A Post About Home.

I am home from India.  Actually, I have been home for nearly 9 days and this seemed to be the soonest I was ready to post something real about just that, being home.

Spending 6 months in a foreign country as a volunteer/missionary was hard.  Hard probably is the understatement of the year and doesn't really begin to cover the depth of the experience.  Though I say "hard" I don't mean to leave a negative connotation hanging in the air to be misinterpreted.  It was also very good.

And, now I'm home.  Though depending on the timing of my life I have used many different factors to determine what "home" actually is, at this point it is where my family is.  I don't feel I have any other home at the moment, I suppose that is the nature of residing within a season of transition.  It's good to be home...and it's also vulnerable.  Home isn't only where your heart is, it's also where your heart is laid bare and suddenly you are the truest form of yourself.  And that can be scary.

When I was in India, I had many moments in which I wanted nothing more than to be home...meaning back in the States, near my family, and surrounded by all the things I deemed as comfortable.  Now I am here and feel more than a little disillusioned by it all.  I am working hard to give myself extra grace during my time of reverse culture shock but I can't help but feel at moments that I wish I were back.  This is probably a textbook case of the Grass is Always Greener mentality, as I was relieved and ready to leave India when I did.  It's just that I wish I had done more, been more, seen more, stretched myself even further.  I'm not one to sit long in the cesspool of regret so I won't allow myself to live behind today.  I will however, continue to live becoming better equipped by what I have gone through.

It's bizarre how much I am willing to stay inside my head and process what's just taken place in my life...considering I have had a difficult time doing the simplest of tasks lately like choosing clothes to wear or grocery shopping.  Having to make any decision at all feels a little unnatural and overwhelming.  I have only to give myself time to readjust and relearn what I already know so well...it's just getting my heart and emotions to follow suit that is the challenge.

In less words, I am happy to be home.  Every day is presenting me with something new to test my patience and my resistance.  I am glad to have a close source of hope and a loving family by my side.  Thank you to all who supported me during my time away.  This life is nothing without people to share your trials and happiness with.

Dear India...

Dear India,

It is 5:20 am and I have been faced with the choice to either sleep for an hour or blog...that's right, I have not yet slept tonight as the craziness of preparing to leave has forced me awake. As deliciously tempting as an hour nap sounds before I have to embark on 24 straight hours of travel, I feel I owe you more than a fleeting thought. So, blog it is.

You and I have gotten to know each other well these past 5 1/2 months. We are more than contemporaries or acquaintances and more like...soul mates, kindred spirits even. As surprisingly different as we are (diametric opposites perhaps), we have found a way into each other's hearts, the good mingled intimately with the bad.

When I first met you I had no idea what to expect. I was scared, excited, thrilled, and on sensory overload. There you were in all your complex beauty; raw, real, and not even trying to hide your flaws. You were intimidating. You were inspiring. You were so foreign from everything I had ever known, yet somehow I felt drawn to you. The more I got to know you, the more I realized how many layers you had...sometimes you withheld yourself in ways that frustrated me and sometimes you revealed yourself in ways that left me in awe. You are a bizarre conundrum, the best part being that you make no qualms about it.

I have to admit, somewhat bashfully, that you have seen every side of me...sides I thought were forever dormant. You saw my tears and my triumphs, heard my laughs and my screams. You broke me down into the tiniest fragments of myself while simultaneously bestowing on me many treasures that will change the course of my life forever.

As much as I wanted to hit and kick you in my moments of turmoil, I admit that your trials presented me a view into the world that I had never seen. Like using alcohol to treat a wound, you burned like hell yet somehow made me better, cleaner, and sent me down the road to healing. You amazed me, surprised me, infuriated me, made me feel on top of the world, made me feel worthless, challenged me, slapped me around, and even made me physically ill...but the most valuable thing you ever did for me was teach me.

I can't say for sure why you chose me to come here, but it's undeniable that you did. I'm sure in due time I will gain more understanding of everything I have seen and done with you, even the parts I don't like remembering much.

As I now prepare to leave you, it is with a bitter-sweet spring in my step. I am ready to leave your certain oppressions and sufferings yet I am afraid to fly ahead for fear I may have missed something you wished to show me. I take great comfort in knowing that you will always be a part of me, no matter where this life may lead, and will therefore never cease to affect my very being. You are curious and unique and though I will never understand you completely, I will never stop appreciating you. Thank you for touching parts of my heart that I almost forgot existed.

