Tuesday, September 15, 2009


One hundred two. One hundred two days until my life begins again. One hundred two sunrises, one hundred two sunsets. One hundred two nights in a comfortable bed, sheltered from the insanity of the world, still safe and warm. One hundred two measures of time that bring me closer to a dream realized.

One hundred two days until I move out of the country.

One hundred two seems dwarfed next to my anticipated moments of fear, anxiety, excitement, stress, and passion. I am overwhelmed today at the thought of living another life...another existence in another culture, another set of challenges to face, and another million lessons to learn.

Maybe it's that today my current life isn't settled, isn't happy, isn't restful, or peaceful, or complete. Today I am reminded of my shortcomings...and the shortcomings of others that create the complexities of love and relationships with those we hold close. One of the most frightening things about moving out of the country might be that those relationships will be no longer easily accessible. They will no longer be on the other end of the phone, the other side of the front door, the passenger seat of my car, the other side of my bed. They won't be a short drive away...or even a long one. They will be worlds away.

The ever-present encompassing fear of loneliness presides. It rules this kingdom I live in, dictates in a cruel monarchy every breath and every thought. It's inescapable and overwhelmingly heavy. But I know that without fear, I wouldn't understand how complacent I become in my comfort. Fear is the very boundary of self; it reflects the parts of me that dare to venture outside the life in which I know I am safe. Fear reminds me what it is to live, to feel my pulse inside my chest racing in anticipation of experiencing things yet untouched. If fear can motivate me then here I stand, ready to face and conquer, knowing that I will come out the other side of this journey a more complete human being. If the antithesis of fear is love, then I want to have a better understanding of love itself by dissecting my fear. If I was put into existence merely to love, then I want to be the best at it that I can be...and I know thus far I haven't always been a competent lover...in a romantic sense as well as a platonic one. I am hoping that facing the rawness of the world and human existence will teach me to love completely and live without the fear that now enslaves me to myself like the confines of a straight jacket. Whoever I think I am in this moment will be challenged and redefined, broken and put back together only to be broken again.

Refine me. Rebuild me. Renew me. Reframe my view. Redefine my idea of love. Reclaim my independence in the reminder of my dependence. May I find myself in a sea of faces while realizing my place in the midst of creation. Wearing my fear like a rite of passage, may I break the shackles that bind me to complacency and show the world just what I'm made of...the sum of all my parts, ugly or otherwise.

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