I have a whole lot of schmutz in my head and I am going to attempt to painfully squeeze it out and hope that it somehow resembles a coherent thought once it emerges.
Here I am at the end of yet another week, praising all that is holy that it's finally Friday. And it hits me. Is this what the working world lives for? Wonderful Friday evenings that bring the promise of two whole days of complete freedom? You know, freedom to do all the things you have been waiting with bated breath all week to do...the laundry for instance...or cleaning, exercising, bill paying, grocery shopping, cooking...just to name a few. Do you know how depressing it is to live only for the weekend? Please, count me out.
When does life get interesting? Not that I live a boring existence but it definitely isn't the riveting every day adventure I crave. I just can't help but ask myself, is this as good as it gets? I'm pretty sure the answer to that is no...at least I hope it is. Now don't get me wrong, it's not that I am the least bit unhappy in life, quite the contrary. I am loving many of the little details in my day to day, I just can't seem to shake the feeling that I am on the verge of something bigger.
Sometimes it catches me off guard, that feeling of bigger-ness being right around the corner, and makes me feel a little self conscious that I have forgotten to watch for it in anticipation and instead have taken to sitting around without ambition and blogging all day about how I want more for myself. I just look at my job and my seemingly endless debt and think, "there is no end in sight." Is that what my life will be about? Working all the time to try and break even or possibly get ahead only to die and realize it was totally worth nothing? What matters to me is love and relationships and becoming an addition to something so much larger than myself. When am I allowed to say, "enough is enough!" and begin to take those ridiculous huge and scary steps into the unknown?
What do I want? I want love to share with another person. I want love to give to those who need it. I want to reach out and offer parts of myself, my gifts, and my resources to those who have less. I want to live. Live differently than I am living now. I want to learn to better myself without taking from those around me more than I give. I want to learn how to serve the God of the universe without becoming a slave to religion and a prisoner of my own mind and heart. I want to travel. I want to fall in love. I want to stay in love. I want to see the beauty in someone that no one else sees.
I am ready to be surprised.
Do other people sit around and ponder these things? Do I live in a world filled with people who accept their status quo without ever challenging the universe for more? Am I alone in my depth of thought and feeling about my place within the human race and how I can impact my world in every way possible?
Sometimes I feel loneliest in a crowded room.