I have approached my blog several times in the past couple of weeks fully intending to post something, yet I haven't been able to accomplish that...and the reason why is not simple. I am in a constant state of flux in my life, things are relentlessly changing, growing, and reshaping themselves and I have yet to be able to find any semblance of how they might turn out. It is exciting while equally terrifying, a paradox that often lends itself to confusion and conflicting emotions. It's hard to be in a place where the unknown wakes me up every morning and tucks me in every night. I would be lying if I said it wasn't nearly impossible at least several moments of each day...at least of late. It's hard to put into words everything that is swimming around in my head.
One thing that has formed and is beginning to show me a way to run (at least for the very near future) is my passion for photography. Yes, I have been a "photographer" for a while, yes, I have a degree in photography...but after I finished school at the end of last year, I felt myself reach a level of burn out I had never before experienced. Graduating was one of the most anti-climactic events of my life thus far and, conversely, one of the biggest emotional releases I have ever felt...though it was gradual and I didn't realize I had experienced it until 3 months later. Before 6 days ago, I hadn't looked at, touched, used, or even SEEN my camera equipment since school. I put everything in the back of my closet, I needed it out of my life, if only for a time. I needed to know that photography was still my passion, my lifeblood, and the only way I would find that out is if I let myself get away mentally and emotionally from the trials of college and re-find myself as a young, budding, vibrant photographer. I was sure all hope was lost and that perhaps I would never pursue what I spent countless hours perfecting in college ( I even encountered thoughts of wanting to sell my camera)...then, last weekend, I was called on to shoot an incredibly simple and low-key event...and suddenly there I was, feeling like I had regained a lost appendage. Camera in hand, I felt confident, I felt myself. And thus begins my true journey of passion into photography, one that doesn't have my education as the driving force behind it. I am shooting another event tonight...and I'm hoping to book another couple events this summer that are in the works. After rotting away for a couple of months in a corporate job, I am ready to be who I was created to be. Living out passions and dreams is a difficult undertaking and often takes a lot of courage...and leaves behind a lot of carnage. But here I am, ready and finally moving forward in some way...even if it is into the dark.
And now, for the real task at hand: waiting for what's next.
In the meantime, I am going to relax poolside for a while, shed the residual of last night's events (happy 21st birthday, Auds), and let myself bask in the beauty found in living within the great unknown...at least until the next impossible moments remind that life is hard.