Tuesday Night

Current soundtrack: The Holly and the Ivy by George Winston, from the album December (one of my favorite pieces of music in existence)


up into the silence the green...(41)
by e.e. cummings

up into the silence the green
silence with a white earth in it

you will(kiss me)go

out into the morning the young
morning with a warm world in it

(kiss me)you will go

on into the sunlight the fine
sunlight with a firm day in it

you will go(kiss me

down into your memory and
a memory and memory

i)kiss me,(will go)


Though I won't claim to be any kind of versed poetry buff, I must say that my favorite poet (from my limited exposure) is e.e. cummings. I often read his work and wonder what was churning in that brilliant, most likely misunderstood mind of his. The way he throws structure and functionality to the wind is inspiring. He breaks all the rules and creates nothing more that what is true to himself. Though best known for his poetry, he was also an artist...
What strikes me most about e.e. cummings is how much I resonate with his creative spirit. His poetry seems confused, disjointed...yet I find it speaks so much of what is inside myself. I am often struggling with so much at my core that is confused and disjointed, so much feeling that I fear I might reach a moment in which I will explode.


I can't contain it yet I can't let it out either.


I understand why so many great artists were perceived as insane...if any other human being were to venture inside my mind and heart, they might perceive me no differently...not to coin myself a great artist in any way...but I can't escape my artist's heart, insanity and all. I am so complex that I can't even crack my own code, my own melancholic being, the angst of my existence. I was created an immensely creative and deep individual...and as much as I appreciate that about myself, at times I wish I were simpler and more straight-forward, that things didn't reach me at the depth they do, that I didn't have so much passion that it hurt. Can't I live a content existence as a simple person who sets their mind in the joys of the every day? Can't I stay put, plant roots, grow without always having to run and run and run...?

I can't. I am restless. Full of a thousand tears shed for the lust of wanting more. More for my life. More for me.

To do more.

To see more.

To help more.

To experience more.

To love more.

To touch more.

MORE.

I wish I could share with the abyss of the internet the plans that are stirring inside my heart...the ways in which I am planning to become more. Based solely on principal and stubbornness, I have committed to myself to not talk to very many people about my "plans" until they are happening. I want to become who I am meant to become uninhibited by the perceived opinions of those around me. Don't get me wrong, I love the people who speak into my life...but this stems from a place in me that is deeper than almost anyone could reach. I have to do this one on my own. And I'm terrified to be yanked from my comfort zone and thrust into the uncontainable Unknown. It's big and it's new. And I'm blind to its ways...but I think I'm ready for the challenge of tackling it. I shudder to think...but my very soul tingles with anticipation, passion, and immense determination.

To the great Unknown: may you receive me with open arms and an air of adventure and may I return the favor with grace, poise, and dignity.

The Dressing Room Conversion: A Tale of Shopping Gone Awry (Perhaps for the Good of Mankind)

Bear with me here as I am truly already half asleep yet my mind is a blur with many blog-worthy thoughts...at least thoughts I deem as blog-worthy...and since I am the author of this blog, you will have no choice but to agree...or stop reading...but please just agree and continue.

Announcement of the day:

Unless something unforeseen, unexpected, dramatic, and rather ugly takes place, I will be going to India on a missions trip with Rock Harbor Church for 2 weeks at the end of December.

Thank goodness I don't have to come up with the always dreaded plan for New Years...cheers to ringing in 2010 halfway across the globe! Perhaps I will have a pleasant holiday this time...but that (plus the fact that I usually endure rather drab New Years celebrations) is neither here nor there. Really, neither is the fact that I am going on this trip, I just needed the appropriate segue into the real meat and potatoes...

Considering the trip at hand and other life lessons of late, I have really changed the way in which I spend and look at money. I have always been rather self-indulgent when it comes to spending money and to my deep dismay and shame, I have learned the hard way how to control my spending. I am quite happy to report that I have been doing astonishingly well. I have managed to not only stop buying most things I deem as unnecessary, but I have also saved a little money too.

Then today happened.

