Simplify.

Quintessential India: Vasintha.

Just over 2 weeks back in the US and already I am swimming in resumes, job postings, and overall blindness when it comes to my near future.  Surprisingly, it's a great place to be...even though I whine about it at times.  If there is one shred of truth for me in life, it's that God's love for me is tangible daily and it's only by His grace that I am provided for.

I really miss India.  Strangely, my Indian life feels simple in my mind compared with my Western life.  I felt something yesterday I hadn't felt in a long time...stress.  Though India is chaotic and unending in dizzying color and confusion, ultimately things slow down there and a way of life that is simple and even provincial sets in.  Even though it's a big adjustment to settle into that lifestyle, once I am in it, there is so much more room to breathe, to reflect, to grow, and to just be.  Even though I have lots of free time in my now jobless, Western life, the culture here is a swift current that is already sweeping me away...and I feel pressure to earn, to do, to connect.
  

In the midst of the unknown I am grateful that I actually feel in a pretty good place, especially compared with the transition I faced last year upon returning to the States, which was definitely tumultuous.  The reverse culture shock is much less for me now, at least in the dramatic and tangible sense, but I do think it's hitting me at a deeper soul level this go around.  I feel at a crossroads in life, though I'm not sure that I actually have to choose anything just yet.  I feel as though some "other" person or "greater" force is pushing me to decide if I am going to lay down roots or commit to a missionary lifestyle, when in reality, a missionary lifestyle is already what I've chosen and is undoubtedly what I'm called to.  Now it's just a matter of figuring out what that looks like for me (even if that means remaining Stateside for the time being) and silencing the world around me telling me how I should be living my life. Following Jesus is a seriously counter-culture move, which often means going against the grain of popular culture and thinking.  So, in short, I am a bit of a weirdo...and I am ok with that.

It's good for me to live in the midst of uncertainty for the time being because that ensures that I am constantly seeking God on what's next and remaining interruptable and ready for anything.  As I take much needed time to reflect on the last several months and reconnect with myself (since I have had no alone time in 4 months), I look forward to finding who I am again, the simplicity of Me in a culture that wants me to feel complex and busy.  I believe with my whole heart that I will at some point return to India (how could I not?) but I have no idea how soon that will be or in what capacity it will pan out.

I would LOVE prayer for finding a job and place to live since income and housing are 2 staples of normal life here.  Even if I only settle for a couple months...or a couple years, I want to make sure my time here is rich with blessing others as I continue to grow personally and come into my calling as a Christ-follower.

Here's to bringing a piece of India home with me...to loving others, to serving the Church, and to remaining flexible.

Take heart.

Life is overwhelming.  The ups and downs, the happiness and sadness, the hard work and the emotions we all feel each day...

it's a lot.

I was reminded today of the fragility of life while reading some updates on Daisy Merrick, the little girl with cancer who has become well known through the amazing power of the internet and the willingness of God's people to pray.

I was also reminded of the strength of the spirit and the ways in which we were created to overcome, to conquer, and to redeem so much of the hard stuff...but not alone.

Every single day I find a portion of my thoughts falling to India and the time I was able to spend there serving, learning, growing, and being challenged.  I sometimes have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that I was chosen to go, me of all people...so broken and emotionally scattered...yet I was blessed with an experience of a lifetime.  It doesn't make sense, but it's beautiful and for that I am thankful.

While learning to live again in a place labeled "home," I feel the weight of adjustment every day.  I feel the anxiety set in each morning taunting me to feel unsettled and unsatisfied.  But I have to fight against what the world pushes upon me because I know I serve a God bigger than any pressure, real or imagined.

Take heart, weary servants, knowing that we are not alone in our pain and our anxiety.  Remember to let go of the complexities that make our heads spin and simplify life into one thing: loving God so we can love others.  There is immense joy to be found in the journey but you have to remember to allow yourself to find it...

Rain Down.

Ok, I can't wait to get my day started (and I slept in a bit later than I had planned on...) but before I jump into it I had to take a few moments to share the overflow of blessings in my life.

