reminded that it is for that reason alone that I am even moving to share with others what it means to know Jesus personally. The love I know in Christ is so vivid, tangible, and complete and I am called to share that with the ends of the hard as that will be at times.

I am also so thankful for my family, blood related as well as extended. Without my parents I probably wouldn't be able to even go to India; they have given me so much to support me in every way and I am forever indebted to their incredible love and encouragement. I am also so grateful for my amazing sister who inspires me daily with her insane amounts of creativity and the way in which she sees the world around her. I am deeply grieving having to leave my family...but I know it is only for a time. Beyond my blood relations, I have to acknowledge my lovely friend Tracy who has seen me through the best and worst times of my life. She is truly a sister to me and regardless of time or distance, we always pick up right where we left off. I am thankful for her heart, her passion, her sense of humor, and her unconditional love for me even when I suck at being a friend. And to my friend Sara, a dear and gentle spirit, I am very thankful for the way in which she loves me...with so much warmth and encouragement. She actually just got engaged tonight and as ecstatic as I am for her and her wonderful fiance, I am once again reminded of the things I am leaving behind and am saddened that I will not be here to be apart of her joys and stresses as she plans her big day. Finally, I want to share how thankful I am for my kindred spirit, Cory. I am about to embark on this crazy adventure and I comforted to know that he will be at my side through all of it. He is so special to me and our lives have already been so filled with insane parallels, coincidences, and happenstance that I am excited to see what lies ahead, it's sure to rock my socks off.

Apparently my long-windedness has once again turned my post into a novel. I haven't really blogged in a while...consider it a back-log of cranial goodies.

And with that, I bid you farewell and Merry Christmas...I won't be posting for a while, probably at least until I arrive in Delhi, India on January 9.

In that case, Happy New Year!

2010 is going to be a good one.

Friday, December 18, 2009

An end and a beginning.

For weeks I have wanted to write something to try and capture this intricate and delicate time in my life.

I am leaving for India in 9 days.

And as much as is weighing on my mind and heart at this very moment...I cannot begin to find the words to express how I am feeling.

Stay tuned. I promise I will get better at this.