Sunday, April 26, 2009

I will follow you into the dark.

I have approached my blog several times in the past couple of weeks fully intending to post something, yet I haven't been able to accomplish that...and the reason why is not simple. I am in a constant state of flux in my life, things are relentlessly changing, growing, and reshaping themselves and I have yet to be able to find any semblance of how they might turn out. It is exciting while equally terrifying, a paradox that often lends itself to confusion and conflicting emotions. It's hard to be in a place where the unknown wakes me up every morning and tucks me in every night. I would be lying if I said it wasn't nearly impossible at least several moments of each least of late. It's hard to put into words everything that is swimming around in my head.

One thing that has formed and is beginning to show me a way to run (at least for the very near future) is my passion for photography. Yes, I have been a "photographer" for a while, yes, I have a degree in photography...but after I finished school at the end of last year, I felt myself reach a level of burn out I had never before experienced. Graduating was one of the most anti-climactic events of my life thus far and, conversely, one of the biggest emotional releases I have ever felt...though it was gradual and I didn't realize I had experienced it until 3 months later. Before 6 days ago, I hadn't looked at, touched, used, or even SEEN my camera equipment since school. I put everything in the back of my closet, I needed it out of my life, if only for a time. I needed to know that photography was still my passion, my lifeblood, and the only way I would find that out is if I let myself get away mentally and emotionally from the trials of college and re-find myself as a young, budding, vibrant photographer. I was sure all hope was lost and that perhaps I would never pursue what I spent countless hours perfecting in college ( I even encountered thoughts of wanting to sell my camera)...then, last weekend, I was called on to shoot an incredibly simple and low-key event...and suddenly there I was, feeling like I had regained a lost appendage. Camera in hand, I felt confident, I felt myself. And thus begins my true journey of passion into photography, one that doesn't have my education as the driving force behind it. I am shooting another event tonight...and I'm hoping to book another couple events this summer that are in the works. After rotting away for a couple of months in a corporate job, I am ready to be who I was created to be. Living out passions and dreams is a difficult undertaking and often takes a lot of courage...and leaves behind a lot of carnage. But here I am, ready and finally moving forward in some way...even if it is into the dark.

And now, for the real task at hand: waiting for what's next.

In the meantime, I am going to relax poolside for a while, shed the residual of last night's events (happy 21st birthday, Auds), and let myself bask in the beauty found in living within the great least until the next impossible moments remind that life is hard.

Sunday, April 12, 2009


What a strange and beautiful life I lead.

It is amazing and wonderful the way that life becomes a series of varied relational connections, all strung together as fragile yet as bright as a string of Chinese lanterns. Thank you to those "lanterns" in my life. Today alone I was reminded through several important people, whom I love dearly, that I am valuable, worthwhile, beautiful, complex, and grounded. Love from others truly does give you wings when you most need them.

I am chomping at the bit to see what will happen for me this year...several doors seem to be opening in the way of making some big plans, but I don't want to jump the gun on anything either. I am planning to stay alert yet intentional in the way I move forward.

But I also feel on the verge of embarking upon a great adventure...stay tuned, the story is just beginning.

And Happy Easter.

He is risen. He is risen, indeed.

Friday, April 3, 2009

'nough said.

For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

1 Corinthians 1:25

Thursday, April 2, 2009

The triumphs and the tragedies.

I have basically had a horrible day. Ok, let's not boo and hiss over it too much, it happens to every one now and again and I'm irked at the thought of being recognized as over-dramatic, though I am. This is the latest I have stayed up in more than a week. My head is saturated with thoughts and dreams, terrors and fears...real and imagined. I have a lot coming up for me this year, some of which I am aware of and some I only feel as a deep gut intuition. I have always had extremely spot-on intuitions about things...sometimes even verging on premonitions. I don't claim the psychic card whatsoever, but I have found that I have a keen sense of the world around least when I want to. Other times I am blaringly dense and oblivious. I think something inside me makes that choice at times, mainly so I don't have to face being so damn aware of (and therefore responsible for) things. Who can say if ignorance is really bliss, but it sure is easier a lot of the time.

There are some things in life that you cannot hide from or fake ignorance to, at least for very long. I am facing some of those things now. I am one of the most stubborn people you will meet and it is on this fact that I can bet my life that I won't go down without a fight...which probably means I won't go down at all, in the sense of letting these "things" get the better of me. Yes, life is hard and blah di blah so on and so forth. What really gets me is when I get so caught up in trying to live WELL that I forget to live at all.

I am reading this really dark and depressing novel right now. I am rather enjoying angsting out someone else's story instead of my own. I have been to the darkest depths of myself before and I have no desire to return to that void in all it's relentless unforgiveness and insecurity. Ick.

It just occurred to me that blogs are a rather self-centered creation. Sure, I suppose some people use them to the good of mankind or merely in a utilitarian way, but for most others it is a way to be heard...even if no one is listening. Who the heck would be able to say that they blog solely for their own good? Yes it's cathartic and can be therapeutic but it absolutely would not have the same effect if we knew no one would ever read it. That's why we have journals, diaries, memos, whatever you want to call them.

And here I sit, formulating my somewhat good intentioned cry to my little universe, hoping someone will validate me by way of a proverbial pat on the back. And for what?

The triumphs and the tragedies.

Boy am I tired and cranky.

Sorry to spew, I'm just tired as ever and need a vacation away from today. That is why I LOVE sleep.