A Wave of the Sea.

The older I get the more I realize just how volatile and fickle the heart really is.  When I say "heart" I am referring to the part of us that allows us to feel, the part that often takes over and pushes the head/logical/thinking part out of the way. One of the most blaring ways in which I find myself adjusting to life as it is now, is in my sensitivity or barometer to the measure of depth around me. I feel I need to explain that better:  what I mean to say is that each day is filled with moments that are varying in depth; some moments are touching, sweet, difficult, contemplative, meaningful, and deep, and other moments are superficial, fun, filled with laughter and, ultimately, not as deep.  Though I enjoy the latter, I find that I am measuring the depth of each of my moments and feeling that I don't relate as easily to the moments that are supposed to be "fun" and easy to take in. Part of me feels exposed and even guilty in those moments, like I shouldn't be feeling them and I should instead be feeling something more imposing, something more substantial.

I fear I'm not making sense but I have to try and express what I mean. In layman's terms, I'm having a tough time easily having fun right now. There are certain triggers surrounding India and my experiences there that come up from time to time and leave me feeling paralyzed within them. The mere thought of India is filled with such emotion, happy and sad...and everything in between...that often I feel like I can't even think about it at all if I have any hope of reaching the place where I can let loose and have fun.

I have felt really blessed this last week as I have spent a lot of time with people I haven't seen in a while and that really makes me happy...and I have actually had a good deal of fun. But somewhere deep inside, I feel the emptiness that India has left in me...an emptiness that is not filled by anything else right now. I know that's part of this process, letting myself come to terms with the emptiness in hopes of seeing it in a positive light eventually. For the time being, I sort of just feel this nondescript void that I'm not sure how to deal with. It's like the elephant in the room...I can't get around it and I can't get rid of it...but I don't know how to face it head on because it's bigger than me and heavier than anything I could ever lift on my own.

Slowly I progress through this mess that is me, realizing that there is plenty of goodness to revel in along the way...as long as I'm looking for it.

Joy In the Journey.

I've been back in the States for 3 weeks now, though it feels like a lot longer than that. The first week I was home felt nearly impossible...in many ways. I was hit hard with my need for time for adjustment, patience, grace...things I wasn't easily granting myself. Week two was a bit easier. I found myself settling into just being and not always doing, something that was instantly a challenge for me upon my return. My feeling is that more than anything else I want to know I'm being used and have a specific purpose I'm working toward in life, something I knew was happening in India, but I wasn't so sure was happening here at home.

I have since come to feel extremely blessed and joyful in my life. I may not have everything figured out but I am surrounded by incredible people that love me for who I am. I have only been back in Orange County for five days and I have spent every day with different people that care about me. Even though I don't have a job just yet, I see that as a blessing. I have an abundance of free time and am filling it with things that are good for my soul, things I really need to do as I'm jumping back into real life.

Nothing really profound or super snazzy will come out of this blog post, but I want to write down how I feel each step of the way as I'm learning to process the past 6 months of insanity that was my life. I am beyond grateful for friends and family and more than ever really feel that they are what makes life sweet. Not every day is a complete walk in the park, as I still feel myself recoil a little in large groups and tend to keep certain things to myself as I'm processing, but I'm ok with that. I am learning to sort out a heaping pile of experiences, emotions, and lessons and I know it will take a lot of time so I'm unwilling to rush myself. In the meantime I am finding joy each and every day in the little things that make up my life...like sunshine, sushi, library books, running in a beautiful area, and sharing laughs with people I really appreciate. Regardless of all the tough stuff I am facing internally, I am pleased that I've finally found the joy in my journey.

To Love.

I know of only one duty, and that is to love.

-Albert Camus

It's incredible, the healing power of love...sometimes more for the lover than the loved.  When we choose to deeply, intentionally, and wholly love someone else, the effects are truly life-giving.

That is all.

A Post About Home.

I am home from India.  Actually, I have been home for nearly 9 days and this seemed to be the soonest I was ready to post something real about just that, being home.

Spending 6 months in a foreign country as a volunteer/missionary was hard.  Hard probably is the understatement of the year and doesn't really begin to cover the depth of the experience.  Though I say "hard" I don't mean to leave a negative connotation hanging in the air to be misinterpreted.  It was also very good.

And, now I'm home.  Though depending on the timing of my life I have used many different factors to determine what "home" actually is, at this point it is where my family is.  I don't feel I have any other home at the moment, I suppose that is the nature of residing within a season of transition.  It's good to be home...and it's also vulnerable.  Home isn't only where your heart is, it's also where your heart is laid bare and suddenly you are the truest form of yourself.  And that can be scary.

When I was in India, I had many moments in which I wanted nothing more than to be home...meaning back in the States, near my family, and surrounded by all the things I deemed as comfortable.  Now I am here and feel more than a little disillusioned by it all.  I am working hard to give myself extra grace during my time of reverse culture shock but I can't help but feel at moments that I wish I were back.  This is probably a textbook case of the Grass is Always Greener mentality, as I was relieved and ready to leave India when I did.  It's just that I wish I had done more, been more, seen more, stretched myself even further.  I'm not one to sit long in the cesspool of regret so I won't allow myself to live behind today.  I will however, continue to live becoming better equipped by what I have gone through.

It's bizarre how much I am willing to stay inside my head and process what's just taken place in my life...considering I have had a difficult time doing the simplest of tasks lately like choosing clothes to wear or grocery shopping.  Having to make any decision at all feels a little unnatural and overwhelming.  I have only to give myself time to readjust and relearn what I already know so well...it's just getting my heart and emotions to follow suit that is the challenge.

In less words, I am happy to be home.  Every day is presenting me with something new to test my patience and my resistance.  I am glad to have a close source of hope and a loving family by my side.  Thank you to all who supported me during my time away.  This life is nothing without people to share your trials and happiness with.

Today?

Today, I am thankful.

Today, I am scared.

Today, my insides ache.

Today, I am appreciating old friends while yearning to strengthen relationships with new ones.

Today, I am missing India, even though I didn't think I would.

Today, I am grappling with making an old life new and placing a new life behind me...yet I can't make sense of anything, old or new.

Today, I am overwhelmed at the familiar and underwhelmed at the expected.

Today, I seem to know what I want yet can't figure out how to get there.

Today, I feel a little lost, a little tired, a little disoriented, a little hopeful.