Thursday, April 2, 2009

The triumphs and the tragedies.

I have basically had a horrible day. Ok, let's not boo and hiss over it too much, it happens to every one now and again and I'm irked at the thought of being recognized as over-dramatic, though I am. This is the latest I have stayed up in more than a week. My head is saturated with thoughts and dreams, terrors and fears...real and imagined. I have a lot coming up for me this year, some of which I am aware of and some I only feel as a deep gut intuition. I have always had extremely spot-on intuitions about things...sometimes even verging on premonitions. I don't claim the psychic card whatsoever, but I have found that I have a keen sense of the world around least when I want to. Other times I am blaringly dense and oblivious. I think something inside me makes that choice at times, mainly so I don't have to face being so damn aware of (and therefore responsible for) things. Who can say if ignorance is really bliss, but it sure is easier a lot of the time.

There are some things in life that you cannot hide from or fake ignorance to, at least for very long. I am facing some of those things now. I am one of the most stubborn people you will meet and it is on this fact that I can bet my life that I won't go down without a fight...which probably means I won't go down at all, in the sense of letting these "things" get the better of me. Yes, life is hard and blah di blah so on and so forth. What really gets me is when I get so caught up in trying to live WELL that I forget to live at all.

I am reading this really dark and depressing novel right now. I am rather enjoying angsting out someone else's story instead of my own. I have been to the darkest depths of myself before and I have no desire to return to that void in all it's relentless unforgiveness and insecurity. Ick.

It just occurred to me that blogs are a rather self-centered creation. Sure, I suppose some people use them to the good of mankind or merely in a utilitarian way, but for most others it is a way to be heard...even if no one is listening. Who the heck would be able to say that they blog solely for their own good? Yes it's cathartic and can be therapeutic but it absolutely would not have the same effect if we knew no one would ever read it. That's why we have journals, diaries, memos, whatever you want to call them.

And here I sit, formulating my somewhat good intentioned cry to my little universe, hoping someone will validate me by way of a proverbial pat on the back. And for what?

The triumphs and the tragedies.

Boy am I tired and cranky.

Sorry to spew, I'm just tired as ever and need a vacation away from today. That is why I LOVE sleep.

1 comment:

  1. Sorry to invade your blogging world... I was just browsing blogs and yours caught my eye.
    Anyway, I really enjoyed this post and in particular your thoughts on blogging being a bit self-centered. It is therapeutic and ultimately validating in some ways. It's your "public" journal and this is your "proverbial pat on the back". Keep writing and keep following your passions.