Bixby Canyon Bridge

Current soundtrack: Jimmy Eat World

Are we forever destined to do exactly what we don't want to do?

It's an interesting theory of the universe...perhaps, like a magnetic force, we are drawn to make the decisions we had initially set out not to make. BUT, does that make those decisions the wrong ones? Suppose that depends. What exactly is wrong and right when it comes to a life? Clearly we aren't talking morals, ethics, laws, or rules...but more of the abstract of right and wrong. People often say, "I think I made the wrong decision" after pursuing a failed endeavor. What if we looked at that in a different way and considered that perhaps right and wrong are much more of a loose concept that have more to do with outcome than anything else...if something is only wrong if it doesn't work out then I think I disagree that the ability to make wrong decisions even exists. If we don't give ourselves the freedom to stumble upon unforeseen outcomes, then we will never experience life...we would even cease to exist at all. Life is a series of decisions and actions strung together and it is often the case that we receive at least an unexpected outcome if not an undesired one. Maybe there are no such things as right and wrong decisions, just decisions themselves.

Here is where I start to wonder about the ever-debated issue of God's will. I know I believe in God, this isn't a conversation about his existence or ultimate divinity, but more of a discussion about his direct involvement in our lives. Free will implies that we can decide to do what we want, that we are free to choose life, death, right, wrong, he, she, yes, no...whatever we want. But, if God's will exists in the way many Christians feel it does, then it seems we have to seek out God's will for ourselves in order to continually make the "right" decisions and the question of right vs. wrong has more to do with God approving or disapproving. Now here is where I think I may disagree...many times one is free to make a decision in one of many directions that aren't morally or inherently wrong...so how is it that we determine what is "right" or approved?

Does God really look at our lives and have it exactly mapped out decision to decision about what we should and should not do? I honestly don't think so. Sometimes it takes trial and error to realize who we are and what we want. When faced with a decision about something, I guess I tend to go for it and see what happens rather than not go for it based on the fear that it won't work out or that it will be the "wrong" decision. Sure there's pain, suffering, and heartache along the way but I feel life is often worth it. In the meantime, rather than hemming and hawing over what the right or wrong decision is, perhaps I need to live more and think less. I already spend too much of my life inside my head and potentially missing out on experiences.

Maybe it's time to dive in.

But when all is said and done, I am still human and still have fear...and sometimes I just want someone else to tell me what I should do...because I guess after all my theorizing, I still seek to find what's "right."

guh.