Thursday, June 4, 2009

"And in the end, we'll lie awake and we'll dream of making our escape..."

I can't seem to think straight today. Blame it on the lack of sleep. 3 hours and counting. Sometimes I wonder how my little head contains so much information without exploding. Today has been busy which merely means I am even more tired than I would otherwise be. Before I squeeze in all my daily invoicing, I need to take a mental break from work for a bit.

There has been some planning going on inside my head for quite a while now. I have spoken several times about potentially moving to Colorado only to have it be postponed every time, so this time I have been attempting to make plans without telling many people...I was tired of being the girl who always said she would do something but never did it. I have been considering this move for the better part of 18 months. Having just returned from a trip out there a little over a week ago, everything is completely fresh in my mind and I came back to California with a renewed passion to try and make Colorado become a reality. However, as life loves to remind us, "the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry..."

I have decided to be public with my decision making because I feel like maybe I need an outside perspective. I am having a difficult time making an unemotional decision and feel more stuck than ever.

While I was in Colorado I felt so much potential for a happy life there...even though most of what I experienced was someone else's happy life as I tagged along on a mini vacation. What I do know about CO is that it's beautiful, cheaper to live, and filled with really awesome people...but the job opportunities out there pay significantly less than they do here. Things sort of seem to strike a balance considering the cost of perhaps that is a moot point. I guess the bleak reality (for lack of a better descriptor) is that I don't have much to hold onto in either place right now, I'm just getting eager for a change, period. One thing that I do know is that I need to leave my current job as soon as is humanly possible. I have started to job search in Colorado...AND locally. Maybe sometimes the best thing to do is energize something in every direction and see what pans out.

Truthfully, though, there are things here I would really miss...and I go back and forth on whether or not I would be able to give them up.

Maybe I am just waiting for that one deciding factor.

But what is it?


I have definitely been learning that places you live are truly defined by your immediate community rather than the immediate amenities of the location what I am really craving is solid community...of which I have none in either place, here or CO...though I have more here. The last couple of years have proved to offer a difficult transition for me as I watched my solid community up in LA dissipate as people graduated college and moved one by one. Before I knew it I was left with only a couple of friends around me...and a gaping hole on the inside. Moving to Newport has been great for the immediate amenities of the location...but has been a bit slow on the growing of the community side of things...though I can't discount recently making a few new friends who are really great. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough? Maybe I am sabotaging my own satisfaction and contentment by not putting myself out there enough.

Maybe the truth is that I could really be happy anywhere I am if only I work at it and quit focusing on the things I don't have.

I am fearful. I hate to admit it...though most people experience fear a lot of the time. I refuse to live in bondage to it but I am also trying to figure out the best way to step forward. I feel like I want a change of scenery but what's crazy is that I have only been here for 4 months and I already am mentally moving on! That scares me into realizing that maybe if I moved to Colorado the old familiar discontent would creep in and I would find myself just as unsettled as I feel here. It's not the's me.

As I hammer all this out I wonder if maybe I truly need to stay put and let God really change my heart to find the joy and blessings in my current situation. Ack! What do I do? I don't want to spend my life constantly roaming around looking for the perfect situation because I'm pretty sure I will never find it.

And what I want more than anything is to travel the maybe it doesn't so much matter where I live for the time being. I need to focus on paying off debt and saving money if I ever want to see that dream realized.

Colorado is wonderful, beautiful, and seems fresh and new...but I'm seeing that it will still be the same me who moves there.

What's most frustrating is that I have spent a lot of time praying and trying to seek guidance in the best way I know how...and I'm still coming up with a giant question mark.

Or did I just literally answer my own question while writing this...


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