Thinking of what Sarah said.

Current soundtrack: Death Cab for Cutie - Marching Bands of Manhattan

Things on my mind today:

Vintage buttons, general craftiness and creativity.

India.


Photographing India.

I suppose I always have tons on my mind, too much, probably. However, I seem to have even more on my mind after emerging from an intense week that gave way to a somewhat less, albeit still intense, weekend.

Things feel so raw.

So real.

SO good.

I can't wait for what's coming...I have already begun to see hints of telling rays on the horizon...

now I await one of the most brilliant sunrises of my life.


In the meantime, I am reminded to embrace the current moment and all it has to offer. I love that waiting on the Lord is never boring, never short of magnificent moments to ponder, to feel, to experience. What a full life we live in Christ.

I even feel happier to be at work today...perhaps it's due to the fact we just got some new lamps for behind my desk...it feels warmer, homier; it brings a new understanding to the term "mood lighting."

I guess I have nothing profound or insightful to say, no witty story or clever anecdote, just a small expression of myself and why I am thankful for the things I have...and those I don't.

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." -Job 1:21

Sing without refrain

Current soundtrack: Elbow - Newborn

It is an absolutely beautiful day outside. A day on which I am thankful to be alive.

I have had a pretty horrendous week but it is approaching its end and I feel my body letting off a deep and physical sigh of relief.

Strangely enough, the day I posted my last entry, I got about 3 times more hits on my blog than I normally receive in a given day. I honestly have no idea why but when I saw that I felt somewhat ashamed that I had spewed so much bitterness and more people than normal saw it. I'm not embarrassed that I have moments of weakness or feel that way at times, I just saw a missed opportunity to spread light, love, and encouragement in a moment of personal darkness.

I don't claim to be even close to perfect and I also don't apologize for being honest, raw, and open about the things in my mind and heart. I do, however, want to strive to always affect others with life rather than death...light rather than darkness.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. -Philippians 4:8

When the world doesn't make sense.

When the world doesn't make sense,

I want to scream.

Cry.

Raise my hands in desperation.

Throw a fit worthy of a 2 year old and call it quits.

Question why.

Blame others.

Hurl anger at a God I don't always understand.



Why is our response to losing control...to lose control? Isn't that what we are reacting to in the first place? Yet it feels good to give in to a sense of impulsive, reckless emotion. There are moments in which I want nothing more than to reach a complete and utter disconnect of mind, body, and heart. Let me writhe in the pain of the suffering, let me burn to my depths with self-pity, anger, angst...the pleasure in the darkest places. I know I can't stay there. I know I should be frightened of giving in...but my sin takes hold and at times shackles me to the very pursuits that cause me the greatest anguish.

Sometimes it gets tiring to live above reproach, to do the right things, to listen well, and obey completely. Sometimes I hate it. On a cognitive level I can verbalize a comprehension of why I don't just do whatever the hell I want...but on a heart level, I often grasp at the thin atmosphere of understanding.

I look around me and see people I love dearly suffering through hardships and losing things that truly matter to them. Friends losing best friends, family members losing jobs, young people losing health, mothers losing sons, people in need getting everything taken from them when they seem to need it most...

And I wonder. When does it all begin to make sense? Why does God operate so much beyond the realm of the world he created us to reside in? Why does he always wish to keep us suffering in the dark? I hate to sound...cynical, typical, small-minded, weak-spirited...but I can't escape the questions that I have always allowed to fade under the all-encompassing blanket of "faith."

If I sound bitter, perhaps I am today. Perhaps for once I am sick of trying to maintain what's "right" while feeling so limited, small, weak. I want the power of God in my life, I want to be used for his purposes...but I am here, waiting, in a season of fog and trials.

Haven't I always been here?

Is my skewed perspective to blame? Are the dark and sinful places of my heart overshadowing the seeds of hope desperately reaching for the sun-filled promises of life?

Why am I wilting when I am trying desperately to grow?

Why am I destroying when I am trying desperately to create?

Why am I dying when I am trying desperately to live?


No life to see, but death resides
Within the realm of finite eyes.
Shackled to the darkest stone
Cold of iron, hollow tone.
Break apart the chains that bind
Release the demons, light to find.
Blood flows out to cancel pain
From earth's departure, freedom came.

Swing Wide the Door.

Current soundtrack: Rilo Kiley - Portions for Foxes

I had a good weekend.

Which makes it that much more lame that it's Monday and I'm back at work again.

I should be preparing invoices rather than blogging...but, hey, why not blog a little...or a lot?

I heard a really good sermon yesterday morning. It was about drawing really interesting comparisons of stories from the Old Testament with the New Testament account of Jesus. It was a fairly simple concept but it was a powerful reminder of how intentional God's story is. I liked it. The guy speaking opened with a story of how he was about to embark on a missions trip with a whole slew of high schoolers to South Africa. He gave a few examples of the suffering of the people there and one in particular struck me. He mentioned a 6 month old baby girl that had already been raped 6 times in her short and innocent life.

Besides the sheer horror I felt at the thought of that, hearing it was like a ton of bricks being dropped on my head.

I so easily get caught up in my life and ask myself nearly every day, "who am I and what is my purpose?" I have spent much of the past month or more trying to plan my life and the silly logistics of it, placing a ton of emphasis, thought, heart, and emotion into things that ultimately are not my purpose.

That tiny, helpless, and completely abused 6 month old...she is my purpose.

Now maybe I'm not meant to make a b-line for South Africa and seek out that specific child, but I suddenly felt the light bulb of realization illuminate the darkest corners of my life. I am a servant of God, a servant of love, and without question my purpose is to serve those who are in need. The fact that I get so stuck on myself really bums me out...where am I going to live, who am I going to date, how can I make more money, how can I be happier? Why spend a second more focusing on the things that I was not created to fulfill or be fulfilled by? Sure, I am full of questions, a need for direction, overwhelming loneliness at times, but what is more important than living out my purpose for being alive? Why do I breathe, why do I have my health, why do I have a heart so full of love it might explode out of my chest?!

Because I was created with a purpose. And I have figured out what that purpose is.

In the meantime, I have decided not to move to Colorado (sorry to those of you only finding out about this via my blog...I wish I had time to call you all and tell you every detail), I feel I am supposed to be here right now. Colorado would have been an escape for me...at a time when I need to face the storm of my life head on.

I am thrilled (and seriously blessed) to report that since I have decided to "bloom" where I'm planted, so to speak, that I have made an amazing connection with a church here and have met more people in the past 2 weekends than I have in the past 2 years! It's amazing how the blessings start to flow when we seek God's best for our lives and quit sheepishly shying away from being obedient.

I am also about to embark on another journey in life that will be incredibly difficult and full of trials, but I feel blessed in my decision to do so. I would like to remain discreet about this situation for the time being...it is sensitive and brings up a whole lot of raw emotion in me. I hope to get to a place in which I can share it with you in hopes of encouraging someone out there who may be in the same boat, but, until then, know that I am feeling the Lord's presence in my life, despite my many mistakes and failures.

Sometimes we expend so much energy, emotion, and time searching intensely for the right thing, when in reality it was right in front of us the entire time.

Open wide my eyes to see
The beauty that's in store for me.
Blind me to the flesh's stare
Endure the trial, unaware.
Encompassing the depth of love,
Cast me forth with gentle shove.
Into the World, no qualm or shame,
From earth's departure, freedom came.

Truth.

Some days turn out to be unimaginably hard.

Today is one of those days.

"On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand..."