Brief background on the last 6-ish years: College was a crazy time in my life.  I had a difficult time deciding exactly what I wanted to do, or at least deciding to make that happen.  Once I finally settled on a school and a degree, I felt the entire experience was an up-hill challenge. Academically I didn't feel like always rising to the occasion and personally I was a huge wreck. My life was flanked with failed relationships and vain pursuits to fill voids, depression, medication, and countless tears and days hiding out in bed. I had some great things come out of those 5 years, mainly some incredible friendships and a whole lot of tough lessons learned. Right after graduation I took a corporate admin job and for the most part hated it...loved the people (most of them anyway) but did not fit into the environment whatsoever.  When the opportunity to potentially go to India showed its face, I dove in completely and, well, the rest is history.  In a nutshell, the several years leading up to my India adventure were hard and wrought with a lot of challenges, fighting within myself, and days of wandering in the desert. I often asked, "where are you, God?"

Low and behold the Promised Land.  Coming home from India started some incredible things happening for me.  Before I knew it, I had gone from having nothing to a having car to use and a house to stay in for almost no cost while I was looking for a new job. And then, with literally very little effort, I had a job a week after I moved back into Orange County. A WEEK!

Beyond having all my physical and logistical needs met and exceeded, a "garden" of friendships has begun to explode with new growth in my life.  Hardly a day goes by in which I don't receive a text, phone call, or email from someone reaching out or responding to me and wanting to get together.  I have this laundry list of amazing people to spend time with and not enough time to do it!  I suppose that's a pretty good "problem" to have...

I have encountered a couple of people who, upon hearing my story of blessing, chalked my life up to something as simple as, good people who do good things (referring to India) get rewarded, much like a sort of karma mentality.  With all due respect, that is SO not it.  I suppose for all intents and purposes you can state that I am a "good" person...in other words, I haven't murdered anyone or tortured any cats (to be debated, heh heh...).  In the eyes of the God I serve, I'm just as sinful and screwed up as the people who do murder others.  That concept, understandably, is really difficult for people to understand, especially in the world of secular humanism.  In terms of what's fair in the eyes of the world, those who murder and act out evil should be considered not as inherently good as those who feed starving children in Africa.  I do not wish to debate theologically on any of this, I merely want to remind everyone reading that I have my fair share of crap inside and out and am only considered anything good and worthwhile because I am FORGIVEN.

Let's not preach, shall we?  I merely want to remember to be humble and to give the glory to the Big Guy upstairs for the outpouring of blessings in my life.  Even if it looks technically "good" that I moved over to India to help those "less fortunate," truth be told, I had a load of very ugly and selfish moments during my time there...ask one of my absolute best friends who witnessed it, Cory.

May my season of blessings serve to encourage others to see the goodness of God and that in the world we live in, we need to call on that far more often than we do.  God is all powerful, all knowing, and all loving...and wants to take each one of us into a life of incredible fulfillment.  And for those of you doubting that this is possible or true, get in touch with me and I will share with you the nuts and bolts of who I was when I was trying to do life on my own strength...and compare that with the way I am blessed and taken care of in this season (only through submitting my life to the Lord)...and tell me God isn't real.  Sure, not every season will bear such comfort and greatness (um, hello, the least six months in India were HARD and PAINFUL!) but the Lord is faithful to bring us to places of rest when we need to feel His covering and love the most.  So, after an indescribably challenging time in India, God has granted me incredible solace and has freed me up to share His blessings with those around me.

He gives and takes away.

A Wave of the Sea.

The older I get the more I realize just how volatile and fickle the heart really is.  When I say "heart" I am referring to the part of us that allows us to feel, the part that often takes over and pushes the head/logical/thinking part out of the way. One of the most blaring ways in which I find myself adjusting to life as it is now, is in my sensitivity or barometer to the measure of depth around me. I feel I need to explain that better:  what I mean to say is that each day is filled with moments that are varying in depth; some moments are touching, sweet, difficult, contemplative, meaningful, and deep, and other moments are superficial, fun, filled with laughter and, ultimately, not as deep.  Though I enjoy the latter, I find that I am measuring the depth of each of my moments and feeling that I don't relate as easily to the moments that are supposed to be "fun" and easy to take in. Part of me feels exposed and even guilty in those moments, like I shouldn't be feeling them and I should instead be feeling something more imposing, something more substantial.