You have been life's greatest challenge in my quarter century of existence, yet somewhere inside I know you have also been life's greatest gift.

With the deepest of sincerity and gratitude,

Elana

Re-entering the Atmosphere.

Living in India has been hard.

Very hard.

But, today, a taste of "real life" hit me and I was reminded of the world I am about to step back into. I received an email from my student loan company reminding me of a payment due...and suddenly, to my dismay, I was reconciling, adding, subtracting, calculating, planning, calendaring, and spreadsheet-ing.

It's been over four months since I have paid a single bill.

Until today.

And suddenly my life is once again on the verge of the mayhem I couldn't wait to leave behind last winter. This is a prime example of why the Grass is Always Greener Theory is bologna: while I was in the States last year I was working a job I hated in the corporate world and struggling to get on my feet as a new college grad. The idea of coming to India was romantic in it's anticipated simplicity, yet once I arrived and was faced with the realities of this foreign environment, I began to pine for those comforts I left behind. I have since adjusted as best as possible to this parallel universe but this ultimate truth prevails: every situation has its downside and its silver lining...no matter where I go and what I do, I will always struggle under varying degrees of discontent.

Simultaneously ending this chapter and beginning a new one in "familiar" life is already starting to present challenges. I am out of mainstream American culture; I am clueless on current events, newly released movies and music, and all other things typical-pop-culture. Where do I begin to reintegrate after becoming so separate and how much do I actually desire to seamlessly fall into the cushy consumeristic lifestyle I once knew? I am disconnected yet longing for my roots; I have yet to find the ideal balance between the two. I desire to stay aware, alert, and sensitive to the world but part of me also looks forward to shutting everything out and sleeping for a week straight to rebuild myself upon returning home. I am stuck somewhere between responsible world-citizenship and feeling superficiality beginning to suck me back into certain aspects of life. How can I live the way I did knowing what I now know?

Impossible.

As I figure it out, in the meantime I want to appreciate everything about India that I like and love while it's still at my fingertips. I am also anticipating many things about the States that I haven't seen/tasted/smelled/experienced for the last 4 1/2 months (it will be nearly 6 by the time I return home...)

-avocados

-cake (cream cheese frosting and fresh strawberries included)

-CHEESEBURGERS (namely those of the In 'n Out and TK Burger variety)

-mom's home cooking

-sandwiches

-salads

-Bagels

-endless amounts of fresh fruits and vegetables (except cauliflower and potatoes, had my fill of those here)

Beyond food items, I am also looking forward to going to the beach, my friends being only a phone call away, comfy couches, and summer BBQs.

For everything I have learned here and am still learning, the lesson of appreciating all I have been blessed with is a frontrunner at the moment. I am looking forward to feeling embraced and comfortable for a time so that I can restore myself and really begin to absorb all I have collected from this endlessly difficult, beautiful, and complicated culture.

I can't think of anything else thoughtful to say, I fear I am too overwhelmed with thoughts to birth anything more that's even remotely cohesive. Adding insult to injury, I am very hungry and completely exhausted. Once again, I have stayed up too late and am allowing myself to be distracted by what's to come. Even if my blog post doesn't reveal my desire to finish strong here in India, I'm truly wanting to make sure I leave a bit of something useful and meaningful behind; I have put in too much to not go out with a bang (for lack of a better descriptive). I have a lot of work to do in the next 14 days.

See you all in 5 1/2 weeks...

[Insert Clever Title Here]

Current Soundtrack: Death Cab for Cutie

It's Saturday and I am supposed to be working...but I can't concentrate at the moment. For the first time in a couple of weeks I am sitting comfortably in just a long-sleeved shirt indoors...rather than having to bundle up in a coat and scarf to be warm. For this small thing, I am grateful.

I have been doing some reading on culture shock and adjusting to a foreign lifestyle. The simplest way to overcome the trials of this major adjustment is to focus on the things about the new culture that you really love and appreciate. I have spent a good amount of time mulling over the things about Indian culture that I dislike, detest, despise. The last couple of days I have tried a different approach as I have sought out to dwell on the things about this place that I love.

