Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Coming Clean.

Hello blogging world, family, friends, complete strangers...I am glad you stopped by today, it was not an accident that you did.

It's time I shared more of my vulnerability with you. Not the sneakily guarded, contemplative, what-is-the-meaning-of-life complexities of my usual "vulnerability," but the kind that's humbling to verbalize...the kind that we so often try to keep inside because it's terrifying to put it out into the universe. Once it's there, out there, unguarded in the ether, it's anyone's for the taking...which means anyone has a chance of finding out about my fears and failures...the things that ironically make me human but that I spend my life vehemently denying.

I have very much messed up many things in my life, I suppose that's what we humans do best. Living in India has brought me to a place in myself that I don't wholly understand, I am even scared to investigate it. As much as I came here for what I deemed the "right reasons," I have found a dark struggle inside me that has made it hard for me to move forward here, to break free of the things that hold me back, that stack up between me and God. So, I find myself in a rut, in a foreign country, undoubtedly ostracizing and burdening my best friend (and only real human support here...) because I can't so much as humble myself and admit that I can't do this on my own. Of course I cognitively understand that I can't do this on my own...but still it has been weeks and my pride has held strong. It's built what feels like an impenetrable fortress around my heart and is fighting with all the nuclear weapons and gusto in the world to keep everything else out.

The part of me that seems to get the most frustrated is the part of me that expected that I would do this right. Moving to a foreign country to become a Christ-serving missionary means you have everything together, right? Well, here is my mightily humble proclamation: I don't have it all together and I'm not where I want to be spiritually. Why does it feel like a dirty Christian stigma to admit that as a missionary I'm really struggling, hurting, fighting to remain centered and focused on God? I have to let go of all the things I "think" I should be...and just be myself in all my broken pieces. I am once again in need of a savior...not that I ever wasn't, I just feel it again in every fiber of my being.

This morning I woke up on a quest for true humility and understanding. I am thoroughly sick of my dark and depressive nature and I'm ready to tear down that fortress around my heart, even if it's only one brick at a time. I know being refined is a process, a painful one. But if it took me having to come to India to truly learn to let God lead and control my life, then it's worth it. I know it's no coincidence that God is tugging at me today, my heart felt primed for change the moment I opened my eyes this morning. Today's Daily Bread devotional talks all about failure and how God USES His children who are failures, liars, murders...it's all throughout the bible. I then happened to check a friend's blog only to find that she had posted lyrics to a song all about breaking the chains that keep us from the freedom that is in Christ.

Ok God, I'm listening.

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age..."
-Matthew 28:20


  1. Sending love your way E :) Hang in there, be still, and hear our savior's loving, peace-filled voice. Praying for you!

  2. Messed up and broken people are my favorite! Esspecially the ones that are authentic and put it on their friggin' blog! I see God through humble people like you Elana... and in essence we (broken people who hdon't have it all together) are the lucky ones, cause we get to experience Him on a "brick by brick" level. Incredible! Prayin' for ya! xoxo

  3. I have been thinking so much about you Elana...I know how hard it is to dig deep and really clear away everything but God...but it is good work however difficult it is. Funny thing is that here I am in cushy Newport Beach and I am going through the same thing! We are far apart in miles but right next to each other in the process. God is good and we will come out on the other side closer to our Lord! I love you and am praying for you! xoxox