I fear I'm not making sense but I have to try and express what I mean. In layman's terms, I'm having a tough time easily having fun right now. There are certain triggers surrounding India and my experiences there that come up from time to time and leave me feeling paralyzed within them. The mere thought of India is filled with such emotion, happy and sad...and everything in between...that often I feel like I can't even think about it at all if I have any hope of reaching the place where I can let loose and have fun.

I have felt really blessed this last week as I have spent a lot of time with people I haven't seen in a while and that really makes me happy...and I have actually had a good deal of fun. But somewhere deep inside, I feel the emptiness that India has left in me...an emptiness that is not filled by anything else right now. I know that's part of this process, letting myself come to terms with the emptiness in hopes of seeing it in a positive light eventually. For the time being, I sort of just feel this nondescript void that I'm not sure how to deal with. It's like the elephant in the room...I can't get around it and I can't get rid of it...but I don't know how to face it head on because it's bigger than me and heavier than anything I could ever lift on my own.

Slowly I progress through this mess that is me, realizing that there is plenty of goodness to revel in along the way...as long as I'm looking for it.

Dear India...

Dear India,

It is 5:20 am and I have been faced with the choice to either sleep for an hour or blog...that's right, I have not yet slept tonight as the craziness of preparing to leave has forced me awake. As deliciously tempting as an hour nap sounds before I have to embark on 24 straight hours of travel, I feel I owe you more than a fleeting thought. So, blog it is.

You and I have gotten to know each other well these past 5 1/2 months. We are more than contemporaries or acquaintances and more like...soul mates, kindred spirits even. As surprisingly different as we are (diametric opposites perhaps), we have found a way into each other's hearts, the good mingled intimately with the bad.

When I first met you I had no idea what to expect. I was scared, excited, thrilled, and on sensory overload. There you were in all your complex beauty; raw, real, and not even trying to hide your flaws. You were intimidating. You were inspiring. You were so foreign from everything I had ever known, yet somehow I felt drawn to you. The more I got to know you, the more I realized how many layers you had...sometimes you withheld yourself in ways that frustrated me and sometimes you revealed yourself in ways that left me in awe. You are a bizarre conundrum, the best part being that you make no qualms about it.

I have to admit, somewhat bashfully, that you have seen every side of me...sides I thought were forever dormant. You saw my tears and my triumphs, heard my laughs and my screams. You broke me down into the tiniest fragments of myself while simultaneously bestowing on me many treasures that will change the course of my life forever.

As much as I wanted to hit and kick you in my moments of turmoil, I admit that your trials presented me a view into the world that I had never seen. Like using alcohol to treat a wound, you burned like hell yet somehow made me better, cleaner, and sent me down the road to healing. You amazed me, surprised me, infuriated me, made me feel on top of the world, made me feel worthless, challenged me, slapped me around, and even made me physically ill...but the most valuable thing you ever did for me was teach me.

I can't say for sure why you chose me to come here, but it's undeniable that you did. I'm sure in due time I will gain more understanding of everything I have seen and done with you, even the parts I don't like remembering much.

As I now prepare to leave you, it is with a bitter-sweet spring in my step. I am ready to leave your certain oppressions and sufferings yet I am afraid to fly ahead for fear I may have missed something you wished to show me. I take great comfort in knowing that you will always be a part of me, no matter where this life may lead, and will therefore never cease to affect my very being. You are curious and unique and though I will never understand you completely, I will never stop appreciating you. Thank you for touching parts of my heart that I almost forgot existed.

You have been life's greatest challenge in my quarter century of existence, yet somewhere inside I know you have also been life's greatest gift.

With the deepest of sincerity and gratitude,

Elana

[Insert Clever Title Here]

Current Soundtrack: Death Cab for Cutie

It's Saturday and I am supposed to be working...but I can't concentrate at the moment. For the first time in a couple of weeks I am sitting comfortably in just a long-sleeved shirt indoors...rather than having to bundle up in a coat and scarf to be warm. For this small thing, I am grateful.

I have been doing some reading on culture shock and adjusting to a foreign lifestyle. The simplest way to overcome the trials of this major adjustment is to focus on the things about the new culture that you really love and appreciate. I have spent a good amount of time mulling over the things about Indian culture that I dislike, detest, despise. The last couple of days I have tried a different approach as I have sought out to dwell on the things about this place that I love.