I caught wind a couple of weeks ago about a mythical Forever 21 that was the size of a department store. I tried to plug my ears and hum a tune of distraction, but something in me needed to see if said oasis of shopping really existed. After waiting patiently for pay day, my roommate and I jutted off to the mecca of "cheap" shopping and found this place to be very real indeed. I set a budget before walking in the door knowing that I was bound to negotiate myself into spending far greater sums of money than was even close to necessary. Needless to say (as any fan of Forever would know) I was immediately overwhelmed upon walking through the doors. I shopped to my little heart's content telling myself that I could take anything and everything into the dressing room as long as I came out only buying what fit into my strict budget. I loaded up on items liberally and finally made my way to the dreaded 3-way-mirror-chamber-of-despair. While trying on my plethora of treasures, something strange happened. I was suddenly reminded of my new (and still settling) monetary mindset and felt that though many items looked and fit cute, it was easy to talk myself out of buying them. Why spend for the sake of spending? It all became meaningless and extremely empty and my school-girl giddiness faded into a practical outlook about my uber-consumerism and how I didn't want to live that way anymore. I couldn't help but think of India and other places in the world where none of this would even matter...and should I end up in any of these places someday, I would be no better off having purchased any of this stuff here and now.

I own a lot of things. A lot of clothing. I like to feel fashionable, accessorized, confident in the way in which I present myself...none of which are bad things, if kept within a reasonable amount of moderation. But I realized, rarely in my life have I lived in serious and disciplined moderation, not because I have to but because I want to be a good steward of the things I have been blessed with and exercise strength of character.

I hope and pray that someday the Lord will use me to reach those in far off places, overseas, and in countries where giant Forever 21s don't matter. I want to change my outlook, I want to live for the things that are important, but mostly I want to find true joy in the things that really matter, things eternal...not fleeting.

And so, to end this epic tale of shopping woe, I did in fact walk out of the store with a couple items that I have since decided to return in the spirit of just not needing them. I guess my dressing room conversion wasn't completely thorough...but it was a definite step in the right direction. The most encouraging thing about my experience is knowing that what happened was an outward showing of an inward transformation, one that I hope continues to grow and affect positively every aspect of my life.

Thus begins a real journey for me, one that I'm confident will stretch me to the limits of my being, to the ends of the earth, and to the greatest potential of myself.

a finished epic.

Through the fire I have come
Scorched and burned but still I run.
Ash to beauty, strength endure
Blackest souls be now made pure.
Broken bones and shattered dreams
Light aloft through brilliant beams.
Wings abound from haggard frame,
From earth's departure, freedom came.

No life to see, but death resides
Within the realm of finite eyes.
Shackled to the darkest stone
Cold of iron, hollow tone.
Break apart the chains that bind
Release the demons, light to find.
Blood flows out to cancel pain
From earth's departure, freedom came.

Open wide my eyes to see
The lifeline yet in store for me.
Blind me to the flesh's stare
Brave the trial, unaware.
Encompassing the depth of love,
Cast me forth with gentle shove.
Into the World, no qualm or shame
From earth's departure, freedom came.

Longest life but short as breath
Straining ears are now made deaf.
Silence falls upon my soul
Want for ease now takes its toll.
Lay my weary head to rest
Renewing sleep upon thine breast.
Awaken truth, no longer tame
From earth's departure freedom came.

Arise the sun and make me new
Wash away with morning's dew.
Born of this day, alive and well
Delivered from the grip of hell.
Saved from deepest depths of strife
Restored again to perfect life.
Alight my soul, new song it hums
From earth's departure, freedom comes.

Mun-dae.

Next time I quit a job, this is how I will do it.


Thought of the day:

It's amazing what we see when we decide to pull our heads out of our asses! (Unrelated to above hilarity.)

A broken hallelujah.

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Is it sufficient to bring nothing more to the world than a broken hallelujah?

I cringe to think of it any other way, considering too often all I have to give is something broken, almost unrecognizable because it is so dilapidated and disfigured. I have to believe that God knew what he was doing when he created humans in his image knowing full well we would fall from his grace, his perfection, his holiness...being imperfect people restored by the spilled blood of Christ still renders us imperfect in the every day. Therein we find our struggle...how do we as broken, hurting, ugly, dark souls, loose the chains that bind and break free to find our purpose, the reason for our humanness? God could have made us holy beings without sin, without darkness in our hearts...but he allows our broken bits to become prevalent so we can recognize our need for a Savior.

If I wasn't lost, I would need no one to lead me.

I find solace in my darkest moments knowing that the Lord can use the imperfections in me to glorify his perfection. Like a shattered mirror refracts unbroken light, may we each find how we cast the light of Jesus into the world around us...a world full of broken people yearning to know they are useful and alive with a purpose.

I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah...