24.

Current soundtrack: Bon Iver - Skinny Love. On repeat.

Preface: the following is going to be a bit of a woe-is-me cathartic release. Read at your own risk and don't say I didn't warn you.



It is the eve of my 24th birthday, the eve of my 25th year of life.



And I am suddenly struck with a harsh pang of loneliness.



I'm not sure where it came from but boy did it come out of nowhere and hit me like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden, tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn't help but cry. And I can't even tell you why I feel this way completely, but I think it is safe to say it's a number of things rolled up into one overwhelming pain.

I tried to call some of my close friends...no one was available to talk...and so I lamely turn to my blog for lack of a better outlet at the moment. I don't care if I sound pathetic. We all have our moments.

There is a part of me that is scared of growing older and not moving forward at the same time...like my outward body is moving on but so much of my being isn't. I know I am moving forward in life but I sometimes catch myself attempting to measure the successes of me as a person by certain measuring tapes, certain milestones that I perceive I should be attaining...and I'm not. I have always had a certain way about me that lends itself to fighting to be content, and, truth be told, this is honestly the most content I have ever felt in my life...yet there is still a bit of a nagging darkness that creeps in to jab me in the side of my sunny days and attempt to drag me down into an endless abyss of self-pity. It's gross. I hate it.

As much as I love to make my way through life experiencing everything by deeply feeling it, sometimes I come to hate my melancholic nature...especially when it sneaks up to taunt me on occasions that should be otherwise full of great joy and celebration.

I know some of this has a bit to do with a recent situation in my life that brought me to a great spiritual, emotional, and mental high...and the subsequent losing of that thing that left me suddenly and with an air of finite resolution. I might have seen it coming but I sure wasn't prepared for it when it arrived. Sorry to speak in abstract terms, I think better of revealing certain fragile and beautiful pieces of my life that are kept safe, locked away in my heart. I think you get my drift. Plus, if I talk about it too much, it seems to work overtime to bring me further from where I want to be. I have worked extremely diligently to not let this thing lord over my life; I have fought to maintain control over it so I can live normally and with progression.

So, I guess here's to another year of life, one that I know won't disappoint...even if it brings up certain growing pains here and there.

After all, such is life.



Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different "kind"
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love what happened here
Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full; so slow on the split

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
Now all your love is wasted?
Then who the hell was I?
Now I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?