I love my space heater. Yes, it sounds mocking and sarcastic, but I mean it in the most genuine of ways, I would be miserable without it. In fact, I may not even still be in India if it weren't for my trusty little heater sidekick. Heat is something I have never stopped to think about as a blessing. Let me tell you, when you live in 40-60 degree weather in an uninsulated, concrete building, you learn to appreciate things like heaters.

I love the many rich visuals of India. Sometimes it is impossibly hard to SEE some of the things here but more often than not my visual senses are overwhelmed with beautiful colors, textures, and people. Despite all the ugly parts of humanity, there is much beauty to be appreciated in this country.

I love the pace of life here. But, to be completely frank, I also hate the pace of life here. Time in India is completely loose and flows at its own speed. Nothing moves quickly or with precise intentions; things seem to almost skip and trip forward and randomly, by complete chance, end up in a somewhat recognizable state. Everything about my driven, type-A way of living is being challenged here. If I don't have something to DO or focus on at every moment, I immediately feel bored, unused, unfulfilled. In reality, I believe the Lord is trying to teach me to slow down and just be. Sure, we all talk at times about learning this cliche lesson...but never has it truly been put into effect as it is here in India. I aspire to learning and mastering the discipline of being; many great people have chased this goal in their lives. I hope to be able to soon report back that I am content with being still, being alive, and just simply being.

I love that I have the opportunity to appreciate the small things in life, the things you always long to appreciate but you never really have the capacity to. Things like a warm blanket, a close friend, a long hug, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Thank you, India, for all the things you are teaching me and the ways in which you are challenging every fiber of my being. May I learn to bless you as much as you are blessing me.

Stubbornness, Ice Cream, and Brass Tacks.

Today is a good day to blog...mostly because I don't feel like doing it.

I do my best work when I am being stubborn and subsequently broken of my stubbornness.

Two mornings ago I threw a fit made for a cranky 3-year-old. It was embarrassing...and though in the moment I was glad only Cory was there to witness it, I am now defeating my shroud of privacy by sharing it here. I feel the best way for me to grow and bear fruit from my efforts is to be transparent. So, I had a toddler-sized fit complete with crying and dumping things out of suitcases...merely because I felt the deep need to control something...yet everything about India and being here means giving up that control.

And for us controlling types, this will just not do.

I am now forced to place one foot in front of the other even when all I want to do is whine in the corner that things are too difficult. Of course this is difficult, Elana, this is full-time missions...

Anyway, on to things more important than (though not as substantial as) my pride and my constant struggle for humility in this foreign environment...

For a more positive reporting, I have literally been healed. Over the past few years I have developed a serious sensitivity to certain types of dairy, mainly milk and ice cream. When it finally resulted in violent vomiting every time I drank milk or had ice cream, I was forced to give them up. It has been nearly 2 years since I have had any milk or ice cream at all...until a couple of days ago. I decided to pray to ask the Lord to heal me of whatever it is that makes me sick with dairy...and I wholly believed He would do it. Since I can't get soy milk here in India like I could in the States, I figured it would just be easier to be able to drink cow's milk...it's in everything here, including the tea which is given to us all the time as a gift of hospitality. So, I decided to have some tea with milk in it earlier this week...and presto, I felt fine. I then moved on to a little milk in my cereal and abracadabra, no problemo. To REALLY test the validity of the God-healing theory, I had an ice cream cone with Cory...and, success!! The existence of ice cream and my ability to eat it = there really is a God.

Please note photographic evidence.

Now, down to brass tacks. India is a difficult place with many cultural obstacles for little ol' Western-minded me to overcome. I admit, the last week has been scarred with many moments of weakness in which I considered throwing in the towel and running away back to the States. BUT, I know that I am in the middle of God's will for my life, I have a peace about this being the right thing for me. And come on, what growth and good ever came out of something easy? Growth takes perseverance which comes from the testing of one's faith (James chapter 1)...which, let's face it, just plain hurts sometimes.

So, for all those who have been asking how they can specifically pray for me, today I need prayer to experience the joy of the Lord in the trials I'm facing. We serve a faithful God, whom I know will never leave me or forsake me and I need to cling to that promise in this moment.

Thanks to all of you who are loving and supporting me...your encouragement and prayers go a very long way.

Infinite x's and o's from India...