I love my space heater. Yes, it sounds mocking and sarcastic, but I mean it in the most genuine of ways, I would be miserable without it. In fact, I may not even still be in India if it weren't for my trusty little heater sidekick. Heat is something I have never stopped to think about as a blessing. Let me tell you, when you live in 40-60 degree weather in an uninsulated, concrete building, you learn to appreciate things like heaters.

I love the many rich visuals of India. Sometimes it is impossibly hard to SEE some of the things here but more often than not my visual senses are overwhelmed with beautiful colors, textures, and people. Despite all the ugly parts of humanity, there is much beauty to be appreciated in this country.

I love the pace of life here. But, to be completely frank, I also hate the pace of life here. Time in India is completely loose and flows at its own speed. Nothing moves quickly or with precise intentions; things seem to almost skip and trip forward and randomly, by complete chance, end up in a somewhat recognizable state. Everything about my driven, type-A way of living is being challenged here. If I don't have something to DO or focus on at every moment, I immediately feel bored, unused, unfulfilled. In reality, I believe the Lord is trying to teach me to slow down and just be. Sure, we all talk at times about learning this cliche lesson...but never has it truly been put into effect as it is here in India. I aspire to learning and mastering the discipline of being; many great people have chased this goal in their lives. I hope to be able to soon report back that I am content with being still, being alive, and just simply being.

I love that I have the opportunity to appreciate the small things in life, the things you always long to appreciate but you never really have the capacity to. Things like a warm blanket, a close friend, a long hug, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Thank you, India, for all the things you are teaching me and the ways in which you are challenging every fiber of my being. May I learn to bless you as much as you are blessing me.

Stubbornness, Ice Cream, and Brass Tacks.

Today is a good day to blog...mostly because I don't feel like doing it.

I do my best work when I am being stubborn and subsequently broken of my stubbornness.

Two mornings ago I threw a fit made for a cranky 3-year-old. It was embarrassing...and though in the moment I was glad only Cory was there to witness it, I am now defeating my shroud of privacy by sharing it here. I feel the best way for me to grow and bear fruit from my efforts is to be transparent. So, I had a toddler-sized fit complete with crying and dumping things out of suitcases...merely because I felt the deep need to control something...yet everything about India and being here means giving up that control.

And for us controlling types, this will just not do.

I am now forced to place one foot in front of the other even when all I want to do is whine in the corner that things are too difficult. Of course this is difficult, Elana, this is full-time missions...

Anyway, on to things more important than (though not as substantial as) my pride and my constant struggle for humility in this foreign environment...

For a more positive reporting, I have literally been healed. Over the past few years I have developed a serious sensitivity to certain types of dairy, mainly milk and ice cream. When it finally resulted in violent vomiting every time I drank milk or had ice cream, I was forced to give them up. It has been nearly 2 years since I have had any milk or ice cream at all...until a couple of days ago. I decided to pray to ask the Lord to heal me of whatever it is that makes me sick with dairy...and I wholly believed He would do it. Since I can't get soy milk here in India like I could in the States, I figured it would just be easier to be able to drink cow's milk...it's in everything here, including the tea which is given to us all the time as a gift of hospitality. So, I decided to have some tea with milk in it earlier this week...and presto, I felt fine. I then moved on to a little milk in my cereal and abracadabra, no problemo. To REALLY test the validity of the God-healing theory, I had an ice cream cone with Cory...and, success!! The existence of ice cream and my ability to eat it = there really is a God.

Please note photographic evidence.

Now, down to brass tacks. India is a difficult place with many cultural obstacles for little ol' Western-minded me to overcome. I admit, the last week has been scarred with many moments of weakness in which I considered throwing in the towel and running away back to the States. BUT, I know that I am in the middle of God's will for my life, I have a peace about this being the right thing for me. And come on, what growth and good ever came out of something easy? Growth takes perseverance which comes from the testing of one's faith (James chapter 1)...which, let's face it, just plain hurts sometimes.

So, for all those who have been asking how they can specifically pray for me, today I need prayer to experience the joy of the Lord in the trials I'm facing. We serve a faithful God, whom I know will never leave me or forsake me and I need to cling to that promise in this moment.

Thanks to all of you who are loving and supporting me...your encouragement and prayers go a very long way.

Infinite x's and o's from India...